help with alcoholic dad!! Making himself Ill!!

sazzie_sue

Hi all,

Sorry to be depressing, I could really used some advice from you wonderful people about my father.

He is an alcoholic and had drunk since before I can remember, Before he and my mum divorced she tired to help him as much as she could but he did not want to know. She made him an appointment with the doctors and the AA but he would not go. He has always treated us well as a family we never went with out, we always had what we needed and he was never violent, deep down he is a very caring man its just as kids we never had a life as my dad was always in the pub.

In 2005 my mum left my dad and filed for divorce as she had had enough, which I don't blame her as she was unhappy, my dad then moved in with his mum is also a bad drinker which didn't help and he drowned his sorrows even further into a bottle. He also got fired from a very well paid job last year due to his drink he was caught drinking and hiding alcohol at work.

I know his drink goes on and that we have tried all we can to help him but I am now very scared for him,twice this year he has passed out had fits and ended up in hospital, he also complained of stomach aches and the doctors advised this was his liver and due to drinking. I am so scared now that we will loose him as it is affecting his health. How can I make him listen to me or get help,he just brushes it all under the carpet and I'm scared if he keeps going the way he does we could loose him long before his time. I have even thought of resorting to Jeremy Kyle LOL!!!

Thanks for listening.

SS!

1sue23

I am very sorry about your situation ,I am married to a recovering alcoholic so I know how difficult it is ,I am sorry but no matter how much you talk to him ,shout at him, it will make no difference at all ,he has to want to give up himself and until that time is reached there is not a lot you can do .
Your mum did the right thing and I came very close myself to leaving my husband and I am afraid to say sometimes they have to reach rock bottom before anything will change .You have to look after yourself and accept that he is a grown man and he chooses to drink no one makes him ,my husband used every excuse in the book to drink be it work ,family ,money any reason at all and there was little I could do about it, in the end I took drastic steps and walked away I had him arrested and removed from the house and went to a solicitor it was only then that he realized I meant what I said I ignored him and got on with my own life .
Luckily he then went to the AA and has not had a drink in 4 years and we are now happily married and for the first time in years I have a normal family life .I am not complacent and I know it is still one day at a time and just one drink could send him back to how he was but the key has been him accepting that he has a problem with drink and that he is an alcoholic until then I am sorry to say there is very little you can do.

UKTigerlily

I can't be of much help but have you yourself had help? There's an organisation called Al-Anon for family/relatives & friends of alcoholics that may be of some support & able to advise x

miemie

Hi Sazzie sue, just wanted to send you a hug as your life sounds exactly the same as what mine used to be, i'm afraid that until your dad excepts he has a problem and wants help then nobody can help him, you need to get some help for you though as i now its hard to deal with and understand how someone can do this to themselves and their family.
My parents divorced due to my dads drinking and she had tried for years to get help for him but would not except he had a problem, myself and my brother and sister tried even taking him to the doctors but nothing could be done to help him because he did'nt want it. My dad died of liver failure just before christmas he was only 51, I am heartbroken and everyday wish he was here just so i could ask him why and tell him did he relise how many people loved him, when sober he was the most caring, giving man you could imagine, but drink turned him paranoid and aggressive.

If you need to talk please PM me, But please contact Al anon and get some support as it is a very hard thing to deals with.

Drink is usually an escape from something and they use it to hide behind, if you can encourage your dad to talk to someone and maybe get to the root of the problem this might help.

Sorry i hav'nt been much help but just wanted you to know your not alone.

miemie

rosered1963

HI there.

Just wanted to "bump" this for you.

I am so sorry for what you are going through - I went through it with with my brother (who is now dead - died at 38) and it was absolutely devastating. What can I say? Try alanon for yourself (didn't suit me but suits a lot of people), and my controversial advice would be not to give up on your dad. He is still there deep underneath the terrible disease that is alcoholism. I agree that encouraging him to talk to someone - an alcohol counsellor for eg. would be good - maybe the harm reduction route if he can't stop? Inpatatient rehab? In very short supply though. Anything is worth a try. But in the end, as people said, it's really down to him. Just wanted to say I really feel for you. X

Girlzmum

1sue23 wrote: »

I am very sorry about your situation ,I am married to a recovering alcoholic so I know how difficult it is ,I am sorry but no matter how much you talk to him ,shout at him, it will make no difference at all ,he has to want to give up himself and until that time is reached there is not a lot you can do .

