Would like a 4th child but hubbies had the snip

aliasojo

My OH has had the snip. He's 7 years younger than me and Father to only one of the little cherubs (:rolleyes: ) that laughingly call themselves our children. (23, 16 and 6).

I was unsure whether it was a good idea or not as I thought I might've wanted another but we really couldn't afford to, so OH made the appointment.

I was surprised the GP referred him with no problem as he was young (ish), we were not married and he had only fathered 1 child. However no questions were asked and the hospital appointment came through within 2 or 3 weeks.

As the date came nearer, I kinda went to pieces and kept thinking we were doing the wrong thing and that we shouldn't take away our option to have another. I was pretty much getting to the end of the good old biological clock ticking too and it felt so 'final'. I cried, I talked about it constantly, I tried to persuade him etc etc. I was surprised how emotional I got tbh.

However, I (very reluctantly) went along with him and accepted it was being done. To my complete and utter amazement, as soon as it was over, I felt relief and was actually happy that we couldn't have any more.

Don't ask me....I don't understand it myself. I would hazard a guess that some deep rooted natural maternal emotional gene kicked in somewhere when I realised I wasn't going to have the option anymore and then as soon as it was a done deal, the emotion went and the common sense kicked in.

On the very odd occasion now, I'll see a baby on tv or out shopping and I'll look wistfully...........for all of a minute, then I think...'oh no, I couldn't go back again, lol'. :rolleyes:



Edit: Should add, to the OP.......in your position, personally I wouldn't have another. The children you have, need you the way you are, there for them and healthy enough to take care of them. The possibility of thiings going wrong is all too real and I wouldn't chance it (if it were me).

elaine373

Its so easy to forget all the pain and danger of childbirth a few years after the last one.Its also hard to accept that ones baby days are over. They might be physically but theres alot you can offer if you still feel you would want another baby. i.e.fostering. What you are feeling is totally normal. women were made to have babies. who is to say that you wouldnt feel exactly the same 3 years after a fourth. one has to be the last.You are blessed with 3, now change your direction by staying healthy as possible to look after what you already have. All the best.

jellyhead

aliasojo wrote:

I would hazard a guess that some deep rooted natural maternal emotional gene kicked in somewhere when I realised I wasn't going to have the option anymore.

i'd agree with that. a lot of my friends and family were diagnosed with pcos within a year or or and although most of hadn't been broody at all once told we might not concieve again every one of us cried and got broody. my aunt with 5 children (3 of them grown up!) had clomid at 40 to have another child, my sister's having another one now after not wanting any more, the others are all trying or having babies too, most of them had already finished their family, and being told they'd have no more babies just made something click in them and suddenly they wanted another one. i was planning one anyway, so we started trying straight away instead of putting it on hold for another year (just as well as it took 3 years).

did anyone see the tv programme about older mums last week i think it was? a woman in her 60's who already had grown up children from her first marriage had used egg donation and ivf to have more children with her new partner. she was in her 60's and had had 2 ivf children in her 50's but she still cried at thought of never having more babies.

elaine373

I truly think there are some woman who had psychological problems dealing with having their last baby. I am one of them.I have seven children, the eldest being 22 and the youngest being 3. Yes i know, 7 is alot but that didnt stop me grieving for what i couldnt/shouldnt do any more. My last child is a real handful and i guess that helps.Now the grandchildren are arriving and that helps somewhat too. Also,I realise i need to look after what i have been blessed with and at 41 can be a young nan and a healthy `older` mum, God willing.

Megabusymum

I agree, even if my OH suddenly had a change of heart and wanted a 4th would I be happy with 4 would I want 5? I think after reading eveything here and although I will always wonder what other children would have looked like or acted like then it's time to call it a day. It's strange I married at 19 never even thinking of children and for the next 9 years didn't want any then I have the first and don't want to stop. It's the hardest job I've ever done being a stay at home Mum although it's the little things that make it worthwhile, the smiles of their little faces or an unexpected hug and I love you. I think that's what makes it hard to except that my "baby-days" are over I never realised how much I'd enjoy it but life moves on I and so will I, it just takes a bit of getting used to that's all.

margaretclare

jellyhead wrote:

did anyone see the tv programme about older mums last week i think it was? a woman in her 60's who already had grown up children from her first marriage had used egg donation and ivf to have more children with her new partner. she was in her 60's and had had 2 ivf children in her 50's but she still cried at thought of never having more babies.

I didn't see the programme. But it's strange - when I first got together with DH we were both 62, I fell wildly in love with him and I really fantasised about having his child.

Only I wouldn't want to do it the way those women did - using egg donation etc. We couldn't do it the old-fashioned way - he had a vasectomy years ago (in his first marriage they had 2 children of theirs and also she had 2 from her first marriage, total 4), I had a hysterectomy, so not possible. I would have argued that donated eggs, donated sperm etc would mean that the child was not OURS, no matter how much science was used in its creation.

But I do understand the feeling!

Aunty Margaret

Iona_Penny

This is an emotional issue for you and all I can do is tell you my story.

I am an only child and OH one of 8! We always talked about having 3 kids. 2 early miscarriages and then an overdue, induced, failed ventouse emergency c-section delivery of son. Couple of year later my desire for a second child (did definitely not want child to be only) outweighed my fear of second delivery. When you are in it it doesn't seem so bad but ended up with 2nd emergency c-section, adhesions, massive blood loss, shock and transfusion...but it was worth it.

One month later developed a fistula and leaked urine all the time. Investigations and surgery sorted me out; then the mental worry started. I dreamt about delivering again and it was not pleasant so when baby was about 18months OH had vasectomy. Then I had to grieve..for what you ask. Well the 3rd imagined child that would never be.

I have NO regrets now. Sex was better when I had no fear of pregnancy and I could not risk my health for an unnecessary baby and leave my two motherless could I. Would I have risked it not to have an only child? I think yes. But this decision has to include hubby. What would you say to someone else who posted your story? Please try to look ahead to your lovely children moving through life and don't despair about what cannot be.

gravitytolls

Do you think you could be broody, because your body thinks that by rights, it shoudl be carrying another child?

could it be, that when th eyoungest is at school, and you have free time on your hands to do something other than rear young 'uns, that this broodiness will pass?

Could it be....and I hesitate to suggest this.....that as the youngest is now 3, a new baby would be here around the age the youngest starts school? Do you think you could be afraid what you will do with yourself without a baby to care for? After all, rearing pre schoolers haas been a HUGE part of your life for so long.

I have 7, and have had babies for years too, and I'm feeling nervous, and my youngest is only 1.5.

Give it some time, maybe a year or so, and if you still feel the need to be with children, discuss fostering with your husband.

stickytoffeepudding

mummysaver wrote:

...your husband, but obviously he has serious misgivings about having more for many reasons.

Maybe he loves you to bits and doesn't want to lose you?

I had a close call during so-called 'routine' surgery a few years ago and my poor husband had to visit me in ICU for 2 days. The thought of leaving him with 2 young children haunted me for a while.

Now things have moved on I make the most of everything I have got and enjoy it to the full!

Look at what you have - be grateful!

Anastasia

I have 4 children and thought an extra one wouldn't be much extra work but that fourth child nearly finished our relationship. It was a shock and she was a good baby!

And now they are all getting so big - it's expensive!