How often is it "normal" to fall out with OH?

not_tonight_josephine_2

Hello, OH and I have been together for 18 months, and normally get on very well. For the last couple of months though, we have started to have little fallouts maybe a couple of times a week - nothing major (neither of us are the type for big rows), but maybe one of us will snap at the other or get upset and then we have a disagreement.

I'm not that experienced in long term relationships, and just wondered if this is normal, as I keep worrying that it means he will break up with me!? Which makes me more stressed and more likely to get upset.

We are both very busy at work and tired these days and haven't had a holiday for quite some time, not sure if this may be a factor too.

So I suppose I'm just wondering how often other people tend to argue with their partners?

princessamy86

I went through this at around 18months- everything he did drove me crazy! We used to bicker about all sorts, like you said, nothing important just low grade grizzling at each other. In the end, I just thought- is any of this stuff important? No. So I had to learn to let it go! If he doesn't wash up, so be it! I'll mention it, but I'm not going to get upset about it. Snapping at each other- had to learn that talking to each other when we had only just walked in from work was not a good idea. I really need about half an hour to unwind, otherwise I'm prone to biting people's heads off! As is he. Try something like cooking together, you can just chill and do something together that doesn't require much effort, then you get to eat together and catch up on your day. Next time you go to snap at him, try and catch yourself and ask if it's worth it? I'm sure you know how to provoke a disagreement, if you love him and want to be with him you need to learn a way round it.

skintchick

My OH and I hardly argue. Occasionally we have a disagreement where one of us snaps, but usually those are only about once every three or four months. They are a little more frequent right now as I'm pregnant and hormonal and he is in denial so isn't sorting any of the baby stuff out, but usually we don;t argue much.

I'd worry if we argued twice a week and would have to work out why we were doing it and whether we could sort it. I couldn;t be with someone I argued with constantly, to me it signals something is wrong in the relationship.

MrsTinks

I think the first time I REALLY snapped at my OH (hubbie) was at about 4 years and 2 weeks... when he was trying to be helpful and told me to "breathe through the contraction"... I'm afraid I finally snapped and told him to "shut the **** up" :rotfl: I did appologise when they finally gave me the epidural though

Seriously - everyone is different and there is no rules about things like this... If you are starting to snap at eachother then there is probably a reason for it - you say you're both working loads and getting tired - make sure you keep talking to each other and discuss how you are feeling. I've had down times and Dh has too but because we talk about it it's never escalated into arguments. We could do with a holiday too but with a 2 week old I guess that's quite some way off yet

Silverbird

I've been told that my relationship with my husband is 'unhealthy' by my sister because we simply do not argue and have never fallen out. We obviously disagree sometimes about things (though not often, I must say - we're very like-minded, so I'm sure this has something to do with that), but we've never raised our voices at one another and never had what I would consider an argument. Just minor disagreements and we've just agreed to disagree. Sister considers this unhealthy because she says things get sorted out best during arguments, which I couldn't disagree with more. We're very open and honest and if anything upsets either of us then it's brought out in the open and discussed calmly and rationally.

However, I am aware that a lot of couples argue and some quite regularly and although this is very strange to me and certainly not something I would want to be a part of my relationship, I assume some people are happy with this. Everybody is different and every couple are different.

If I were in your situation I would be talking to your OH to see why this keeps happening and to try to stop it. I would imagine that once you start arguing it's easier to do so again and again and presumably could spiral and get more frequent. A good chat about it may help and I do hope you get things sorted.

Another point I forgot to add before - get yourself a break booked cheaply anywhere. There is nothing more refreshing than having a week or weekend away from home and work and everything else and just enjoying each others' company. There are extremely cheap flights available at the moment as well as cheap hotel deals. This site is obviously the best place to get looking for those.

not_tonight_josephine_2

Thanks everyone

skintchick - thanks for your reply, although tbh i do feel a bit worse after reading your comments! I wouldn't say we properly "argue" twice a week, just maybe a brief disagreement over something trivial (usually caused by me snapping, I admit) which we then make up. Maybe that is arguing though!

I don't think there is anything wrong with our relationship, I've been tending to assume I'm snapping more than usual because I'm so tired and that a holiday will sort me out. I really hope so as we have both agreed that we want this to be for the long-term and plan on getting married in a couple of years. I'd be absolutely devestated to lose him so I really want to sort myself out and not get stressed - I haven't felt like myself at all for a while now, so tired I can hardly stay awake past 7pm.

I think I just worry that he will get fed up of me being so tired and end things (even though he has told me so many times that won't happen and he wants to be with me forever!). I come from a very unhappy family background so I think I find it hard to just brush little things off, any little disagreement make me so stressed and worried.

We lived together for months until recently without ever falling out, I just want to get back to that.

I think I'm just rambling now so will stop!

not_tonight_josephine_2

Silverbird - I cross posted with you, thanks for your advice. We do actually have a holiday booked soon, I think I just need to try and relax until then and hopefully we will get back to normal after that!

skintchick

Sorry - I meant more that it would concern me and I'd talk to OH about it and find the reason why and try to sort it out.

I didn;t mean your relationship is doomed!

If it bothers you then sit down with him and talk it through. And a break sounds like it's needed. being tired and stressed can make us snappy and argumentative.

Topdogfran

It sounds as if you aren't communicating effectively.

not_tonight_josephine_2

thanks skintchick - that's me getting upset over nothing again, assuming you thought we should split up!

am actually feeling a bit more positive having written everything down and had some replies from others - am just going to make a huge effort to stay calm and not let things get to me, then have a really nice quality time together on holiday

ema_o

Me & OH tend to bicker if we are both tired / stressed out and more so if there is something one of us is upset about but we haven't talked about properly.

I usually force him to come out for a walk / bike ride - for some reason the fresh air helps - we usually start out cross at each other and finish feeling a lot better.