Very true!

My dad is an alcoholic, unfortunately so is the majority of his family (his mother, brother and 2 sisters all have alcohol addictions and we lost his youngest brother last June to alcohol complications) My mum left him just before I turned 19 but by that stage I had been deeply affected - him telling me he should have had me aborted when he had the chance was the highlight.
UKTigerlily was right, get some support for yourself because it is damn hard to cope with an alcoholic parent and it affects you in more ways than you realise. Good luck xo

sazzie_sue

Hi All,

First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for all you kind words and support, To Rosered I am really sorry for the loss of brother can't imagine what it must be like to go through that. Its nice to know I am not alone so thanks again.

I know this is very wrong but I have a lot of resentment towards my dad, I have given up so much for my dad, when he first split from my mum, he moved in with his mum for 12 months to give my mum some space, his mum also drinks which made him worse. My mum then moved out of the family home as it had to many bad memories and she wanted to be closer to her family, My dad moved back home I stayed in the family home with him so he would not have to sell the house, I help him with money for bills and pay most since he lost his job lucky I earn a good wage, I cook, clean do the washing ect... I feel like a permanent babysitter. Don't get me wrong I do have some life I go out with my friends and see my OH on a weekend but feel like my dad takes up most of my life and I constantly have to worry about him, I'm only 23 I should be out seeing the world not playing babysitter. Throughout the week it gets so lonely with just me and him, I do think you are right though I need help for me as well so going to have a nosey around I need to deal with all this built up anger inside.

I also worry if I do wanna settle down with my OH and get our own place where would this leave my dad, I have spoke to my mum about this but only so much I can say as it is a sore subject with her so maby good to speak to someone outside the family. I just feel sometime my dad is so selfish I have given up so much and he just sarry's on drinking, I even gave up the chance to go away and study at uni cause I was worried about leaving him. I can't help thinking if I had just gone with my mum form day one when she left would I be much happier fully my choice at the time though, as I was 18 old enough to make my own choices my mum did beg me to go with her.

I have wrote him letter today explain all this and how it upsetting me and how I am worried for his health, we never really talk in great details he just brushes it off or say he will cut down the drink but things still stay the same but I have poured my heart out in my letter and left it in the table before I went out so let see if he listens, if he doesn't take note of this I don't know what else I can do, It maby time to give up and get my own place or go to my mums. I will let you know how it goes.

Thanks again.

SS!

rosered1963

sazzie_sue wrote: »

Hi All,

First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for all you kind words and support, To Rosered I am really sorry for the loss of brother can't imagine what it must be like to go through that. Its nice to know I am not alone so thanks again.

I know this is very wrong but I have a lot of resentment towards my dad, I have given up so much for my dad, when he first split from my mum, he moved in with his mum for 12 months to give my mum some space, his mum also drinks which made him worse. My mum then moved out of the family home as it had to many bad memories and she wanted to be closer to her family, My dad moved back home I stayed in the family home with him so he would not have to sell the house, I help him with money for bills and pay most since he lost his job lucky I earn a good wage, I cook, clean do the washing ect... I feel like a permanent babysitter. Don't get me wrong I do have some life I go out with my friends and see my OH on a weekend but feel like my dad takes up most of my life and I constantly have to worry about him, I'm only 23 I should be out seeing the world not playing babysitter. Throughout the week it gets so lonely with just me and him, I do think you are right though I need help for me as well so going to have a nosey around I need to deal with all this built up anger inside.

I also worry if I do wanna settle down with my OH and get our own place where would this leave my dad, I have spoke to my mum about this but only so much I can say as it is a sore subject with her so maby good to speak to someone outside the family. I just feel sometime my dad is so selfish I have given up so much and he just sarry's on drinking, I even gave up the chance to go away and study at uni cause I was worried about leaving him. I can't help thinking if I had just gone with my mum form day one when she left would I be much happier fully my choice at the time though, as I was 18 old enough to make my own choices my mum did beg me to go with her.

I have wrote him letter today explain all this and how it upsetting me and how I am worried for his health, we never really talk in great details he just brushes it off or say he will cut down the drink but things still stay the same but I have poured my heart out in my letter and left it in the table before I went out so let see if he listens, if he doesn't take note of this I don't know what else I can do, It maby time to give up and get my own place or go to my mums. I will let you know how it goes.

