How To Come Clean With Oh - Advice Please!!!!

dottyanne

Hi - ive done my SOA yesterday and posted it on here - thanks for all your advice so far by the way.

A major problem for me is actually putting my OH in the full picture - he knows were struggling a bit - but not the extent - it hought perhaps printing the SOA off and shoving it in his face might do the trick - but i feel such a failiure as it is - i really dont know how he will react!!

Im terrified - please advise!!

Chortle_2

Don't feel like a failure for a start!

Hubby has left you to deal with the finances single-handedly, whilst he goes off and runs his 'baby' of a business, with no business plan, and no real idea of whether or not it is making any money from what I can work out.

You've been left in an impossible situation - make him face up to his part in it!

I'd show him the SOA, and print off the rest of your other threads as well - let him read the advise you've been given on here, so he can see that are might be a way out if you act NOW, rather than it all just being a huge mess that'll overwhelm him totally, with no light at the end of the tunnel. It'll also show him that you're serious about sorting it all out!

D&DD

Morning Dotty well done for taking such a brave step. :T It's best to tell him a fresh pair of eyes on the whole matter may help..
You are doing great so far keep it up
You are NOT a failure..take a look at how many of us are in shtuck on here!! BUT we are all doing something about it thats the difference You have faced up to the hardest part by sitting down and confronting it all on paper it's a scary time but now hopefully you can start to sort it all out.I am still trying to digest all the figures as I've been rushed of my feet all week but will try to come back with some constructive advice later.
There are some really great posts on your other threads so it may be worth collating them all together once you've printed them off and picking out the suggestions that other posters have made to help Sending big hugs your way you're doing sooo well :T

lynzpower

Dottyanne, Ive been following you since you came on here a couple of days ago,and Im really rooting for you

Yes, print off the threads, and if he likes, bring him on here to have a look at how well we are all doing ( if he thinks we are talking rubbish) There is as you know a wealth of experience here.

Talk it through rationally, as if you were talking to a bank manager. Now isnt the time to get irate and start the blame game. If he tries to blame you for any of it, then remind him you are in this together.

In my experience a problem shared is a problem halved, with your OH on side, you can come at the problem as a team.

All the best. xx

*zippy*

Hi Dottyanne

((( hugs))) Don't feel a failure you've done your best in difficult circumstances you haven't had a regular income, we would have all struggled in the same boat. Make sure its the right time to tell your hubby, not when hes tired, grumpy or in the middle of a row etc and as chortle said show him your soa.

Whatever his first reaction is he will calm down and it will be easier to do this together, it might be better than you think as he does know you have debt and this is his responsibility too, you haven't been buying prada handbags etc have you, you just don't have enough to live on and have struggled on alone trying to make ends meet. He needs to support you now. I can't even remember how I actually told my DH and it wasn't long ago, so it couldn't have been too bad He was annoyed for a couple of hours and you have to expect that as its a shock, one things for sure I felt alot better afterwards and we were able to make some headway.

In your circumstances Dotty I don't think you have a choice, I think whoever has the most earning power needs to find a full time job, this isn't forever. It will take the pressure off you and the business as you will have regular income and you can put the profits back into the business to clear the business debts.

Best of luck, we will be thinking of you
Zippy

tigerlily

(((hugs))) to you, you are certainly tackling things head on and I have so much respect for you. A few years ago my (now ex) bf left uni having run up debts of several thousand pounds which I knew nothing about, a few months after he moved in with me I accidentally opened one of his letters which was from a company threatening allsorts if the money was not paid back. To say I was shocked was an understatement, I admit I was prob' in the wrong here but I went in search of his bank statements etc. I tackled him about it when he got home and he told me (what I took to be) the whole picture. As we didnt have the money between us to pay it back I marched him to his parents house to ask for help, his parents were able to help luckily!! Anyways, a few weeks later I was talking to his mum and she said something about the money owing to X, which I knew nothing about....again!! So later I confronted him about that and found out there was a whole lot of other stuff aswell!!
I guess what I'm trying to say is that in my opinion its better to get it all out in the open in one go then you can get on with the "fixing". It is a hard thing to do but you are in this together, its not fair for it to all be on your shoulders.

