Stuck in my first home

anoneemouse

I bought my house some time ago now - and the plan was that it was my "starter home" - but things have changed (both for my personal finances and the economy) and I'm stuck here.

I'm trying and trying to tell myself that its a bit "self-indulgent" to get uptight about being stuck in this house and unable to move on to the next stage for the foreseeable future (if ever......) when a lot of people would be only too glad to own their own home and telling myself and telling myself "At least you do own your own home (as expected) and try to get used to it still being your starter home and far from being HOME".

It aint working...try as I might....and the house itself is upsetting me - with its tiny little kitchen and the grotty little backyard and being just a terrace house. The neighbourhood itself that the house is in is upsetting me - with its frequent..very frequent rubbish and graffiti and some of the neighbours are "problem" types.

Try as I might to tell myself to try and look at it as being "lucky" to own a house....I simply cant reconcile myself to either the house itself or the neighbourhood being remotely like a proper HOME to me.

I keep thinking "I'll cook up a storm in the kitchen....errr...not in THAT kitchen I cant" or "I'll go and sit in my nice garden and enjoy the nice views and birdsong - errr....I cant...I've got a grotty little backyard and what I'm going to notice is the neighbours' houses almost literally sitting on top of mine/their smells of fry-ups/their noise and lucky if I hear any birdsong".

I dont/I really dont want to sound "spoilt" - because I'm certainly not...but I am so longing for a proper HOME and I'm stuck in this grotty starter house in this not exactly salubrious area and I'm struggling.

I must be far from the only one in this situation - how do you all cope with this?

I know the obvious advice is to sell it and buy a proper HOME that I will be happy with - but "I wish" would be the only possible response on that...as I cant see how I am ever going to manage it...there simply isnt a way to do so.

superfran_uk

My sympathy, it's underwhelming.

You shouldn't have bought somewhere you didn't like, you should have kept renting until you could afford somewhere you could be happy in.

Your story could be a warning to all the FTBers on the board who are about to mortgage their lives for 1 bed newbuild flats.

ciano125

Rent it out and rent somewhere better.

Funnily enough I understand your situation. Our last house ticked all the boxes when we bought it, then the uber chavs moved in a little while later and I couldnt wait to get out. Luckily we sold it just before the market crashed.

You've got two choices though, put up and shut up, or rent it out like I suggested, but yes, you could be a lot worse off!

poppysarah

Did you buy it with your eyes closed?

Seriously you need a kick up the pants. Go and volunteer with a homeless charity for a full week.

struanhellier

I completely understand and do feel for you. You are not being spoilt and your aspirations are healthy and positive. Try to look at it long term. Can you improve your income by taking on more work or developing skills? Can you save money (lots of great advice on this board)?

Things can and do change, particularly if you have a dream and are prepared to work for it. The first step to getting on is being dissatisfied with where you are, so you are part of the way there already.

Good luck!

Fire_Fox

Complete one of these and join the lovely folks on the Mortgage-free Wannabe board. The quicker you make inroads into your present mortgage, the quicker you will be in a financial position to move on:
http://www.makesenseofcards.com/soacalc.html

There is no home or garden that wouldn't benefit from a makeover - do you have any friends/ family with an interest in style or design? Or anyone who knows about property or simply with a big gob who will tell you what looks scruffy/ overcrowded/ tasteless? This would improve your attitude to the place as well as making it more desirable to the next occupant.

I live in Bradford - not known for being particularly salubrious - in the city centre, not known for having ... well anything at all actually. I am a very active member of my local residents association, which has benefits far beyond simply improving my community. I have gained valuable knowledge and experience for my CV, a talking point for interviews or meetings, networking with bigwigs in local government/ the police force, a positive attitude towards the future of the city, and a nice boost to my social life! :beer:

To summarise: stop moaning, get off your backside and do something about it!

PasturesNew

It's only when you live in somewhere for some time that you realise how you didn't think about the longer-term things. If it's any help, I escaped a 6-bed house because I felt just like you: it was big and people walking by were impressed by it (outside looked nice), but inside I was alone and surrounded by 1001 jobs that needed doing on it and no skills.

You have two options really:
1] Sell, rent, save/wait and buy later
2] Sit it out and save hard, waiting for "the day"

Depends how old you are - and if living there in that house is affecting other areas of your life. Stopping you moving on. That's what happened to me. I sat there, holding on, gripping on because "it was a house - and it was mine". Then I had a lightbulb moment and realised it was holding me back from everything I thought I was missing out on.

Now, instead of sitting in that house I am sitting somewhere else, waiting for these mythical great things to happen that I thought I was missing out on. Although getting rid of my house WAS the right thing to do.