Thanks again.

SS!

Hi Sazzie :hello:

Gosh - everything you said in your post is so familiar to me. You are so young to be going through this - it must be so hard. You nee practical professional help and fast, in my opinion. Can I be cheeky and ask how old you dad is? Late forties? The reason I ask is that in general, just in my experience, the younger he is, the best chance he has of receiving services. I don't know how up to date on the NHS services you are - I would suggest you look into it all - in my case we had to beg for help and still got none as my brother was a high functioning alcoholic - professional, good looking, funny and charming. Nobody realised how bad he was but me - even our parents didn't really belive me till he had a massive attack of the DTS one afternoon. When he went to court for a drink related random offence, the judge thought he was the defence barrister!! (we had to laugh at that!)

If you keep posting here to keep this thread bumped up, no doubt some alcohol professionals will give you some up to date advice. My knowledge was tip top but I'm a bit rusty now. Have you had a look at www.alcoholconcern.org.uk There are residential treatment centres out there like the Priory and Clouds House who take NHS patients. maybe one last ditch attempt to get him to see what he is doing to himself and you is worth doing. Apoligies if you have done this stuff already. Go and see your GP to talk and if they aren't a sympathetic doctor, find one who is.

There is hope for your Dad but he needs help and so do you.

The effects of having an alcoholic parent on a adult child are well documented. You must take care of your own health.

Thanks for saying that about my brother. he was the light of my life from the day he was born and four years down the line, I am heartbroken without him being in the world. One thing though - I have no regrets - I loved him unconditionally and moved heaven and earth to get help for him, which he desperately wanted and needed towards the end, but it was just too late for him. Lots of love and I will subscribe xxx

UKTigerlily

I think the letter is a good idea & hope it has some use. Your GP can maybe recommend an alcohol counsellor or somewhere for support from other Carers/Relatives etc of alcoholics.

I think you need to put yourself first which will be hard as you seem to be the type to put others first, if you get ill/stress etc then you'd be no use to him or to you & at 23 you have your life ahead of you & need to live it

Could social services help? I hate to say it but paying his bills & doing his housework etc gives him even less reason to stop & he will have to really want to to be able to, could you hire him a cleaner from his income (Benefits/wages?)

Right now you're the parent & he's the child & he needs to try to help himself too, sorry i'm sure you know all of this & you sound wonderfully supportive, but as you say, you & your OH will want your own lifes & maybe kids etc someday, you can't have your Dad full time also.

Are there any day centres or activities he may enjoy? If he's sat at home, not working or having hobbies or even his housework he has little to do but drink. If he's doing things it may take his mind off of it for a short while.

I wish you all the best x

1sue23

Now is the time to think of yourself, you are important and you need to lead your own life ,do not allow alcohol to take away your choices, trust me when I say your needs must come first I spent many years hoping my husband would change ,it was always going to be the last time he would drink until the next time ,my children lived an awful life because of the drinking and I will regret this for ever ,I should have walked away long before I did .
Leave the letter for him but then walk go anywhere you can away from him live with your mum or another relative, there is nothing at all you can do to change him ,he will cry ,he will beg and will promise change ,he needs you there ,while helping him and protecting him he does not have to help himself ,alcoholics are full of self pity it is what they are good at ,they are manipulative and very selfish and will use every trick in the book ,it will make no difference if you live there or move out he will still drink, do not let him drag you down with him you are a young woman ,you have your whole future ahead of you and you deserve better than this you must come first ,it is up to you to change ,once you have changed and accepted that you can do nothing about his drinking, you never know he may himself accept that he has a problem and may do something about it .
I wish you all the luck in the world having been through it myself but for your own well being you need to turn your back on him and make a lovely life for yourself.

miemie

Hi Sazzie

Just wanted to say that i also felt very resentful towards my dad and i think this is a normal way to feel, i was also angry and in the end had to get on with my own life and distance myself, when i had my dd i really hoped that him being a grandad would in some way help he see there was more as he loved children and always talked about wanting to be a grandad one day, things did'nt change and my children were scared when they saw him, when this happened i knew i had to put myself and my children first, i did'nt want my children growing up the same way i had.
You do need to put your own life and happiness first, everything Issue23 has said is true.