how do you know when to call

rolo-polo1965

Hi

I want to wish you the best i know exactly how you are feeling, this is my thread:

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=1291367

I left my husband on 28th November last year, this thread contains some good advice that i have recieved

Pee

I think you know what you want, and that part of you wishes that you hadn't agreed to the timescale.

If the problem is his drinking, then maybe he can change that. And maybe he can't.

If the problem isn't his drinking, but the fact you feel you get no support from him, and basically that he doesn't make you feel loved, then I think you should get out and that you deserve better. I say this reluctantly because it is always sad when people split up, especially when there are children involved, but I don't get the impression that either you or the children get any benefit from this man.

Someone else posted on another forum, toss a coin, so say heads you leave, and then wait and see which way it lands. How do you feel about the way it landed? It's just a way of finding out what your real feelings are.

It may be a drunken threat, but you could read warning signs into his behaviour, of potential domestic violence and I think you should speak to Women's Aid or Refuge and maybe have some counselling from them.

WEEGIE

IF you re-read your post, the answer is there for you. A man(or woman)who is violent towards their partner for years will NEVER change, You said he is abusive towards you, this is totally unacceptable and I think you should call it a day. I have a friend whose husband was violent towards her, she took the abuse for 8 years, she used to get battered every couple of days until one day she appeared with a black eye and severe bruising to her face, she made the excuse that the wardobe had fallen on her. Two different situations I know, but same outcome.

Best wishes.

MrsE_2

justdontknowanymore wrote: »

you guys are amazing xx
I know I really just have to wait and see what happens, but I feel like I'm just waiting to take a load more abuse.
It would be so much easier to go, he doesn't help with kids or house, he doesn't often work so I know I can afford to keep myself and the kids with what I earn. we only rent the house we are in, but I don't think he could afford to live here on his own. the main reason i havent already gone is because i am worried about him harming himself or just not having enough money to live on.

This would worry me, is this an inherant personality trait?

jackomdj

He has said he won't drink (& I guess won't do other stuff), you have said you will stay 3 months. Personally I think you can leave as soon as he does something that he has said he won't do!

I was in an abusive marriage (not physical but mentally abusive) & OH left me, he came back & left again. At this point I said to myself do I want this life for the rest of my life or do I deserve better...the next time he tried to come back I said no. I then had a year & a half of him calling at all hours either drunk & saying he loved me or drunk & calling me all the names under the sun. It finally stopped when my new partner answered the phone in the middle of the night...no more calls after that.

I have been happy with my new partener for 12 years & I think I appreciate him so much more because of what I went through.

By telling you what happened to me I hope to help!
Nicky

MrsE_2

I think possessive men who harrass their ladies are just cowards. They are annoyed & so pick the soft target.

My DH used to be an idiot like that, but he didn't have a go at me if a man looked at me, he had a go at the bloke (still a muppet mind).

Anyway, he did grow out of that, after a few years. He was insecure & stupid when he was young.

jinky67

I think, even given his problems, you agreed 3 months and you should give him the benefit of those 3 months.

If after that time nothing has changed, at least you gave it your best shot.

justdontknowanymore

thankyou all so much for taking the time to reply, just getting this allout of my head has made me feel loads better. Its funny i never really thought of him as an alcoholic, but he actually is. I know them well, I grew up with one as a parent and my previous parter had issues with drugs and alcohol. maybe if this all finishes I should be banned from relationships in the future!!
I really do wish I had never agreed to the three months, but as has been said I did indeed agree so should stick by my promise. It would also take a while to decide where I would live if the relationship ended, we relocated to spain 2 years ago and dont think I would want to stay here as a single parent.
I truly appreciate you all taking the time to reply, it means so much to have some support

Taye

3 months is not that long, give him that and see how it go's.

should things not get better then that 3 months with also give you time to plan and generally prepare for if you need to leave.

angelpye

Hi, big hugs sending to you. In my opinion you have to do what is right for you and the children. 3 months may not sound alot to others on here but it could be hell for you and you are at risk of it getting worse.
Statisitics and research is clear about domestic abuse and although I don't want to scare you - I strongly advise that you seek support from a local Women's Aid or Refuge organisation around safety. They will support you whatever decision you make and help you plan your safety. It's a fact that women are in more danger at the point of leaving and I suspect you know that, women often feel fear around leaving.
Also children are effected by domestic abuse (violent or not) even if they only hear it through the wall when you think they may be sleeping.
As for changing - there are perpetrator programmes for men who abuse their partners and these work on the knowledge that change takes at least six months to become adapted behaviour and that his behaviour is likely to get worse as he is challenged for what he has done. Couple counselling isn't recommended in most cases of domestic abuse.
Have you thought about living seperately while he seeks help and prooves he has changed?
Whatever you decide I think you need to seriously think about where the line is...what will you do next time he becomes abusive and how abusive does he need to be? I know this is a very difficult time for you - especially if he makes threats to commit suicide - but you have to prioritise yours and your childs safety. Making threats to kill (drunk or not) is very serious in my view and shouldn't be treated lightly. Seek some professional support, you are not alone in this. 1 in 4 women in the country experience domestic abuse in their lifetime. Many leave and live fab lives!:D

You may not feel you are experiencing domestic abuse but that is what it sounds like to me. If you are unsure they can help you explore if it is or isn't too. I have only expressed my personal opinion here and offer no professional advice as I don't know anymore about your situation than what is in this thread. Take care x