Another "use the child as a weapon" Thread

Claire_xx

Geordie_Aaron wrote: »

Hello All - been a while since i was on this site.. anyway my matter of concern... i'll give a brief outline to my situation and what not and you let me know YOUR opinion of what what/might/will happen next...

Ok me and the Ex split up 2 years ago - we're both 24 now and we have a 3 year old beautiful son. for the last 3 years i've been paying my way as per CSA dicated - i (the father incase you hadn't realised) have been to the CSA TWICE to sort it all out so everything was done properly and through the books and TWICE she (the ex) has cancelled that arrangement wanting 'to be paid in private' at first i was giving her cash but then got sick of this so told her it would be bank transfer or nothing.... so she reluctantly agreed to this - now when we split i was living in my fathers one bed flat and i was on the setee for a year so OBVIOUSLY i wasn't going to have my one year old son sleeping in the same conditions so i told the CSA i didn't have him to stay over but DID have him during days... now.
i got my own place sorted and started having him 2 nights aweek (she wouldn't allow me anymore, nor would she allow two days/nights to run together - always seperate) but i carried on paying the money asif i was still at my dads flat........ then the other month i decided to do a calculation on the csa website.... and instead of £140 i was paying i should only be paying 80 (with him staying over two nights) so i reduced payment to her to £100....she denied me access IMMEDIATLY i didn't even see him good friday/easter monday (i did on sunday for a WHOAPPING 2 hours)....and she contacted the CSA.
((((((((((((go make a cuper)))))))))))
so.....CSA got in touch and said i should pay THEM (as i originall wanted to) the previous agreement set by them until the case was reviewed (£35 per week) so i have done on Friday - and the Ex STILL isn't allowing me to see my child....
i've contacted CSA and they said that they can't get involved its a legal matter - fair do's. BUT now its going to be put down that i'm not having him atall (which i'm not) but i'm going to be paying more because SHE wont allow me to have him - which is ridiculous i'd LOVE to have him 2/3/4/5/6/7 days a week i really would. i've contacted works solicitors and waiting for an appointment with them - quick read through the wonder that is google has led me to the 'c100' for from HMC..... but to add a twist - we have been communicating via text message to which i've kept my cool, but she....has not

the above is just one example which is saved on my 02 bluebook account, my phone, sim card and backed up on the laptop (mother always said you can't be too safe)
now i'm sure the solicitors will have a field day with such texts..... but its not neccessary - i'm paying what im meant to be FROM THE CSA-HORSES mouth and i'm in noway a danger to my son - so what right does she have to not allow him to see his father??

ps as of late shes been turning round saying 'he doesn't want to see you anyway an when i speak to him on the phone he comes out with that straight away...but when we're alone he's FINE and doesn't want to go home and just wants to cuddle up with me (or fight and throw paints at me lol)

Now i'm not stupid/ignorant - of course there is two sides to every story and i'm by no means saying this is the gospel truth and nothing else matters in the world. it'd be stupid to even think it. but based on MY side - what do you think?
In the passed month (since i dropped the payment) i've seen him for.....*checks new diary*.... 9hours in a MONTH!!!! i have been polite through out for fear of being twisted in court or what not and done everything by the books........MEH.... help.

Your Ex is bitter and in the end your son wont thank her for harn=ming his relationship with you!! No matter what the two of you think of each other theres a little man stuck in the middle!! Shes out of order

beaniebabe

DigitalJedi wrote: »

Cafcass are court appointed. You can't just approach them. They are about as useful as a chocolate teapot and their main purpose seems to be preserve the status quo....which in OP's case is not seeing his son.

His two days a week won't be grounds for him to ask for shared parental responsibility. His solicitor will probably just apply for contact. OP should ask his solicitor to explain the difference but given his current circumstances I don't rate his chances of getting shared PR.

CAFCASS are not necassarily court appointed but if OP is going to take this matter to court then it would be in the best interest of the child for their wishes and feelings to be heard (depending on childs age) and the court would look upon this favourably if OP was to suggest CAFCASS become involved. It is your opinion that they are as much use as a chocolate teapot, however you can not let your experiences cloud other peoples decisions. I always believe in giving constructive advice.

