i want another aby, o/h doesnt, now what?

smartie12

You could always do what whatshername was doing on Eastenders last night.... pin + condom!;)

MrsTinks

smartie12 wrote: »

You could always do what whatshername was doing on Eastenders last night.... pin + condom!;)

I really don't think that advice like that is funny or advisable... And if the hubby found out you could probably wave goodbye to all trust in the marriage if not the marriage itself...

Marriage is about communication and compromise - I'm sat looking at a compromise as I type I wanted kids - kinda always knew I did, so did DH but he was also worried about giving up our rather nice lifestyles. Our compromise was to not start trying till after we got married rather than earlier like I would have liked.
You have two healthy children and a loving husband and you are still young so if things changed and you could easily afford another in say 5 years then there is no reason for why you couldn't revisit the possibility then - I had Alexandra at the tender age of 29 and she's my first - a friend of mine had a surprise 4th at the age of 40 (most definitely NOT planned) over 7 years after her youngest till then - you have plenty of time yet so why the rush?

smartie12

MrsTine wrote: »

I really don't think that advice like that is funny or advisable... And if the hubby found out you could probably wave goodbye to all trust in the marriage if not the marriage itself...

Marriage is about communication and compromise - I'm sat looking at a compromise as I type I wanted kids - kinda always knew I did, so did DH but he was also worried about giving up our rather nice lifestyles. Our compromise was to not start trying till after we got married rather than earlier like I would have liked.
You have two healthy children and a loving husband and you are still young so if things changed and you could easily afford another in say 5 years then there is no reason for why you couldn't revisit the possibility then - I had Alexandra at the tender age of 29 and she's my first - a friend of mine had a surprise 4th at the age of 40 (most definitely NOT planned) over 7 years after her youngest till then - you have plenty of time yet so why the rush?

A sense of humour is great too:p

MrsTinks

I have one thanks - unfortunately a lot of people will see advice like that and seriously think about it...

mark13

Agree with earlier comment, that maybe he'd like to make time for you and him and the family you already have.

galvanizersbaby

alison999 wrote: »

We already 2 kids, the youngest is 2 and the oldest is now at school.

Im still young, mid twenties and feel that now is the best time for #3, we are financially stable and have a happy home.

My o/h is 10 years older then me so maybe thats it....

He wont really discuss it, just says 'no' whenever i bring it up, but where do we go now? i dont have that feelin that women talk about, that our family is 'complete'.

i guess im just venting but id like him to open up about why #3 isnt a option. if #3 were to come along id like it to be while im still young as i plan on doing a course, degree of some sort when theyre all at school.

HELP!

Hello there

I think really all you can do is sit down with your hubby and explain how important this issue is to you so that you are both clear and aware of the others viewpoint - it's all very well poster's making guesses about your OH's viewpoint but it's you that really needs to know how he thinks and feels and why

I can totally understand why you would rather have a 3rd baby sooner as having had your children young and large gap between 2nd and 3rd baby could make more of an impact on finances/your future plans and I would imagine it would be harder to go back to the nappies/babies stage (that's how I'd feel anyway but then again there's only 17 months between my 2 and I like to think that stage is behind me now - guess we are all different though

Sarahlou_2

Hi. I guess you feel a little frustrated.

I have one son aged 4 and a couple of months ago I quite fancied another baby...but OH said "no way". I was upset for a few weeks yes, but I soon realised that (as he pointed out) we couldn't afford it as we'd have to move house, give up work (me) and make sacrifices. Plus I had a traumatic birth, would I want to go through that again?

So it was a choice of one child and be happy and fairly stable, or two children and feel the strain in all aspects of our lives. As many people say, it's all about compromise.

Wish you lots of luck x x x

(ps - the thought of sleepless nights again also put me off!)

3onitsway

MrsTine wrote: »

I really don't think that advice like that is funny or advisable... And if the hubby found out you could probably wave goodbye to all trust in the marriage if not the marriage itself...

Marriage is about communication and compromise - I'm sat looking at a compromise as I type I wanted kids - kinda always knew I did, so did DH but he was also worried about giving up our rather nice lifestyles. Our compromise was to not start trying till after we got married rather than earlier like I would have liked.
You have two healthy children and a loving husband and you are still young so if things changed and you could easily afford another in say 5 years then there is no reason for why you couldn't revisit the possibility then - I had Alexandra at the tender age of 29 and she's my first - a friend of mine had a surprise 4th at the age of 40 (most definitely NOT planned) over 7 years after her youngest till then - you have plenty of time yet so why the rush?

I agree with Tine - speak to him and find out his reasons why - then discuss putting it on hold for a few years. You're still young enough. You could even do your studying now, or when your two are both at school, then discuss having the third when the studying is done.

I had my first two at 25 and 29 - and have just had my third at 37! I'm not regretting going back to the days of nappies and sleepless nights, in fact i'm enjoying being a mum more this time round, i've got more time and more patience and two lovely little helpers when they get home from school.

sarymclary

Bringing any child into the world has to be a joint decision. You cannot underestimate how a 'surprise' pregnancy can rock even the most solid marital foundations.

