Marrying a divorced man

whothrewthat_2

That's the only way you are going to confront your doubts. If he is truely the one for you he will understand and want to reassure you with the truth. If he is reluctant then this should really tell you something.

JWM

pocketrocket wrote: »

Hello

Yes the thing that is bothering me the most is the restraining order, but at the same time it does come across as she is making up things to keep him away well thats what he claims. His personality is one of someone who will bend over backwards to do anything for me he is the kindest man ive met, and I cannot imagine being apart.

I guess I should be blunt and ask him things im not clear about.

It worries me that you are a 'secret' if you were not the cause of the breakup. Why?

Remember there are 2 sides to every story and its not his kids fault. Great advice but doesn't help you much!

Best of luck to you.

Paparika

I'm an ex wife, and i divorced him, (thank god)

Although i hated his existence on this earth, apart from when he tried to batter me in front of our son when he returned him from this 6 hours day out, i have always maintained he had time with our child.

He made promises of holidays, and weekend stay overs etc..... they never happened, what made it worse i think was i met someone else, although he still donned the gold jewelery every weekend and hit the clubs to pickup girls (that failed)

Been divorced almost 10 years and i have had to bite my tongue so much about my thoughts and feelings of this man, BUT... time moves on and he is no longer part of my life, and hasn't since the day he left, we have contact only for our son.

This year has been good, he has been very helpful and had our son when i needed to go to hospital, he rang me a month or so ago sounded really worried (oh god its the father in law he's passed away i think).

He told me that i was the first to know, even our son didn't know, he'd got his new young girlfriend pregnant, (i could of whooped for joy- he's nice when he has a girlfriend and an evil so and so when he hasn't).

I congratulated him and wished him the best and said i would tell our son, and asked that he doesn't neglect his duty as a father to his first born, and i told our son, i was very diplomatic, explaining that a new baby might mean less time for him right at the beginning when the baby is born.


Just wanted to say not all ex wives are nasty, yes we have probably a lot of hate built up but it depends on the circumstances of the breakup, mine was i didn't want to be a human punchbag anymore.

It took me years to get over the divorce etc etc, but am happy he is with someone else and hope he is happy this time.

galvanizersbaby

pocketrocket wrote: »

Hello

Yes the thing that is bothering me the most is the restraining order, but at the same time it does come across as she is making up things to keep him away well thats what he claims. His personality is one of someone who will bend over backwards to do anything for me he is the kindest man ive met, and I cannot imagine being apart.

I guess I should be blunt and ask him things im not clear about.

I reckon that's your best way forward pocketrocket if you are serious about this man - wishing you the best of luck

Jonee

gizmo111 wrote: »

No - they will have a financial settlement which will be full and final. She could ask for more maintenance dependent on his income equally if circumstances change or you have children he could ask for a reduction.
Contact and holidays should be sorted out through the court and whilst it would be in the childrens best interests for them to communicate lots of divorced people simply don't and make it difficult for all to live peacefully and move on.
Why are you being kept a secret? If the marriage is over and he has left then whats the problem other than not rubbing her nose in it?

Actually...if the kids are still dependants, she is entitled to claim half for 'their behalf'....we got around this by taking out an insurance policy purely for his kids in the event of his death, that wat she can`t touch what you and him have together.....

galvanizersbaby

faye6174 wrote: »

I said 'these sort' not all ex wives, but for the grace of God and all that.....

Apologies faye6174 I wasn't meaning that you were referring to everyone in your post.

Personally I reckon sadly because of the competiveness and insecurities of many women (ex-wives or not) there will often be this sort of one up manship in a relationship where one or both partners have been married before.

SCAMPIDOODLE

I too had to be kept a secret, even though it was my partners ex who was unfaithful. She was allowed to divorce him so as not to bring shame on the kids. and I wasnt allowed near her kids for about 2 years. so weekends when he had the kids, we had to be apart - this was because if she knew I was around she would stop access visits. TBH my partner should have had a bit of backbone and stood up to her instead of allowing her to dictate how he ran his life. she was dommineering and her kids eventually saw through her, one came to live with us and tha other turned out gay. ( that was all my partners fault too apparently! )
Marry a guy - you marry his ex too i'm afraid!!

gizmo111

Jonee wrote: »

Actually...if the kids are still dependants, she is entitled to claim half for 'their behalf'....we got around this by taking out an insurance policy purely for his kids in the event of his death, that wat she can`t touch what you and him have together.....

I don't think the OP was talking about in death. And surely any reasonable parent would make sure their children were provided in the event of their death, through life insurance etc to cover what the ywould potentially miss financially up to leavign University age.

Emmzi

a restraining order is pretty serious and suggests he has behaved pretty badly at some point. Enough to make it worth going to court etc, so not just 'a bit annoying'.

I would want a lot more information about this, how he has addressed hisw volatility, and how he has worked on changing.

Strapped

Toots wrote: »

There is something not quite right here. There is no way that your partner will be arrested for harrassment unless he has been harassing his wife/ex wife. As another poster suggested harrassment charges would be based on evidence and not purely on someone's say-so. The police need to be assured that harrassment is actually occurring.There is no way the police would accept telephoning the house regarding arrangements or changes to arrangements about the children as about the children.


I can't give advise on what you should do but I know the sort of things I would be thinking.





What I would be thinking is:-

• Has my partner been guilty of harrassment and I just haven't been aware of it? (If so, prepare for trouble in the future).
• Is his ex saying making these threats idly just to cause trouble? If so, why? Why would she want to treat him badly? Has he had affairs or mistreated her?
• If my partner wants such an easy life that he wants to keep me a "secret" then is he the one for me? There are so many times in life when you need support from loved ones, if he wants an easy life are you going to be supported emotionally when needed?
• If my partner wants to take the easy way is he unprincipled or is he weak and, if so, is he the man to spend the rest of my life with?

I hope I haven't upset you with any of my thoughts as I really don't mean to but marriage is a big step that shouldn't be entered into lightly. You are obviously unsure about whether you would be doing the right thing otherwise you really wouldn't need to ask the question.

You'd be amazed what consitutes "harrassment" (remember the guy arrested for waving at his kids?) My own OH was summonded to the police station for daring to put a notice in the local paper wishing his daughter a happy birthday (knowing that any card sent would be destroyed by his ex).

ETA: Just re-read the OP's posts, and realised that he has a restraining order against him. That's a lot more worrying tbh. OP, you need to have a loooong talk if you want this relationship to advance - if you can't discuss everything with your partner, then what hope does your relationship have?