how do you know when to call

justdontknowanymore

it a day with marriage?
I post here regularly but obviously this is quite personal and really need some help before i go totally crazy.
I've been married 6 years, we have a child together and Ihave 2 from a previous relationship.
My husband is ok most of the time but when hes drunk he is vile, he starts fights with any man that looks at me and gets verbally abusive to me. yes he does also get drunk quite often. Even when sober he is incredibly jealous and hates me going anywhere without him, he will moan and be nasty for days if I have a night out with friends, so I very rarely go anywhere. He has accused me several times of sleeping with other men, which I haven't, I've really never even considered it.
We had a big argument and everything at least is now out in the open. He has said that he won't drink anymore. I've promised to wait for 3 months before making any decisions, and he has promised to make permanent changes during this time.
The problem is that I don't think 3 months or any changes he makes can change how I feel. So, the big question is, do I wait for 3 months and see what happens ?or should I just pack my bags and go??
What would you do???

its now may 11th ad have posted this further down, but wanted to add it here so nobody misses it. If this helps just one person the I will be so happy. It is every persons right to feel happy and safe in their own home.be strong even when you have no strength, feel love whe you feel unloved, be happy xx


just thought I would give all you wonderful guys an update. Its amazing that even on an anonymous forum I was to embarrassed to admit that although he never hit me , he did drag me around the house, bash my head of walls and rape me, sometimes anally, on several occassions. I think that I just could not accept that it did really happen over the last year, we had been really quite happy for so long before, but if I'm completely honest the signs were there from the start.
Anyhow, I managed to tell a friend. I managed to tell my husband that I was not able to take this anymore. He has now gone back to england. I am left so sort out all the mess here, arrange to get my stuff back to uk, but my god its worth it!!
I'm so happy, I slept without fear last night. I can chose my own clothes and do my hair how I want to today. I can leave the breakfast bowls in the sink until I get home from work(although I probably wont, just nice to know I can, lol)
I am a human being with feelings, emotions and at last self respect.
Thankyou all so much for taking the time to read and reply, and maybe for seeing through to the truth. much love xx

onetomany

oh only you can decied thant tho i suggest you give womens aid a ring thery are great in thease sistuations,

allIcouldwishfor

As you have discussed it and agreed to the three month thing, I think it's only decent to be true to your promise and see that through. Once he starts making the changes he's agreed to, you might find it easier to focus on the things you first found attractive in him and your feelings towards him could return. Has the jealousy thing always been the case or has he changed? Are you going to have couples counselling to help you both through this?

Hectors_House

As long as he hasn't been physically violent I'd stay for the 3 months but just for the sake of your child.

If he turns himself around in that time you can still leave if you haven't managed to rediscover the man you fell in love with.

People do fall out of love so don't feel bad about that. He's lucky you've put up with his behaviour as long as you have TBH.

However, if he makes no attempt to change, keeps drinking and being abusive I'd consider the agreement broken and leave.

Good luck and stay strong.

MrsE_2

People can & do change.

My DH was very possesive when he was younger, tried to tell me what to wear & often tried to pick fights with men he thought looked at me.

I battled him all the way, but stuck in there because I loved him.

Hes finally grown up (happened after a few years) & wouldn't dream of carrying on like that now with me.

The drinking is a seperate issue, but it makes behaviour more extreme.

justdontknowanymore

you guys are amazing xx
I know I really just have to wait and see what happens, but I feel like I'm just waiting to take a load more abuse.
It would be so much easier to go, he doesn't help with kids or house, he doesn't often work so I know I can afford to keep myself and the kids with what I earn. we only rent the house we are in, but I don't think he could afford to live here on his own. the main reason i havent already gone is because i am worried about him harming himself or just not having enough money to live on.

fergual2

Couples counselling as mentioned above might just give you a lifeline here. If he genuinely wants to make changes and save the marriage then he will agree to it. Good luck whatever the outcome - big hugs

justdontknowanymore

and because he has threateed to kill me if I leave but I really think that was just a stupid drunke threat so would be worryig about nothing

Hectors_House

justdontknowanymore wrote: »

and because he has threateed to kill me if I leave but I really think that was just a stupid drunke threat so would be worryig about nothing

As another poster mentioned above excessive alcohol changes the way people behave.

If, however, he managed to curb the drinking but still makes threats like that you are better off rid.

Unfortunately he is a midst of a very negative way of behaving and worryiong that he will harm himself if you leave is not a good enough reason IMO for you and your child to stay. He could equally threaten to harm himself if you refuse to comply with the next demand from him, be it that you stop seeing your friends for a night out for instance. He is responsible for that negative behaviour and maybe being kicked into the kerb might be the wake-up call he needs.

Maybe couple counceling might be worth it? Especially if he reins himself in with the drinking. I've seen male friends who aren't aware of how damaging their demands are to their relationships and don't put the pieces together and realise their drinking is fueling their unreasonable behaviour.

Even if you still split up, at least some counselling might help him to realise why the relationship has broken down and accept it is over.

Good liuck with whatever action you decide on.

Primrose

You agreed to the three months timescale so I think you should try and stick to it unless your husband becomes physically violent. However, as somebody who has had a lot of personal experience dealing with an alcoholic family member I would advise on not allowing yourself to be emotionally blackmailed by your concern that your husband might self-harm or not have enough money to live on. An alcoholic has a different financial priority to everybody else. As long as they can get their daily alcohol fix, other bills can go hang! But that is his responsibility, not yours. He's an adult and you should stop mothering him. You already have real children to look after. However, if your husband is genuinely serious about stopping his drinking he should be signing up with Alcoholic Anonymous and getting some support. It will be very difficult for him to do this on his own and without this he is very likely to lapse at the first sign of stress or another argument. I would use this 3 months 'probation' to carefully review your options and plans. If you really feel that you should leave so that you and the children canl have a better life without the complication of an alcoholic (and people, despite their promises, rarely change) you need to have an action plan in your mind, some money set aside for a rental deposit elsewhere and an idea of where you will live so that the childrens' schooling will preferably not be disrupted. Start doing your research now. If your husband genuinely changes, it will not be necessary. If he doesn't you will be better psychologically prepared to make the move. Just remember - alcoholics rarely change so don't allow your childrens' lives to be blighted by your husband's behaviour. He must take responsibility for his own actions.

hippychick1

Hi there

I have the same problems with my husband. See this thread http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=1188521 Things have got worse over the last couple of years, and I am finally picking up the keys to my own place tomorrow morning. We have three children, and have agreed to separate for 6 months, and see what changes he will make in that time.

To be honest, I think not a lot will change. I think in 6 months time I will be better off staying on my own with the children. He has seen a doctor about his drinking, two weeks ago, and he is being referred for alcohol counselling. I don't honestly think he has ever grown up, and I am sick of acting like his mum, I have three children already and I don't need another one, ta very much!!!

I know how you feel about not wanting to stick it out for three months. I think you know deep down that it is not what you want anymore, so just want to go. I have felt like that for a long long time. I wish I had left sooner. Perhaps counselling will work for you? We went to Relate last year, and everything was fantastic for a couple of months, till his drinking and spending money got out of control again. This is when I had just had enough.

Take care

HC