How do you know when you are ready for children?

patchwork_cat

angelicmary - I didn't read anyone saying it was despicable to have children and not be married. To have children and one of the criteria for having them is to have a carer when you are older is completely wrong.

angelicmary85

patchwork_cat wrote: »

angelicmary - I didn't read anyone saying it was despicable to have children and not be married. To have children and one of the criteria for having them is to have a carer when you are older is completely wrong.

No I understand that no-one said that I'm sorry if it seemed like I meant that, I was just trying to understand what was also classed as being despicable - it just seemed to me that everyone was jumping on Rowena's back for having an opinion, I was just trying to stick up for her!

She may not have meant that she wanted her kids to be her carers, maybe she just meant that there would be someone loyal and trustworthy to help her with little things like grocery shopping or maybe she meant that she'd still have company in older age as so many older people seem to be alone in older age with no family around them?

Bitsy_Beans

You don't have to have kids. Not everyone will do - my SIL doesn't seem to be too interested and that's her perogative. She seems pretty happy with a niece and nephew (my own kids) and that's fine by me.
From the sounds of it you are right to worry about being able to support your dad as well as a baby. I love my children of course but I have very little time for myself as they are very demanding. I am sure as they get older this will ease somewhat but the early years are time consuming.
However in my 20's I was adamant I never wanted kids. Never felt broody, wasn't interested in them. Met my H, we had several years (9 in fact) of being a couple and doing what we wanted. The closer we got to getting married having a family seemed to be the natural course and I felt more settled and ready to do it.
BUT I am glad I had the time to do things I wanted without children (such as go to Disneyland in Florida!!!) and enjoy being a couple. Having kids does put pressure on your relationship (lack of sleep is a killer and it doesn't just end with newborn stage ) so I would suggest to your H that whilst you're perhaps not ready now due to circumstances you might want to revist the idea in a few years time.
Don't put yourself under pressure - you sound as though you have enough on your plate as it is.

Rowena_Lee

To those who replied to my comment, I thank you. I respect all your opinions and it really make sense to me.

Well, that's my perception in life and it's in our culture. We really care for our elders and we can't live without children it's much boring for us not having any children.

Rowena_Lee

angelicmary85 wrote: »

No I understand that no-one said that I'm sorry if it seemed like I meant that, I was just trying to understand what was also classed as being despicable - it just seemed to me that everyone was jumping on Rowena's back for having an opinion, I was just trying to stick up for her!

She may not have meant that she wanted her kids to be her carers, maybe she just meant that there would be someone loyal and trustworthy to help her with little things like grocery shopping or maybe she meant that she'd still have company in older age as so many older people seem to be alone in older age with no family around them?

Angel thank you for being an open minded. That's exactly what i meant and it's in our culture. I think that's the best in us. I do appreciate those who replied on my comment because I learned from them (that we are all unique in culture and i respect their opinions).

xmaslolly76

Reading your post it comes across as you do want kids just not right now and with the stress you are under im sure everyone can understand why. Dont worry about it and put extra stress on yourself once everything settles down you will know when you are ready. If in the future you decide that having children really isnt for you then thats ok too. Thats the beauty of the modern world we now have a choice. Continue what you are doing love and look after your dad, get married and enjoy just being a couple for the time being. Good luckfor the future and i hope your big day is everything you wished for and more :-) xx

Lois_and_CK

angelicmary85 wrote: »

my family consists of 2 unmarried adults with 1 child and another on the way...is it 'despicible' that we're not married?

You misunderstand me. I did not say that unmarried people were despicable! I was unmarried before I got married :rolleyes:

The one point I objected to was having children in order to have a carer when you're old. I see you've re-worded Rowena's post and she's agreed with you that's what she meant. Fair enough (sorry, Rowena), but the original comment WAS having someone around to care for you in old age, NOT having company/being alone, and that's what I objected to.