F.Y.I...the BF eventually left owing me nearly £2000 aswell....but I hassled it out of him in the end lol

highguyuk

I personally wouldnt print off the threads. He may feel that you have been talking behind his back and if he is confident about these he may not like other people knowing about your financial problems.

However, do show him your SOA and mention the site. Sit down and show him the fact, be prepared for all questions and sound like you know what the problem is and what you are going to do to solve it.

Bothered!

dottyanne wrote:

Hi - ive done my SOA yesterday and posted it on here - thanks for all your advice so far by the way.

A major problem for me is actually putting my OH in the full picture - he knows were struggling a bit - but not the extent - it hought perhaps printing the SOA off and shoving it in his face might do the trick - but i feel such a failiure as it is - i really dont know how he will react!!

Im terrified - please advise!!

Hi Dottyanne,

I have been reading some of your threads and would like you to know your are not alone....I have been sitting on the fence for years wanting to tell Oh just how much we are living beyond our means, when I try to mention it he just says " don't worry we all in debt til we die!" and offers no help.

Since we married 21 years ago I have had to do all the finance/money arranging, budgetting etc. and I am totally fed up with it, so much so that despite having my own business and working from home and the fact that I have good potential to earn alot... I just can not motivate myself any more as I feel like all I am doing is trying to keep my head above the water to keep everyone else happy but myself.

Do try to keep your chin up, try to re-arrange some of those debts...is your mortgage tied-in to that rate and how long you got to go?

Bothered!

Agree with Highguyuk....wouldn't print off all the threads to show him...just the ones with financial advice.

Lewby

Hi Dotty. I agree with Zippy about making sure you talk to him at the right time. Not when he's distracted, stressed or generally not in the mood for having a 'heart to heart'. I hope he respects the fact that you have taken some positive action by looking at the position seriously and deciding that enough is enough.

My OH went into denial to start with as most of the spending was his and I wasn't strong enough to say no to his constant 'wants'. He thinks I've gone slightly mad and am obsessed with this site now as I sit here at night reading, posting and generally recharging my batteries of motivation. I have started a spending diary (which he hates) but he sees the benefit of it when I tell him at the end of the month we have managed to reduce our overdraft by £400!! He is still totally bemused by the Smartie Tubes though!!

Good luck with telling him. You will feel so relieved I'm sure when you've done it ... no matter what his reaction is. Carrying the burden on your own weighs very heavy I know and it certainly isn't all your fault!!

I think you should take a positive but assertive stance and tell him that you have made your mind up to to do something about it and you would really appreciate his help.

Good Luck and let us know how it goes.

Lewby xx

beverleyhills

dottyanne :grouphug:

Only saw this thread this morning and I haven't read your other threads through from beginning to end. I think that you have done really well. You and your husband are partners. I suggest that you make time to sit down with OH to discuss your SOA without interuptions from Sky and the kids. If he wants to run a business he has to take an interest in financial affairs. Agree that you will continue to take responsibility for managing your financial affairs, but you need his co-operation and interest, and that you want regular discussions.

He will probably go off the deep end. Leave it and come back to the discussion when he has calmed down. Keep focussed on your finances, Do not be side tracked into anything else. Do not criticise him, only concentrate on what you can change together. Suggest small steps to achieve goals.

How old are the children? One poster (regret that I can't remember her name)to this forum said that they sat down with their children and explained by things were changing in the household.

I think that Sky needs to go. Don't be emotionally blackmailed while you are trying to turn this situation around. Can OH do something with the kids instead.

Although I am anti smoking I wouldn't suggest giving up smoking yet. You can get help from your GP and deals on nicotine patches if they are running a campaign. I think that you have too much to deal with before you tackle smoking.

Come back again. Best wishes bh