How do you know when you are ready for children?

KittyKate

Hi Guys, a strange question I know, but I am getting married in 9 weeks and hubby to be has always been under the impression that a baby will naturally follow

I know it sounds really strange but I am just not that 'into' babies. Sure I think my friends babies are cute but I love handing them back. To be honest, I find them a bit boring.. I don't know why I feel this way - I don't go out clubbing it, I am a bit of a homebody, but after 2 years of caring for my disabled dad I just see a baby as another drain I'm not sure I can cope with/give the constant support and attention they expect and deserve. (Of course, I'd love him/her to bits but being a mum is more practical than that!)

I go to restaurants and see kids running around (misbehaving, not generally I mean) and it irritates me. I choose family-unfriendly hotels abroad so I get peace around the pool. I must sound like the most un-maternal person ever!!!

People say 'you'll change when you have your own' but I'm terrified I won't - what if we plan to have a baby and I don't 'get it'?

choille

Don't plan to have a baby, until you want one - really want one.

I have never had the urge to have one - it's not that weird, luckily my partner of 20 years feels the same. And that's the thing - we are both in argreement on that.
Maybe you should be having this discussion with your future husband.
Don't ever be pressurised into falling pregnant & hoping that you may change your mind & be all up for it. You may become resentful. Children are a huge commitment for a very long time.
All the best.

SugarSpun

I hate badly behaved children too, and will go out of my way to avoid being around them. I'm also a couple of months off having my first one - it wasn't planned, and I was a little bit horrified when I found out I was pregnant. But to be honest, when we thought there was a problem in the early stages, I was utterly beside myself with fear. There's a weird bond that already seems to exist, and although we have to make some serious lifestyle adjustments I'm confident that it'll be worth it.

Having said that, if you're not sure then don't try to have one, and perhaps talk to your husband to be about it before the wedding rather than after.

KittyKate

I've spoken to hubby to be and he's happy to wait, but he seems to think it's the stress of my dad which has made me this way (I certainly wanted kids before he fell ill). I work a full time job and travel a 25 mile round trip 3 times a week to look after him. I am a bit scared having a baby will mean I can't care for either properly and my dad only has me.

I want kids in a passive way, I'm just frightened. I can't imagine not having them after I marry...I just don't want them...does this make sense!?

whitewing

I have a DS who is 12, and my DH and I have been trying for a baby since Feb last year. I haven't ever been broody although like you think babies are quite cute. Also like you there have been factors invlving my family which may account for my lack of broodiness.

I trust that it will happen for us when the time is right. I'm not so fussed about lack of broodiness as I was fine with DS when he came along (other factors to be considered).

At the age I am I don't feel that I can wait until I am broody or I may deny DH of ever having his own child (DS is his step son).

In some ways I am glad I'm not broody; I get slightly disappointed each month but it would be sad to crave.

Years ago I asked someone how they knew to start, and she said she was holding her sister's baby and didn't want to give it back. Similar situation with a distant relative of ours who held my son for about 3 hours and then had her own 9 months later.

Glamazon

i've been with OH for over 9 years and have always said I didn't want children yet - in December I suddenly became broody and bobs your uncle

sooty&sweep

Hi

How old are you ?

I have 2 that I love to bits and at times I do wonder enviously about life without them but when I'm away from them for any length of time I miss them dreadfully.
I'm not a massively maternal mum. I work fulltime ad have no desire to be at home with my youngest.

Question to ask yourself is how you'd feel if you didn't have any ? If that makes sense.
I've heard of older women who didn't have a child because time never seemed right or just didn't round to having a child but then regretted it when it was too late. There will never be a perfect time.
But also know others that just didn't want and didn't have children and are very happy with their decision.

There is no right or wrong

Best Wishes

Jen

poppysocks1

Hi
Just a quick reply - I am 37 and all my friends have babies, but I dont have children and i would say a large reason for that is that i have a disabled brother who still needs assistance and this has made me not want to have children as well. I just wanted you to know you are not alone regarding thinking like this, and it doesnt mean that having children or not is the right thing, but it certainly affects how you feel about the situation. I dont think i will ever have children now, as my situation has been ongoing and too upsetting, i dont want to go into detail but certainly has affected my having a family which is a shame.

Rowena_Lee

I think one of the main purpose of marriage is to have a family and family is not complete without children. Sometimes we really feel that way but time comes that you'll be longing for it. What you have experienced on your dad is a big different from caring your own child. Maybe for now your not just ready to have a baby but I tell you it will be much boring without a children calling you a mum and when you get older there will be no children to care for you and do the same as what you did to your father. Your dad is so lucky to have a daughter like you.

I wish you good luck and I hope you'll change your mind!

JoolzS

Not having babies makes complete sense to me. I'm now in my early 40s and am childfree by choice.

I'm incredibly happy that I happened to marry a man who didn't want children.

I'm almost 100% sure that if I'd married a man who did want children that I would now be an unhappy mother - because I would have followed the herd. I got lucky :-)

If your DH is happy to wait - then wait and see how you both feel. Read loads online both pro and anti having children - and then see how you both feel. Use "childfree" rather than "childless" in your searches.

Julie

barnaby-bear

Rowena_Lee wrote: »

I think one of the main purpose of marriage is to have a family and family is not complete without children. Sometimes we really feel that way but time comes that you'll be longing for it. What you have experienced on your dad is a big different from caring your own child. Maybe for now your not just ready to have a baby but I tell you it will be much boring without a children calling you a mum and when you get older there will be no children to care for you and do the same as what you did to your father. Your dad is so lucky to have a daughter like you.

I wish you good luck and I hope you'll change your mind!

And what if the kids are handicapped and can't speak, or if they turn out plain nasty... there are a few....

Children as a pension and care package - charming. It sounds very stressful and difficult and I think the OP wouldn't wish her caring role on other people. A lot of elderly people do not like the indignity of being cared for by family and opt by option to buy in outside care.

We don't know the OP and for a lot of people a child is the natural step but it can be wrong for some people and done for the wrong reasons - I can count a fair few who've had a child to 'change' something in their relationship/situation and it doesn't change things just adds another set of issues on top.