What scares you about selling?
What scares you about staying?

anoneemouse

PasturesNew wrote: »

It's only when you live in somewhere for some time that you realise how you didn't think about the longer-term things. If it's any help, I escaped a 6-bed house because I felt just like you: it was big and people walking by were impressed by it (outside looked nice), but inside I was alone and surrounded by 1001 jobs that needed doing on it and no skills.

You have two options really:
1] Sell, rent, save/wait and buy later
2] Sit it out and save hard, waiting for "the day"

Depends how old you are - and if living there in that house is affecting other areas of your life. Stopping you moving on. That's what happened to me. I sat there, holding on, gripping on because "it was a house - and it was mine". Then I had a lightbulb moment and realised it was holding me back from everything I thought I was missing out on.

Now, instead of sitting in that house I am sitting somewhere else, waiting for these mythical great things to happen that I thought I was missing out on. Although getting rid of my house WAS the right thing to do.

What scares you about selling?
What scares you about staying?

Age - not young any more I'm afraid!

What scares me about selling? - The hassle....well....could be worse....a reasonable size group of people would be there (well in normal times anyway!.....) and I'd be able to sell the house like a shot (in normal times).

What scares me about staying? Hmmmm.......that the area the house is in will create even more problems for me I guess - I just want to come "home" and shut the door and think "Thats it - problems over for the day" and not find that the neighbourhood the house is in is creating problems at frequent intervals for me OR that I cant relax properly from any problems in other areas of my life.

Difficult...I know....I wouldnt go so far as to say "I hate my house" (I'm reminding myself VERY hard that a lot of people would be glad of it......) but I would just love to be able to regard it as "HOME".....I so want to be somewhere where I walk up the street thinking "any minute now...I'm going to come to a house I like and that would suit me perfectly...I just have...and its MINE and I'm living there....how lucky am I!!" and relax because it suits me/it fits me....oh...I wish I could explain this better.

I AM trying...very hard...NOT to sound "spoilt"...because I know I'm not...

I AM trying...very hard...to remind myself of the situation that many people in developing countries are in...and I'm certainly in a lot better situation than many people there are...but I'm longing to be able to relax in my own HOME....rather than thinking "How many more problems are that house and/or neighbourhood going to create for me to have to deal with? - on top of my own problems...."

The house/neighbourhood IS upsetting me - no matter how much other people think it shouldnt. I keep telling myself that it shouldnt and to try and forget all the minus points about it....

Fire_Fox

You are as old as you want to be. My parents are both retired - they are back in the UK on a flying visit from touring the world in their motorcaravan! :eek: Five years ago they drove to China and back, this current trip was a full circuit of South America and up to Canada.

You aren't coming across as spoilt but you are coming across as a whinger (takes one to know one ). Do you suffer with depression? I don't mean to be rude, it's a very common condition (again takes one to know one).

anoneemouse

Fire_Fox wrote: »

You aren't coming across as spoilt but you are coming across as a whinger (takes one to know one ). Do you suffer with depression? I don't mean to be rude, it's a very common condition (again takes one to know one).

...well...I've been trying very hard NOT to come across as "whinger"...as I know JUST what many people would have to say (ie NOT charitable....:rolleyes:).

Depression? Ummm....good question.....and not something I've gone into/envisage going into...whats the point...I tend to think "Life is here....get on with it.....and make the best you can of it...whats the point in bothering what my feelings about it all are?" normally. To me personally - I tend to think "feelings just ARE...ignore them...they're pretty irrelevant...and get on with making the best of whatever there is in any sphere of my life" normally. I dont like having my feelings popping up and reminding me that I'm not "at home" in this house ...would be just as well to know a way to "squash them back in the box and sit on them" ...as there is simply no point in feeling that way...I'm here ..whatever my feelings are about the subject...- its just a case of right now they're "straining at the leash a bit" and getting "let loose" and I'm wondering how to bring them back under control a bit and try and deal with the fact that this house isnt my "forever home" and I'm having to try and adapt to it as best I can.

Wondering whether to paint the house bright red/try to have a long holiday away from it somewhere more salubrious or what....looking for practical suggestions as to how to continue to "make the best" of it...

I know there must be many other people stuck in a similar situation right now.....ie they've not been able to "move up the ladder" or perhaps even get on the "ladder" in the first place. Wondering what they do to deal with the situation?

Mobeer

Try reading:
First They Killed My Father: A Daughter of Cambodia Remembers
http://www.amazon.co.uk/First-They-Killed-Father-Remembers/dp/1840185198

You might not feel any better but it makes it more difficult to feel sorry for oneself.