How do you know when you are ready for children?

barnaby-bear

KittyKate wrote: »

I've spoken to hubby to be and he's happy to wait, but he seems to think it's the stress of my dad which has made me this way (I certainly wanted kids before he fell ill). I work a full time job and travel a 25 mile round trip 3 times a week to look after him. I am a bit scared having a baby will mean I can't care for either properly and my dad only has me.

I want kids in a passive way, I'm just frightened. I can't imagine not having them after I marry...I just don't want them...does this make sense!?

Forgetting about the baby thing. The situation with your father sounds very stressful and tiring and sole responsibility for it must be incredibly wearing. Is there anything that can be done to ease that will give you more space to work out what you do want/do things you want to do. Could he be moved nearer, could you move? Are you getting your full carers/attendence allowance (bit of money means you could buy in more care), support from carers? Some supermarkets allow you to put a second delivery address on your account so if there's a car problem etc you will still be able to send food out for peace of mind... any little things?

Lunar_Eclipse

Rowena_Lee wrote: »

I wish you good luck and I hope you'll change your mind!

One can only assume from your comment that you are a Mother who finds her children very rewarding.

But it is not like that for everyone, so I have no desire to change anyone's mind if they're unsure. The world is over populated enough and there are enough less than perfect parents and unruly children to put anyone off (although I never saw them before I had my own children!)

As a Mother myself, I would say you should really really want children before having them. To say they change your life is an understatement. I think you should feel like you couldn't live without them, because it is by far the hardest and most exhausting job in the world (done properly!)

But you need to discuss this with your future husband, long before you actually get married! I suspect your caring role has affected your current view on having kids, but none-the-less you should keep your feelings known and honest. Oh and babies are such a short lived phase (sadly; I adore them!) of having children.

Pollycat

KittyKate
You sound really confused, poor love.
Have you had a really serious heart-to-heart with your hubby to be?
I think that if one person in a relationship wants kids and the other doesn't (and to me, you sound like you don't particularly DO want them), it can cause massive problems in the future.

Hope your wedding day goes well for you both. :beer:

Rowena_Lee wrote: »

I think one of the main purpose of marriage is to have a family and family is not complete without children.

Sorry, Rowena, but that's a load of tosh.
Why should people who want to spend the rest of their lives together not get married just because neither of them want a family?

I've NEVER EVER wanted to have children, my Mum said that she knew when I was in my early teens that I probably wouldn't have children - and that was 40 years ago when it was seen as fairly strange to CHOOSE not to have a family.
I've never regretted my decision and have been lucky to find someone like-minded.
My view is that you miss out on a lot of things if you DO have children and you miss out on different things if you DON'T have children.
The trick is to be sure of what you really want from life.

fay144

KittyKate wrote: »

I want kids in a passive way, I'm just frightened. I can't imagine not having them after I marry...I just don't want them...does this make sense!?

That makes total sense to me.

I always assumed that I'd have kids at 28, if I was married. I got married a year ago, and suddenly nothing could seem more horrifying (I'm 27 now). It would be the end of the world, or at least the end of all the things in my life I enjoy...

But in a lot of ways, I *want* to want children. Our parents would be so upset if we don't, and I worry I'll change my mind when it's too late.

So currently, I sort of feel like I should just accept that life can't be about having fun forever, and I need to grow up and settle into a miserable life of drudgery eventually. Not yet though - I'm not thinking about it again until I'm at least 30.

Luckily, my husband is of a similar opinion. It sounds like yours isn't. I think you need to seriously talk about what would happen if you decided not to have children, etc. It's only fair for you both to go into the marriage knowing exactly where you stand.

Lois_and_CK

Rowena_Lee wrote: »

I think one of the main purpose of marriage is to have a family and family is not complete without children ... but I tell you it will be much boring without a children calling you a mum and when you get older there will be no children to care for you

Utter nonsense. A married couple is a family unit in their own right, with or without children. And to have children because you want a carer when you're older? Despicible.

patchwork_cat

This is a very hard question. A lot of people make the descion to never have children. A lot of people will say it is different with your own and personally - yes it is. However having said that I also believe that it isn't for everyone.

My DH was unsure about children, but always said that when he imagined himself older it was with children. How do you see your life in 10/15 years? Is it with children?
Fay144 - it isn't a life of drudgery!!! However you don't have children to have a carer when you are older that isn't on.

angelicmary85

Lois_and_CK wrote: »

Utter nonsense. A married couple is a family unit in their own right, with or without children. And to have children because you want a carer when you're older? Despicible.

Afternoon all,

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion on what a 'family unit' is...my family consists of 2 unmarried adults with 1 child and another on the way...is it 'despicible' that we're not married?

Rowena Lee obviously loves what she classes as a 'family unit' but she shouldn't be judged just because she believes children are a natural progression from marriage.
Although, I agree that having children to be carer's in later life seems a bit harsh, there's alot of children (i.e school age) that become carer's by accident who's parents didn't intend that to happen.

puddy

im child free by choice, it would be the end of the world for me if i had kids, my parter has 3 grown up kids and a vasectomy so luckily no worries there but my best freind is 10 years older than me and comes across the same as the op, wanting to want to have kids, sometimes really wishing she had kids but at the same time she wouldnt really be happy with the constant wants and needs that children bring. have you read the book called childfree and loving it, cant remember who its by but its got a black and white cover i think???

puddy

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Childfree-Loving-Nicki-Defago/dp/1904132634/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1241443850&sr=8-1

here it is, nicky defago is the author

jenhug

I would say stop putting pressure on yourself, I dont think the issue is actually about having children, the issue is can you cope with someone else needing you when you are already trying to juggle so much. Take a step back, tell hubby you are not ready right now, and when the pressure is off you will be able to think more clearly.