The giving up/cutting down alcohol support thread! Part 3

orchid-96

115K wrote: »

I don't know if this one is too rude.:o

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel shoved down his pants. The barman looks at him curiously and says, ''Buddy, you know you got a steering wheel shoved down your pants?'' The man answers, ''Yeah, I know! It's been driving me nuts all day.''

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Like the warnings too 115K it might make people think if they were on there!!

Jo...hope you have a fab day out with your kiddies x

40SM I had my ds in tears this morning, my friend/another mum has taken him with her and her daughter for me as I had to work...he was fine till she got here then just dissolved into tears :rolleyes: apparantly he is fine though...although I then took the twins to nursery and dd1 (just) would't go in and I left her crying too!! I know she is just tire though as the little wotsit wouldn't go to bed last night and still got up early.

anyway one more bad one from me and I am off

A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, "Can I have a pint of Less, please?"
"I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?"
"I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."

so corny it hurts

barshamhillbilly

:j:j:j:j:j:j:j:j:j:j:j

Just worked out ...... 60 consecutive Days Alcohol Free

£200 Not spent !!!!!! :eek::D:eek::D

:j:j:j:j:j:j:j:j:j:j:j

barshamhillbilly

When I say not spent ..........

TIME2GROWUP_2

Another newbie for you... I feel a little like a gatecrasher ! I would like to say that you are an inspirational group of people who probably are not aware of how much good you are doing just by relaying your thoughts/feelings/problems etc for all of us to share.

My story in brief is I have finally turned a corner, most of which is down to yourselves through reading your stories. I have consumed wine on a 'like water' basis evening after evening for at least 3 years. I have a number of addictions smoking/drinking/spending.. hey at least eating isn't one of them..! The drinking has been my main concern for a long time, again like others I come from a family of heavy drinkers so its sort of the norm, I have friends who do the same as me, but in my case it has been affecting my health - mentally and physically. By reading your stories/diaries I have made a massive change in the past week and am proud to say I haven't had a drink since last saturday night. :j(3 Af's so far for June..)

However I would also like to say that i'm definately joining the cutting down not the giving up club! If I can control my drinking during the week I intend to continue to enjoy my units at a weekend.. not perfect but a large improvement for me. If its okay I would like to join and set myself a target of 16 AF days for June, thank you. x

So i've just popped on to wave and say thank you, i'm sure there are many of us lurkers learning all the time from yourselves

Wanna_Bee_Free

The five stages of drunkenness:

Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT.
And of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you're still SMART, so naturally, you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of the wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle, because you are smart, you're RICH and hell, you're better looking than them anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know ALL the words.

The five stages of hangover

Stage 1 - Stupid
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy a flood of sensations only dimly remembered from previous hangovers, such as the pneumatic drill headache, cloying nausea and Guinness/ Tetley/Theakstons/[add tipple most consumed night before] Two-Step, you realise that you have lost not only several hours of your life but the ability to concentrate on anything. You are now officially stupid and will probably stay stupid until you get onto your third bacon sandwich.

Stage 2 - Ugly
Never entirely happy with the comic effects of the bathroom mirror first thing you are horrified to discover that you have now become even less attractive than you thought previously possible. Not only has the combined effect of the booze and smoky/sweaty atmosphere given you a glorious collection of spots but you've either left your makeup on overnight or are shaking so much that you now look like you've shaved with a sanding block!
Unfortunately you are still too stupid to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking or to remember the necessary beauty tips to paper over the cracks.

Stage 3 - Poor
Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money you got from the cashpoint to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being stupid, you have no idea what happened to it but the smell of curry on your coat or duvet leads you to suspect that you may have treated an entire rugby team to curry and lagers at some point, alternatively your pocket will have been picked or you will have given the taxi driver a £50 note by mistake. Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that stupid and that you would remember being mugged, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any drinks all night and start to loathe all humanity.

Stage 4 - Made of Glass
As you are now a stupid, ugly and poor sociopath; you embody most of the characteristics you hate in other people and your self-respect plummets.
Your already fragile physical condition is made worse by this until you think you are likely to melt or shatter if handled at all roughly.

Stage 5 - Circus Freak
Luckily, any person who is not hungover can spot this condition and its cause from a great distance. Even better, they know that they can complete your misery by parading you in front of your colleagues, family or friends, shouting at you and insisting that you drink things with whole eggs and Worcestershire sauce in or eat greasy food as "it's the only thing that will make you feel better". You are too stupid to know where to hide and too conspicuously ugly to get away with it, too poor to buy an Alka Seltzer and too fragile to hit them.

Wanna_Bee_Free

TIME2GROWUP wrote: »

By reading your stories/diaries I have made a massive change in the past week and am proud to say I haven't had a drink since last saturday night. :j(3 Af's so far for June..)

:wave: Hello Time 2 grow up - great user name, wish I'd thought of it!

Wow, 3 AFDs already in June - well done that's an excellent start. :T

I don't have to say welcome to the mad hedgehog bad jokes house then as you foolishly joined us even after knowing what to expect - mhah hah (best eeevil larf!)

barshamhillbilly

fayjmck wrote: »

BHB? I'd imagined you looked more like Pa Larkin

Just saw this - wondered if it was how you saw me an mrs bhb before the photo went up?? :

fluffyb

Hi and welcome time2growup :wave:

Sounds like you are off to a great start in June :T

barshamhillbilly

:hello: Welcome aboard Time2growup

We are a mad bunch but we are quite friendly

Good Luck and best wishes
BHB
xx

Pippilongstocking

A big shiney parcel has arrived at home (I am not am home)

I will be later though