The fact that the OP's husband seems reluctant to even discuss the matter of another child seems to indicate that this topic is off the agenda. He seems to know he doesn't want another child, and talking about it will invariably be a discussion where you're not going to agree, and have to beg to differ. He's avoiding the conflict that could ensue, and the possible resentments that could be unearthed; you, for him not agreeing with you or understanding your 'need', and him, for feeling pressured by you to give in to something he doesn't want.

The practical and financial pressures and burdens have already been mentioned here. Do you have a 4 bed home, and a 6/7 seater vehicle already? How secure does your husband feel about his work, and was he hoping you might be able to shoulder some of that burden in the coming years?

The factor that your husband is 10 years older may also be something to bear in mind. He may be hoping to be rid of the nappy years by his mid 30's, and then be able to still enjoy family life, and look forward to having some more couple time too.

I have to admit that I stayed broody for another baby for at least 3-4 years after the birth of each of my children, and realistically I'd say that they have to get to be about 6 years old until you can fully appreciate not having a very small child in tow. When you're in that period of nappy bags, special foods, bottles/cups, changes of clothes, pushchairs, activity centres, etc., you just accept that is part of your life, but believe me, once you have been away from that time of your life, you can really struggle to endure it again.

I'm a mum of 4, and I always wanted a large family, but so did my husband. One of our first in-depth conversations found us both wanting to have 4. We did stop at 2, initially, because we felt that it was important for us to provide properly for our children, and at that time we could only afford a small 3 bed home. As the years went by, and my husband's career progressed, we only then added to our family, providing what we felt was an adequate home for them. Our wish may have been to have a large family, but the reality had to be accepted along the way, and if stopping at 2 had been what was required, then that's what we would have done.

A larger family means you struggle to get babysitters, you don't get the family of 4 offers, holidays dont' cater for you, hotel rooms don't either, staying overnight at extended family's homes is pretty much impossible too (we're going to a big party in July and we'll be staying between 2 people's houses). We don't get invited round to as many parties or BBQ's, because let's face it, just our family alone could clear the buffet table.

The knock on effect for us as a couple has been that we socialised very little when the children were small, and it is only when older siblings become old enough to babysit for us that we get out more. I seem to be the main parent that invites children to our home, so with a house full already, I can easily have 8 children round, if they're limited to 1 friend each.

You have to consider matters not just for the now, when the children are all small, but into the future. How do you imagine it will be to have a 17 y/o, a 14 y/o and a 12 y/o in the future? Mine are now 17, 15, 11 and 8, but their issues and needs are all so very different. Girls seem to mature quicker than boys, so whilst your lad may be fine to just be playing footie at 14, your daughter may be wanting to party and date much older boys at that age. My 17 y/o is far easier to deal with than my 15 y/o, who wants to live a rock n roll lifestyle, and struggles to understand why he can't get tattoed and peirced to within an inch of his life now (my compromise has been to allow him to dye his hair black).

Negotiating about a bag of sweets at the checkout queue with a 3 y/o is nothing compared to negotiating why your mid-teen can't go to a rock festival, and why you think smoking cannabis isn't a wise choice!

My advice would be to look deeply into the eyes of any 40-odd year old - they've either been there, or are there, and that weary look should indicate how hard raising kids into adulthood can be.

Believe me, if I could go back and have them all aged 0, 2, 7, 9 again I would - it was SO much easier

I do think you need to discuss the matter with your husband though, but not as a means of being able to talk him round, but to understand why he is so keen to stop at 2, and then to discuss with him your feelings about why you wanted to have #3. Both of you need to listen to, and appreciate each other's point of view, whilst not expecting to change either of your opinions in the process. If you are going to reach a mutual level of acceptance about your family's future, I feel this is of paramount importance, and could hopefully alleviate any negative feelings.

If you find yourself still feeling that sense of longing, then perhaps you need to explore that further, with some counselling to understand the reason why? Is it that you simply enjoy being pregnant, or like having that new baby bonding, and all the lovely paraphernalia that goes with them (I loved that). If you simply love being around small children, then perhaps you could transfer that natural empathy and care into a career path into the future? You must understand that feeling the need to have a baby is perfectly natural for many women, and it can last a few years, but in my experience, having longed for children from my mid-teens onwards, it did begin to fade once my own children began to get older, and I began to appreciate having a life that wasn't so tied by their age.

P.S. Sorry for the long ramble!:rotfl:

DKLS

smartie12 wrote: »

You could always do what whatshername was doing on Eastenders last night.... pin + condom!;)

Not funny, I found a gf of mine in my bathroom doing the very same thing to my stash of johnnies. She was out the door and out of my life 10 mins later.

I understand she did the same trick again, but this time the poor guy didn't discover until it was too late, now he is lumbered.