OH, holiday and debt

dieselhead

I think that we are struggling to advise without knowing the full story, you have told us that you cannot work, but without knowing why, of course you must have good reason but it makes it difficult to understand the complete picture. I'm sure that if you could work people would be suggesting extra hours an evening job etc. I think given that you can't work it is reasonable for people to assume that it is because of an illness of some sort and even if it isn't it might be worth checking you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to.

As you have said there are no easy answers to this however there is a difficult to take answer that is quite simple and that is if the money isn't there you can't go!

Have you asked your husband how he would finance the holiday, does he have any idea where the money could come from, is he considering taking out more credit or does he think that the holiday can be paid for simply by cutting back?

hvd

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I haven't made any assumptions; I simply asked whether this was the case and offered help with claiming benefits if it was. There's nothing wrong with having mental health issues but I'm glad that this isn't the case for you.

Your post certainly read as if camping not being an option was your idea but if I've taken that the wrong way I apologise.

However, I do think that saying "What sacrifices is he making? He works, that's not a sacrifice" when you yourself don't work (for whatever mysterious reason!) is unreasonable and selfish in the extreme and I'm afraid you've lost all my sympathy by writing this. Nowadays women don't consider it's a man's responsibility to keep them and their children, they do their share, even if it's only part time when the children are very young.

As for "He doesn't even do the work in the house so it's not like he's having to DIY all the time." does it not occur to you to do it as you're not the one who's working (long shifts, I think you said!)? So he's supposed to work all hours and then come home and do DIY while you do, what exactly?

Words fail me. Good night.

You've done it again. You've made another assumption that I dont do the DIY.

Words fail you? You have assumed things, read what wasn't written and based your thoughts on that. Maybe you're the one who should read back, with a clear eye? Your 'advice', which is really only a condemnation of me now, is of no use to me as you dont simply read the words in my posts but you seem to need to interpret them (wrongly) so I wont be responding again. Feel free to make some comment about how I wont accept other points of view or something.

hvd

dieselhead wrote: »

I think that we are struggling to advise without knowing the full story, you have told us that you cannot work, but without knowing why, of course you must have good reason but it makes it difficult to understand the complete picture. I'm sure that if you could work people would be suggesting extra hours an evening job etc. I think given that you can't work it is reasonable for people to assume that it is because of an illness of some sort and even if it isn't it might be worth checking you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to.

As you have said there are no easy answers to this however there is a difficult to take answer that is quite simple and that is if the money isn't there you can't go!

Have you asked your husband how he would finance the holiday, does he have any idea where the money could come from, is he considering taking out more credit or does he think that the holiday can be paid for simply by cutting back?

Thank you for your understanding but I dont agree it's reasonable to assume anything about me not working. People don't need to know why, all that was needed to be known for the point of the thread was that I wasn't working and that our income would remain the same. The thread wasn't about my not working, why couldn't that point just have been accepted as is, when I told what our situation was? After I answered the suggestions about part time jobs why have people taken that particular point and made an issue of it? Some things are the way they are and need worked round but some people here seem unable to accept that because of their personal views on who should work. Something happened to me which has changed my situation but I'm not going to talk about it so why can't that just be accepted? I just feel that there wasn't much point in posting really because my words cant just be taken at face value and assumptions are not helpful.

As for asking him about funding it, he just keeps saying we will save.

Thanks to most of you for posting but I think I made a mistake putting up our business on this site. I was fed up when I did it and I didn't realise I would get posts getting at me a bit, I honestly feel as if I do everything I can to support my husband but sometimes he makes my life hard and I dont know how to keep going.

belfastgirl23

hvd wrote: »

I honestly feel as if I do everything I can to support my husband but sometimes he makes my life hard and I dont know how to keep going.

I think you've probably hit the nail on the head here. In long term relationships, especially if there are other pressures and kids and money problems and all the rest of it, it can be really easy to lose sight of each other and why you're together to start with. The danger is getting to a point where for each of you your unhappiness is 'caused' by the other and I kind of think this is where you are at the minute. Believe me, I know because I've been through it.

I'd say you need to find a quiet time with your husband and try to reconnect with him. Put aside the holiday issue. You know what that's about. Try to get him to talk about how he's feeling. I know this isn't easy with men and it might take a few gos. I think you need to work hard at this, it doesn't come easily if you're both in a negative place. I've found that using 'I' words helps, as does talking about how you feel. In a way what he wants isn't logical so a logical argument won't help you. If you start with 'I'm worried about you, you don't seem to be yourself lately' I've found that to be good. Folllowed by an apology because you feel you haven't been listening to him properly. I know I know that's a hard thing to do but I think it is true. You're hearing his words and arguing him on the basis of that but in a way you're trying to switch off his desperation because it's upsetting and you know you can't give him what he thinks he wants. But it could well be that what he wants is to feel like a success. And feeling loved is one of the best feelings in the world.

I think we've all been guilty on this thread of trying to solve the surface problem too (the holiday) but I think you need to redefine this problem.

You're doing very well paying off the debt and working for your family, as is your husband. I really hope you can sort this out.

Edited to say, on the apology, I know you feel he's in the wrong but you need to lead by example. You need to behave towards him in the way you would like him to treat you. It takes some time and patience but believe me it does eventually work.

Glen0000

hvd wrote: »

Thank you for your understanding but I dont agree it's reasonable to assume anything about me not working. People don't need to know why, all that was needed to be known for the point of the thread was that I wasn't working and that our income would remain the same.

You not working will be contributing in a big way to the money issue. That is why it is important. People want to help. If you really cant work due to disability/mental health issues people on here will help you claim all you can.

If you are not confident in the workplace or have childcare issues people will suggest working from home options etc.

Stop jumping down the throats of the kind people who want to help.

Living on one wage is near impossible in this day and age and I can see why you are struggling.

hvd

Glen0000 wrote: »

Stop jumping down the throats of the kind people who want to help.

Living on one wage is near impossible in this day and age and I can see why you are struggling.

So it's ok for people to assume things and write negatively about me on that basis but I can't respond?

The facts about money are - I have an income, I just dont work. I dont need help to go over my personal finances. Our income wont change.

hvd

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

In a way what he wants isn't logical so a logical argument won't help you. If you start with 'I'm worried about you, you don't seem to be yourself lately' I've found that to be good. Folllowed by an apology because you feel you haven't been listening to him properly. I know I know that's a hard thing to do but I think it is true. You're hearing his words and arguing him on the basis of that but in a way you're trying to switch off his desperation because it's upsetting and you know you can't give him what he thinks he wants.

Thanks, that makes sense.

Pssst

Florida isnt that great and it'll cost.

As someone has already said, OH is very stressed,jumping the rails and grabbing for an escape hatch. You could easily have just as rewarding a holiday somewhere in the Greek islands.

Glen0000

hvd wrote: »

The facts about money are - I have an income, I just dont work.

Ahhh, you mean you get tax credits! You would still be better off working. No excuse I am afraid.

If you are that bothered about keeping your benefits, do some ebaying/car boot/matched betting etc.

hvd

Glen0000 wrote: »

Ahhh, you mean you get tax credits! You would still be better off working. No excuse I am afraid.

OFGS! Did I say that?! What the hell is wrong with you people? Do you spend your whole lives assuming things and making stuff up?

Thanks to those who bothered to read what I wrote and who managed to make helpful comments.