help with alcoholic dad!! Making himself Ill!!

Pee

I had a similiar experience with my ex. I eventually realised that whatever I did, i.e. stopping drinking and making sure there was no drink in the house, taking him to the doctors, watching him like a hawk, I couldn't actually stop him drinking. Whether he chose to drink or not was up to him, and he was not strong enough to be able to make that choice. In the end I decided since he didn't love me enough to stop drinking, I didn't love him enough to put my life on hold any longer. I was beginning to resent the way that my life was changing and what I saw my future becoming.

He went to live with his mum, who didn't drink, and she was very good with him, but just as naive and loving as I had been. His older sister intervened, with a lot of common sense but without much love, and she had some success but in the end he effectively drank himself to death, worried about his health and the post mortem showed hardly any serious health problems, despite the abuse.

I was very sad when he died and I wish that he hadn't died.

He was so completely unhappy about the way his life had turned out, about the fact he did not become a rich and famous musician, about a previous girlfriend and that he didn't have a real chance to become a father. In hind sight, I can see that he loved me and the alchohol problem was just too much for him to deal with.

It was too much for me to deal with, too.

If I went back, I would still have to walk away from him, even knowing what I know now. I thought then that someone else would be able to help and I know now that they could not have. He didn't need someone else to help. Yes, he needed people to be there for him, but he needed to make that choice himself, and he couldn't.

AA seems to have a lot of success and if you can encourage him that way, then do.

In the meantime, you can only do what you can do...

Lyger

Just posting to show some support.

My dad had drink problems when I was growing up also. He became a Jekyll and Hyde character - never violent, but always nasty when in the drink. I know it's hard to deal with.

Sadly, there is nothing you can do for him until he admits the problem to himself. He has to have a lightbulb moment of some sort. Myself and my sister tried many things with our Dad - writing heartfelt letters, tipping away his bacardi (he took to hiding his bacardi because of this. We always found it though), etc. Nothing worked. It wasn't until the night I needed a lift back from hospital after being glassed in a nightclub and he couldn't come and collect me that he realised he had a problem, and sorted himself out.

I think when it gets to a certain stage of attempted interventions, you need to save yourself the pain - and walk away, hoping that the alcoholic has a lightbulb moment and asks for help.

Hang in there!

rosered1963

brilliant posts from Lyger and Pee. If OP's dad needs a lightbulb moment and an alternative way to AA (AA is not for everyone) he could try AVRT - just google it - and the website is free

sazzie_sue

Hi All,

Hope you are well and again thanks for your support, Well my dad has his appointment at 1pm today went with him, Doctor was discussing why he drinks and what kind of help he can get, My dad was not interested in the slightest. He has said two words to the doctor and she just gave him leaflets which he will do nothing with he only went for my sake really and he does not want to change, I can see that now he has no motivation.

Now saving up for a deposit for my own place, going to stay with my mum all weekend rather than her come here so I can get some space so really looking forward to that, I have given up on him he has no desire or willingness to change so I am going to live my life might take few months for me to save but that's it once I together I'm out (god I'm cross with him). One good thing about going to doctors, she is going to arrange me a few session with a councillor she said maby 3-4 1hr session so I can talk and get things off my chest and help rebuild my confidence.

For my dad I will always be there for him but I'm at my Witt's end, I have tried to help so much but only he can do it now so I going to take a step back and stop nagging and sort me out, will keep u posted once again thank you so much for your help and kindness.

SS!

UKTigerlily

sazzie_sue wrote: »

Hi All,

Hope you are well and again thanks for your support, Well my dad has his appointment at 1pm today went with him, Doctor was discussing why he drinks and what kind of help he can get, My dad was not interested in the slightest. He has said two words to the doctor and she just gave him leaflets which he will do nothing with he only went for my sake really and he does not want to change, I can see that now he has no motivation.

Now saving up for a deposit for my own place, going to stay with my mum all weekend rather than her come here so I can get some space so really looking forward to that, I have given up on him he has no desire or willingness to change so I am going to live my life might take few months for me to save but that's it once I together I'm out (god I'm cross with him). One good thing about going to doctors, she is going to arrange me a few session with a councillor she said maby 3-4 1hr session so I can talk and get things off my chest and help rebuild my confidence.

For my dad I will always be there for him but I'm at my Witt's end, I have tried to help so much but only he can do it now so I going to take a step back and stop nagging and sort me out, will keep u posted once again thank you so much for your help and kindness.

SS!

Well done to you for going & trying everything you can for your Dad & for getting help for yourself too. I hope you enjoy the time at your Mum's & it helps to be distanced from the situation & I think you're doing the right thing x

Savvy_Sue

sazzie, sounds as if YOU have had your Light Bulb Moment even if your dad hasn't. I'm glad the doctor recognised YOUR needs and offered help, I wish you all the best.

Pee

Well done you!

You never know - and you aren't responsible for your Dad - but this change in your behaviour might help him see a need for change in his.

Wishing you all the best.

rosered1963

Sazzy - Good luck to you.

Lyger

Good luck to you, Sazzy - I hope your father sees your lightbulb moment, and realises a few harsh realities about himself as a result!

Sparky09

Also just wanted to say well done Sazzie_Sue, just read thread and pleased that in a way it has a happy ending because you're doing the right, sensible thing. Your dad must know deep down the path he is on, and if he has accepted that, then you must too, and don't feel guilty about any events in the future. He's a grown man, and he decided to take the easy option because he doesn't have your strength...good luck and enjoy life!!