Don't know what to do

con_fused

Hi all,

I‘m sorry this doesn’t have anything to do with money but I needed some advice as I feel that I’m going round in circles. I am a fairly regular poster on here but have signed in under another name as I know that my DH knows my profile name for this site. I apologise in advance for the length of the post.

DH and I have been married for only 10 months and it’s been a struggle. A friend of mine said that the first year is a tough one but I’m not sure it should be this hard.

The “intimate” side of our relationship has suffered and one major reason is because of stuff that happened to me as a child. It got particularly bad a few months ago where I didn’t feel comfortable with intimacy at all, at which point I got in touch with a counsellor and have since been having counselling. I told DH about this and although he said he was hurt that I didn’t feel comfortable with intimacy, he said it was a good idea for me to go for counselling.

It’s been hard dealing with stuff that I have blocked for many years and it’s tough on DH as he wants to be intimate but I need time to sort through issues. Recently I have tried being intimate with him and afterwards he has moaned that I don’t seem to be “there”. He has said this a few times which knocks me a bit, as I am trying but it doesn’t seem good enough to him so I end up feeling “why should I bother?”

I’m also beginning to wonder whether the reason the intimacy has stopped is purely because of my past. We don’t do a great deal together as a couple. We go out together regularly with our group of friends, which is nice, but we rarely go out alone. We tend to sit in and watch TV or he will go in the bedroom and surf the internet. Money is an issue so I guess it would be nice if we did things indoors but I feel pressured to be intimate with him – I know it’s what he wants but (and I know sex is an important part of a relationship) I want our marriage to be more than just physical, but it seems to be something he places great emphasis on. He has said it’s not that he wants “sex”, it’s that he wants to “make love”, but I still have a bit of a “block” to this and feel uncomfortable sometimes.

My counsellor has said he should be giving me time and support otherwise it will be like I am going through the past all over again, doing things I don’t want to do. It does feel like that sometimes, but that’s not DH’s fault.

I do also worry that he will go elsewhere, which I wouldn’t blame him for, but I know it would be wrong on his part.

I’m really not sure what to do. I want to sort myself out, which is going to take time with counselling. But the fact that me and DH aren’t getting on isn’t helping, and him emphasizing the physical side so much makes me feel under pressure, although I appreciate he’s only human.

Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks J

AussieLass

How was your relationship before you got married? Did you have intimacy problems then?

RAS

lost the whole post.

con_fused

AussieLass wrote: »

How was your relationship before you got married? Did you have intimacy problems then?

When we first go together we had a great sex life, we were intimate a lot although I am taking that partly to be the "lust" period.

We still had a fairly good sex life before we got married but I think my feelings with regard to my past had already begun to creep in at that point.

We did have counselling before getting married because we had a rocky patch before then (but not to do with intimacy) and the counsellor suggested we make time to do things together. I guess it's just not happened and here are the results

SugarSpun

Why not concentrate on the intimacy and the love parts and take out the sexual elements? Curling up together naked under a blanket and watching a movie might help you get more comfortable with the idea again, or massage each other with a rule that there's no sexy-parts touching allowed.

Make it fun without the pressure of the sex bit and see where it leads you.

con_fused

That's a good idea Sugarspun, it does relate to what my counsellor said about needing almost to "learn" to be intimate again.

I have to be honest though that I am quite anxious talking to my DH about these things as sometimes he reacts negatively and flies off the handle a bit. He says he is compromising for me but I'm not doing much for him.

To be fair we are both pretty poor and talking and opening up to one another.

I do think I need to have another talk with him and will suggest this and see what he says.

AussieLass

I don't know what to suggest. I know that there is no way I could suggest to DH to lay naked with me, massage me etc and not go any further. Are you struggling with you being intimate to him or vice versa? But one thing you really do need to do is talk more hard though it is at times. :rolleyes:

Taye

*big hugs*

I have no real advice im afraid, but i know how you feel i have the same demon's when it comes to intimacy which im struggling to deal with, i just wanted to let you know your not alone, it's a horrible thing to have to deal with.

I know i want to be everything my partner wants, i can even sit there out of the situation and realise i want them too.. unfortunatly somewhere bettween wanting to be intimate and actually being intimate things unravel and usually end up with me in tears and locked in the bathroom.

Sugerspun came up with a fab idea, maybe try and get the closeness without the focus on the "sex" talk to your partner and try and take one step at a time.. build it up, take time to get comfortable with steps 1 and 2 before jumping into step 3 as it where ... dunno if it will help im still struggling with step 1... but i am working on it.

con_fused

Thanks for your replies

AussieLass I agree we need to talk more. I do worry because if I am seen to put more "restrictions" on him, he will get fed up. I think he sees it as me putting rules into place but there's no room for what he wants. At the moment I am trying to take things at my pace and I do worry that he is getting fed up of waiting

Thanks Taye for your reply. It's nice to know I'm not alone with this. I totally relate to what you saying about when you're out of the situation you want the same things as your partner, but when it comes to it things just freeze up.

I do appreciate my DH's frustration but I do need to take things slow. So maybe if we start "at the beginning" and build it up that will be better than nothing. I guess I am worried in case that's not good enough for him, but then I can't force myself to go along with what his ideals are.

Taye

Well not exactly the same thing, but my new partner say's he'd rather go at my pace and have "it" be right for both of us, than for me to rush it and do it because i think it's what he wants but not really be there.

I do think you should talk to him though... really sit down and explain why you feel this way.

money_maker_3

Can your OH go to one of your counselling sessions with you? It might help if he was to hear some of theses suggestions from a professional