Anyway, we're invading the OP's thread here, so I think we ought to make friends and let the thread get back on track :-)

mountainlioness

Rowena_Lee wrote: »

I think one of the main purpose of marriage is to have a family and family is not complete without children. Sometimes we really feel that way but time comes that you'll be longing for it. What you have experienced on your dad is a big different from caring your own child. Maybe for now your not just ready to have a baby but I tell you it will be much boring without a children calling you a mum and when you get older there will be no children to care for you and do the same as what you did to your father. Your dad is so lucky to have a daughter like you.

I wish you good luck and I hope you'll change your mind!

OMG thanked this rather than quoting - I totally disagree (I wonder is poster is religious? sounds v much like a religious viewpoint - what about gay partnerships?)

Marriage is about love, partnership, companionship, mutual trust and support, commitment... how anyone can imply that a marriage without children would lack one of its main purposes is beyond me (and rather judgemental). Why should the OP change her mind just so she can conform to your view of marriage? Surely all you or anyone can hope for is that she and her H2B are happy together (kids or no kids)?

I agree with the posters that say you need to talk this through with H2B before rather than after the wedding. Kids is one of those biggies that it's generally better to share your hopes and expectations early as it can have such a profound effect as the relationship progresses and the issues become more prominent.

I never really wanted kids and it's only really recently that I began to think and feel like I was ready to start a family... am still less fluffily maternal than DH is paternal (he cannot wait, feels totally ready, is like a dog with two tails generally) but am looking forward to our new arrival in September. I don't think it's an automatic thing though and I hate it when ppl say 'oh you'll change' (whether about having kids or going back to work or whatever). You know you best and the decision is one for you and DH, no-one else.

Be open and honest about your feelings with H2B, maybe agree that you'll spend at least 2 years (or whatever) enjoying being a couple and won't discuss kids, then review the situation? it may take the pressure off and allow your feelings to develop naturally in one way or the other.

All the best

pamelab21

I've been with my hubby for 8 years now and we have been married for almost 4 years, he is a few years older than me and always meade it clear that he wanted kids and if I had been ready years ago he would have been willing to start trying for a family straight away, however I was not ready at all when we married and knew I wanted kids but just not at that point.

I gave myself 5 years to do the things I wanted to do and said we would discuss it at that point, however 3 years later I felt I was changing and really started to want a family. I am now due our first in Sept this year and couldn't be happier.....

However if we had tried after getting married and when I knew I was not ready I would have been resentful I think to both my hubby and the child. Pregnancy takes a lot out of you and you have to really want it ( I think anyway)

To cut to my point you have to wait until you are ready and do not rush into it, I am glad we never and now we are both looking forward to a baby we are both ready for.

Must add that I had the 5 year conversation with hubby before we got married as I had to get it out in the open before we got married just in case he was not with me on it.....its his life too.

Pee

I would certainly want to know whether someone wanted children, might want children or didn't want children before I made a commitment to marry them. I'm not sure whether it would be a deal breaker for me and even if you know you both want children, there are no guarantees...

I do think you need to look at the support and care you are giving to your father and whether it is realistic for you to continue to do this.

One of my friends has a stepson who she gets on very well with who is now in his early twenties but who never lived with her as a child. She now has a much younger son as the result of an accident. The little lad is lovely, cheeky and bright and charming, but she said that she has never felt maternal and falling pregnant in her late thirties was a big shock. She thought that she would come to terms with it and just be able to deal with it, and to a certain extent that is what she has done, but she finds it very difficult on a sunny bank holiday when we are all sat outside the pub. Her OH is very good and works fulltime and does much more than his share of the housework, but doesn't do much of the childcare. Careerwise she is now about back on track with what she was intending to do when she fell pregnant. She finds it very frustrating but despite her moans, wouldn't actually be without him - and wishes she could have had another as thinks two would be easier to deal with and better socialised!!

Think about how you'll feel if you can't conceive.

There are many different family structures and one or more of them will be right for each of us.