In reponse to the parental responsibility. OP will automatically have shared PR if he is named on the birth certificate.
A contact order can be granted to either parent in court if this is in the best interest of the child.
I agree OP should seek legal advice on this matter and would suggest he work in partnership with agencies in order to have contact with his son.;)

beaniebabe

jenner wrote: »

what you have said above is factually incorrect. the assessment will decide what is in the childs best interests, if that is the status quo (unlikely in this case) then they recommend that. i have only once recommended the status quo personally.

also you make reference to 'shared parental responsibility', I assume you mean shared residence??

any parent can ask for shared residence. shared residence does not necessarily mean that the time the child spends with each parent is exactly equal, it just means that both parents have residence of the child, rather than one having residence and the other having contact.

if you meant parental responsibility, as the child is 3, if dad is on the birth cert then he already has PR which means that he has an equal say in what that child does, medications, schooling etc.

to the OP, yes you need to complete c100, you can do this without a solicitor if you are strapped for money, the case appears (based on your information) straight forward. there is no reason and no excuse for basing contact on the maintenance payments, the courts will not be happy that mother has done this. by the sounds of it, mother will be saying to court, 'i didnt stop contct because of the money, its because X said he didnt want to/like seeing his dad anymore, im concerned my son is unhappy/at risk'

you could ask the court to ask CAFCASS to observe a contact between you and your son to show the relationship, he is too young for them to do what is called a 'wishes and feelings report' where they just interview the child, but they can observe you with him to show that he really does enjoy contact.
you can ask court for whatever you like, residence, shared residence, contact etc, but the court will make a decision based on what is in the child's best interests (either recommended by CAFCASS if the court appoints them) or by consent between you and your ex.

Thanks Jenner, Your advice is "SPOT ON" I didn't read the age bit and so was unsure what age the child was. Very construvtive advice.

zztopgirl

Geordie_Aaron wrote: »

ok - this is goin' to be my 'offshot diary to vent if you will lol.

well today i had a call from works solicitor - appointment for next wednesday is made - getting 1hour consultation free but in this discuss the fees ETC ETC (already feel like crying - cancelled the savings for the holiday already :-( )



well she must be getting nervous now and is back stepping from calling my bluff.... got 4 texts within an hour whilst working in a prison (obviously no phones aloowed) basicly saying if i want to sort it to ring before tonight or she wants no more contact from me atall.... i ignored all texts as this has happened before, and at 5pm she rang me askin what was happening *hits record onmobile* explained only facts and that i would only contact 'her' to speak with my son and NOT her. she said i'm not to bother ETC so i hung up for fear of her using the 'he's harrasing me' route as shes threatened previously....

so probably an update on Wednesday night then. as for those that have replied so far - i thank you for support and facts....

Just to wish you good luck, am speaking from the other side of the fence, i actually tell people that they must expect me to be the vindictive b**** ex-wife stopping contact but nothing could be futher from the truth, i rang/texted/sent countless emails asking my ex to see his dd but he just preferred to go down the court route which is causing so much upset for us. Its actually making me ill and am currently unable to attend any court hearings/lawyers appointments/etc.

Just this week he has been harrassing me via texts yet again, he never contacts dd's school, let alone attending parents evening, etc. I dont see a penny of maintenance as he is on benefits, he left me in massive debt but thats not the issue whatsoever, the only problem is for him and dd having a meaningful relationship with each other and for him to stop using her as a weapon against me. Cafcass have copies of the emails i sent him and have recommended for it to proceed to a full main hearing so the judge can decide.

Try explaining why her dad hasnt bothered to turn up to contact, just because he couldnt be bothered? Same as he couldnt be bothered to make an effort to see her before he launched court proceedings but has no problem dragging me and dd through the legal process as it wont cost him a penny.

Geordie_Aaron

Ok bad things out the way first - i got made redundant today.......on the day i go to see the solicitor. great.

better things - had first consultation and she seems very eager to get on with the case instructing me to send a recorded letter to MAM and CSA stating what i would like RE: contact and what my intentions are - to follow this she is also writing to MAM to back this up but also put down her own words and also applied for legal aid (now that i'm redundant) and mediation so everything is in her court now......... time will tell.