Stuck in my first home

Deep_In_Debt

I've been "stuck" in my first home for the last 20 years! Quite happy in it too. Have no reason to move.

Deep_In_Debt

Oh and I bet my kitchen and backyard are smaller than yours...but it's home and you've got to make the most of what you have...

charliee_3

ok.. amateur psychology time here lol... i think the house is a metaphor for your life and in actual fact there is some other aspect of your life where you feel dissatisfied, stuck, upset, etc (career? relationships? family? image? stagnation? not progressing in your life generally?).. i think that because the thing that is REALLY bothering you is possibly going to be hard to address, uncomfortable, painful or emotional maybe, then you have transferred these negative feelings onto your house as its much easier to blame your problems on a pile of bricks than yourself.. I think if you werent feeling in such a rut in some other part of your life you would either not notice your houses short-comings so much as you would be too involved with other thoughts or you would have the motivation to do something about it, whether that be home improvements, or working out how you can move somewhere else, or just getting on with the things you want to do and not letting your space limit you... but because this THING.. is difficult to address, you'd rather sit and wring your hands and moan about how wretched your house is and how great and different and exciting your life would be if you could move, than face the real issue... and lets be honest, you'd still be the same person with the same life, just in a bigger house...

I hope that doesnt sound too harsh, but just reading your post and substituting 'house' for 'life' it just screamed at me what the problem might be...

Fire_Fox

anoneemouse wrote: »

Depression? Ummm....good question.....and not something I've gone into/envisage going into...whats the point...I tend to think "Life is here....get on with it.....and make the best you can of it...whats the point in bothering what my feelings about it all are?" normally. To me personally - I tend to think "feelings just ARE...ignore them...they're pretty irrelevant...and get on with making the best of whatever there is in any sphere of my life" normally.

I dont like having my feelings popping up and reminding me that I'm not "at home" in this house ...would be just as well to know a way to "squash them back in the box and sit on them" ...as there is simply no point in feeling that way...I'm here ..whatever my feelings are about the subject...- its just a case of right now they're "straining at the leash a bit" and getting "let loose" and I'm wondering how to bring them back under control a bit and try and deal with the fact that this house isnt my "forever home" and I'm having to try and adapt to it as best I can.

The options you have been given in this thread are
1. Sell up and move on, take the financial hit if needs be
2. Stay put and get serious about plotting your 'escape'
3. Get more involved in the community and try to change the area
4. Give your house and garden a makeover
5. Get a second job so you are rarely home!

Interestingly you haven't addressed any of them head on, just focussed on the negatives. Feelings aren't irrelevant when they are stopping you from feeling positive about the future, preventing you being motivated to make positive changes in your life, making you feel disconnected from your living space.

Maybe you are mildly depressed and maybe you aren't. Maybe the house situation caused the depression, maybe depression contributes to the problems with the house. In no way am I saying you are imagining or exaggerating the situation you are in - depression feeds on negativity it doesn't conjure negativity from nothing.

Best of luck! :A

madison-nyc

Anoneemouse ,

I'm in a similar situation really. We were quite happy renting a nice , newly refurbed , big gardens etc. then when i was 6 months pregnant the owners decided they wanted to sell up! I was so upset at being turfed out that i was adamant we would buy and not rent again. So the next day i went and organised mortgage and found a house to buy!

This was nearly three years ago now when prices were sky high in my area and considering my impending maternity leave we needed to keep a mortgage low so we knew we could actually afford it on a monthly basis and ,soon to be,one wage.

So we bought a 'starter home' a very small two up two down old miners cottage. Which was riddled with damp and due to a [EMAIL="!!!!"]!!!![/EMAIL] builder we still have damp in our kitchen which means i can't put fresh food in certain cuboards as it all goes mouldy! lol! We only have a shower room , small yard etc. etc. and with a 2 year old and another baby due in september it's quite a squeeze as you can imagine!

BUT we have made the best of what we've got. There are many ingenious storage solutions to make the most of your space. As for the dingy back yard , we white washed ours , all the stonework etc. which really brightens it up and with some nice flower baskets and tubs it makes the world of difference.

our neighbours aren't bad , which is one thing i'm very grateful for , we didn't compromise on what area we wanted. It's cetrainly not posh but we could've got a bigger house in a less desirable area shall we say. But decided not too with having a child on the way and not knowing how long we'd be here.

In the summer I quite like my house but in the winter it's pants as we don't have central heating and everywhere goes mouldy again! lol!

So i'd say it's a matter of making the best of what you have really , get it looking and decorated nicely and it makes a big difference

Deb x

PasturesNew

I was struck by the OP using the word I. I wonder if the OP's world has been getting smaller and smaller too because they are on their own and, as you get older (talking mid 30s upwards here), if you're single then you can simply find that the world moves on without you and you've nothing in common with people and people don't have time for you because they're family-focussed.

I'd not suggest the OP gets out and joins a club etc because if you're at the stage where you've withdrawn then that might sound like cr4p advice because all you end up doing is encountering more smug/happy people, to be honest.

Hippychick

Another solution for you could be for you to rent out your existing house and you move and rent somewhere else where you want to live until you are in a stable financial position to sell.

mlz1413

When I read the first post my main thought is you are spending too long in the house. Try getting an allotment, going to your local animal shelter and volunteer to walk the dogs go to night classes and learn DIY skills, computer skills, a foreign language or anything else that interests you.

When you have moved the focus of your evenings away from the house for a while things may well not seem so bad, others have given good advise there are lots of opinions available you just need to look for them.

trumpton

The op did come over as a bit moany, but I can appreciate how things like grotty neighbours can get you down. You need to have a good look at your finances - have you any equity, can you afford to increase your mortgage? This should give an idea of how much effort will be required to move.

I must say though, that many of us tend to think things like, "If only I didn't live here, my life would be so much better...", "If only I lost the weight, things would change...". Don't put your life on hold, waiting for something to miraculously happen - you have to make the changes.

Also, most of us sit around waiting for motivation to get us started on something. You need to do something now - action precedes motivation. Do something today -do wait to feel motivated, just do it.

anoneemouse

Some valid points raised to date....the life in other respects could be better (but again...I'm very conscious that many people have things a good deal worse....).....hence it becomes all the more important to be able to think "well at least my home is fine....its a place where I can really feel "at home" and relax - rather than a place that generates further problems of its own". It would be a sight easier to deal with problems in other areas of life if it was possible to think "ahhhhh....my HOME and I can relax/rest/recuperate before heading back into the problems of the Big Wide World"....instead of "...and what further problems is that house and its location going to generate...to add to the things going on in the rest of my life then.....?".

Not an easy situation - and I know its one that a lot of us will be in...I'm very far from the only one with a crappy little house in a crappy little area.....:rolleyes:

I know what you mean Pastures New....this isnt the position I'm in....I'm still working on being out there in the Big Wide World...but I do know what you are talking about...but at least you and I arent going to be adding to the divorce rate because we've married the wrong person..in order to get together with "someone/anyone/the best we could get". This is part of the problem though...in that I sometimes/often wonder whether I should have married "the best I could get" and then I would have had a decent house in a decent neighbourhood....rather than this one....

Its alright...I'll just remind myself how fast I would probably have been divorced if I had done that.:rolleyes: