i want another aby, o/h doesnt, now what?

smithyjules

I have a daughter of 2 and i would dearly love another child. My husband is adamant he only wants one (i have known his feelings for a long time before we had our daughter. To be honest he had an awful time growing up with his sister they hated each other and life was not happy. I know he is terrfied this might happen to our happy family (finally managing to juggle everything now and quiet settled lol!).

I do honestly see where he is coming from even though i pine for another child. I don't think the feeling will ever go away but i also feel very strongly that i would never ever want to have a child with someone that didn't want one too. I could never be decietful and plan something like that ( i am well aware that some do). Accidents happen and yes we would come to terms with that and go forward with the pregnancy. But i would never betray/push my husband into something he didn't want. can you imagine how a child would feel to know that?

Mind you it is a scary thought that i might be feeling like this in years to come. I thank my lucky stars that i was able to have one healthy, happy and just spot on fab child as many women/couples cannot have any. I am thankful i have a loving husband who is fantastic with our daughter and concentrate on her and us as a family.

Pee

I think you need to look at your reasons for wanting another child, and his reasons for not.

I'd think that having a good marriage with two children is preferable to having three children, but I may be wrong. Only you know what is right for you. If my boyfriend would prefer a third child to me, I'd feel very hurt and think there was a lot wrong with our relationship...

Are you worried about going back to work?

Flipped27

jellyhead wrote: »

Sarymclary what an excellent post :T

I've got 2 boys and after a surprise 3rd pregnancy miscarried I really wanted to try again. My baby was just 9 months old. It's only now, 3 years later, that my 'baby' is getting ready to start school in September that I am starting to accept that we will never have that 3rd child. I still want a 3rd but my husband does not. I've been in a kind of limbo for 3 years, always thinking that my coil is only temporary and at some point we will have 'the talk' and my husband will agree to try for a 3rd child.

My husband really doesn't want another child though, despite loving our 2 to bits and being the most hands-on playful father I've met. He thinks 2 is the perfect number of children, whether same-sex or opposite-sex. I've noticed that all of his family have had 2 children, and all of his cousins, our age, are stopping at 2.

Deep down I recognise that his parents have had more time for their 2 than my parents had for us 4, and have given more attention and guidance. from around age 11 I always felt invisible to my parents, that their time was always taken up with the 2 who demanded most attention. We couldn't go out much (I don't think they had 7 seaters back then?) except for on the bus. We couldn't go swimming. One of us got lost on the beach so we didn't go again. The cinema was too expensive, the christmas budget had to stretch further. We couldn't go to swimming lessons or gymnastics after school because the baby needed feeding, etc.

I don't think it would be quite like that if I had a 3rd child, especially because of the large age gaps so I wouldn't have too many little ones at the swimming pool for example, but it's more the sense of parents being too busy, poor and not having time for us as individuals that I wouldn't want my children to feel.

While I wouldn't want 4 I think 3 would be okay. We'd have to move house though, which would mean me getting a job and I really don't want to do that if I had a preschool child. I'd not earn enough to cover it all anyway, the holiday childcare of my middle child, and eldest isn't eally old enough to be a latchkey child, not all day every day in school holidays.

It's taken me 3 years to come to terms with all of this though, and I still feel that I want a 3rd child - I'm not going to have one though. My husband doesn't want one, so that's the end of it.

I'm going to concentrate on my lovely little family and tell myself how lucky I am (oh, but I really long for a baby though!)

Oh God, that has totally depressed me My number 3 is 9 months old, and I also have a 5 yr old and a 9 yr old.

I grew up in a big family and remember exactly what you described! I already feel like i don't have enough time for everything, i would hate my kids to feel like that....

To the op - I think there is always a want for more children, I was adament i didn't want 3 until a pregnancy scare that got me thinking. I will NEVER regret any of my children thank you very much but that doesn't mean it was the best thing to do for the ones i already had.

I feel for you, you need to speak to your dh and be completely honest with each other......

Good luck

ps I wanted 4 for a while so we agreed that dh would go and get the snip during a particuarly hard patch of non sleeping baby

alison999

thanks for all the replies. ive spoken to him and i understand his points, life is just starting to get easier as our toddler gets older, we've decided to wait and see how we feel in a while about it.

chopperharris

from a husbands perspective and someone from a broken 3 child family.

Theres a door here , a divorce door , if you end up accidentally pregnant he will resent it , relationship will deteriorate but at least you get what you want.

If husband says no then talk later its still a no , he will resent it.

Why not foster and see if it works out , easy to handle financially etc?

How about surragacy for others , including your children or siblings , why not harvest and freeze just now in case any kids cant in the future?

I caught my wife trying the broken condom trick and untaken pill early in our relationship , fortunately I was patient enough to know why she was doing it.....her mother told her to do it , she was more interested in grandkids at any expense and knew it would have broke us up and ideally to carry on the now dead family name.It didnt work though , medically we cant have any kids , and to have merely one would be a gift but I wouldnt want 3.

What happens if you do get pregnant and its twins or triplets , thats more than doubling the mouths to feed not merely just another one?

Appreciate what you have , 2 healthy kids and a decent man...its a rare thing these days.

jellyhead

Flipped27 wrote: »

Oh God, that has totally depressed me My number 3 is 9 months old, and I also have a 5 yr old and a 9 yr old.

I grew up in a big family and remember exactly what you described! I already feel like i don't have enough time for everything, i would hate my kids to feel like that....

I'm sure your children won't feel like I did - I was a 'woe is me' child anyway :rotfl:

My mum had 4 children and the youngest was premature and always in hospital - quite stressful. Also my dad was always at work or with his mates - he was never around, not in the way that many men are today. I doubt that he ever played with me in the bath, read me a story or even knew the names of my school teachers or friends. My sister was a nightmare too, a very challenging child who took all of mum's time and energy - nowadays she'd have had a father's input and discipline too.

I have a friend whose 5th is on the way and her house is happy - I don't think any of her children will spend their teens sulking like I did. Not all large families make children miserable

I know what you mean about the 'want another baby' always being there - playing with young children is so much fun, I'll really miss it when my 3 year old is in full time school :rotfl:

Dinah93

DKLS wrote: »

Not funny, I found a gf of mine in my bathroom doing the very same thing to my stash of johnnies. She was out the door and out of my life 10 mins later.

I understand she did the same trick again, but this time the poor guy didn't discover until it was too late, now he is lumbered.

What kind of twisted woman would want to have a baby in these conditions?

LJM

i always wanted more than the 2 i have and they are gorgeous girls but my OH doesnt want anymore,may be in the future, so im putting all my energy into my girls and focusing on them if it meant to be later on then it will,but you cant let it ruin your relationship otherwise you could be left with nothing

consultant31

I have 3 children (all grown up now) and had always intended to have 4 in all. However, I was very ill with the last one and was advised to be sterilised on health grounds.

However, the 3rd child was so much harder to cope with than I expected - not the child's fault, but I seemed to get far more exhausted than one extra ought to have made me.

I began to feel that nature provides us with all we need to succour just two children, ifkwim. We have 2 knees to sit them on, 2 arms to cuddle them, 2 breasts to feed them. If I sound like a nutter, I probably am, lol, it's difficult to explain really. The last child along had to always be on my knee with one arm round (she was only small after all) but that left one of the others out every time. Sometimes it was really hard.

I wouldn't be without any of my 3 (they make our life worth living) but if I had my time over, I think I'd probably stick with 2.

Pssst

Havent read it all..bear in mind OH is ten years older,also you both have 2 children,,he feels hes done his bit and its time to kick back,relax a little and maybe enjoy whats left of his life,not start all over again. If you push this one,i see a rift.