Marrying a divorced man

pocketrocket_2

Hi
I just wanted advise from anyone who has married a divorced man and the implications, here is the set up he has 2 daughters the ex has the house he pays towards the kids in fact he pays more than he should as he has a good job.

The thing I find hard is he will do things like this even though she is a horrid person towards him in that she wont let him phone the house (he pays for) even if its about the children, if he phones the house then he could be arrested for harrasment (?!!) I know ex wives have a lot of rights like staying in the house etc but it seems unfair when the man has to pay hundreds to a solicitor just to ask if he can take his daughters on holiday because she wont allow him to phone the house to have a civil conversation.

Is this a taste of things to come? will I always be a the shoulder to cry on?
Im being kept a secret by the way as they dont seem to come to any conclusions and I suppose it makes things easier for him.

IF we got married would the ex still have rights to claim 50% of everything he owns? some of which will be my assests.

hope some one can advise as sometimes it does give me a head ache!
PC x

SmellyOldSock

Being noisey, why are you being kept a secret?

My hubbie was seperated when i met him, his ex (who had left him for another man) stopped divorced proceedings for over a year. Looking back I think maybe she thought her children would be pushed out.

The thing with ex wives, is they are always gonna be there. Whether you like it or not. They do have rights, but not over your life.

You should talk to your partner, have you met his children?

sorry if it seems a bit of a ramble!

galvanizersbaby

pocketrocket wrote: »

Hi
I just wanted advise from anyone who has married a divorced man and the implications, here is the set up he has 2 daughters the ex has the house he pays towards the kids in fact he pays more than he should as he has a good job.

The thing I find hard is he will do things like this even though she is a horrid person towards him in that she wont let him phone the house (he pays for) even if its about the children, if he phones the house then he could be arrested for harrasment (?!!) I know ex wives have a lot of rights like staying in the house etc but it seems unfair when the man has to pay hundreds to a solicitor just to ask if he can take his daughters on holiday because she wont allow him to phone the house to have a civil conversation.

Is this a taste of things to come? will I always be a the shoulder to cry on?
Im being kept a secret by the way as they dont seem to come to any conclusions and I suppose it makes things easier for him.

IF we got married would the ex still have rights to claim 50% of everything he owns? some of which will be my assests.

hope some one can advise as sometimes it does give me a head ache!
PC x

It does sound as though there may be bit more to this than you've mentioned in your post - it is not usual for a person to be arrested for harrassment just for phoning the house - is he actually divorced yet or is it all just going through?
Are you seriously considering marrying this man or are you just wondering what the implications would be at this stage?

gizmo111

IF we got married would the ex still have rights to claim 50% of everything he owns? some of which will be my assests.

No - they will have a financial settlement which will be full and final. She could ask for more maintenance dependent on his income equally if circumstances change or you have children he could ask for a reduction.
Contact and holidays should be sorted out through the court and whilst it would be in the childrens best interests for them to communicate lots of divorced people simply don't and make it difficult for all to live peacefully and move on.
Why are you being kept a secret? If the marriage is over and he has left then whats the problem other than not rubbing her nose in it?

Pssst

Why cant he phone the house? Is there a secret past that he isnt telling you about?

If not,then it appears he is either scared stiff of his ex or has no backbone/not assertive enough.

Thinking about your possible LTR,has she purloined half his pension?

Blackpool_Saver

He is afraid to rock the boat as most of these men are, afraid if she knows about you she will stop contact......or go for more money etc etc...join the british second wives club, that would be a good place to start understanding what you are getting into....

pocketrocket_2

Hello thanks for the replies I think im being kept in the background just to make things 'easier' and it could make her more volatile by the sounds of it, in a way it suits me while we make our minds up to spend the rest of our lives together (im 38 no kids he is 40 and wouldnt mind more kids) I am keeping an open mind and never slag the ex off its not in my nature.

They are divorced the settlement is that she kept the house as far as I know so why does she contact a solicitor to claim 50% of his new property? I think it was a choice between a clean break or that she can keep claiming anything he has, am I right in thinking this could be the case for some ex's?

About the harrament thing it is really easy for a woman to go to a policeman and say she is being harrassed and put an injunction out for him not to come close to the house or phone her. But she is allowed to pass on messages advising him of change of pick up times etc via scribbled post it notes given to her daughters to pass to him when he sees them, but he has to pay a solicitor to say something really simple? Of course im not being naive I have heard of horror stories before where ex's turn when they divorce.

The thing is it was her idea to divorce and no one cheated on either side. It was a simple case of falling out of love (probably more to it I hear you say but I will only ever hear one side of it)

I can see myself getting wound up now about him forking out £200 pounds to ask to take his daughters abroad this summer what will I be like when we marry? this will be money coming from our household.

dipsy

how old are the children, I didn't think you could have a full and final settlement order if the children were under a certain age.... might be way off the mark,but a quick call to a solicitor for a 5 min free call will be able to give you advise regarding this.

some ex's can be reasonable and others choose not to be - maybe a power thing who knows....

good luck with it all

MrsAnnie

Unfortunately.. because of the children the ex will always be 'in the picture'.

I am marrying a man in a similar situation. He has one daughter, and will do anything for an easy life. Hence the ex seems to steam roll him at every opportunity. She threatens to call the police or the solicitor at each lttle stupid thing, and if she can not find anything she makes something up - I have witnessed this first hand. SHe even had the audacity to tell the DD that if she called me 'mum' I would be getting a solitictors letter! I send back word through family that she won't dare! and that she has met her match and that it would be the last letter she ever sent me! Things are a bit calmer now ! But it is difficult, because OH only sees his DD every once in a while so that the ex will keep her distance. Personally I think that although she didn't want him, she did not want anybody else having him either.


TBH I wish I had not put myself in this kind of relationship - it is very stressfull and emotions do run high at times . But love is a funny thing - once you fall in love it is so hard to just walk away.

It all depends what you are willing to put up with. Keeping quite is a good idea, but takes alot of will and resistance. It is hard to watch an ex manipulate ones OH.

As for the asset question. your OH need to get a clean break order when he divorces her, so that she has no claim on his assets after the divorce.

Good luck!

Pee

In an ideal world, we should probably all avoid men who have been married previously, esp if there are childen. It would make life a lot easier. But on the other hand, this isn't an ideal world, and I'd wonder what someone had been doing if they had got to 40 without being married or in a serious relationship.

He needs to get the divorce finalised before you start making plans for the future.

It can certainly be done.

Mini_Bear

This makes me a little more relieved about my partners ex wife and her demands. thankfully we dont go thru solicitors to sort out holidays (the ex wife has made it clear she wants her son to be taken away on holiday as much as poss so she can have free time). also her soon to be new husband has a son of similar age to partners son so if there are any disagreements my partner sorts it out with her partner as they tend to see eye to eye.
found out recently that the ex wife let slip how much csa my partner pays for his son (£700/mth) and now they are both being ever so nice.
partner tells me the ex wife used to be a lot worse and this was because she was lonely/bored and didnt hav a new partner. Sounds to me OP that this ex-wife is just bored and plots all day how to make her ex husband miserable.
its such a shame.
my advise wud be, dependent on age of children, can he not contact his kids directly thru their mobiles and organise time to see them? this is what we do, its no ideal havin to contact thru the child but it does keep the child in the loop with regards to r plans?
Believe me, you always feel some anger towards the ex-wife but hopefully in time that will disipate, particularly if the children see you as a good role model. i can think of nothin more irritating than your kids coming home sayin "we had such a great weekd with daddy and his girlfriend, shes so lovely". Good luck whatever you decide!