Another "use the child as a weapon" Thread

Mini_Bear

My boyfriend was in this situation 4yrs ago with his son and ex wife.
He kept a note book of all the times he had his son, as well as anything that was said between his ex and himself, verbal and via txts.
wen push came to shove the ex realised she wanted sum "me time" so lets him have his son a couple days a week.
As boyfs son is gettin older he begs us to stay at ours more which the ex wife is not allowing (because csa payments drop dramatically).
However as son becomes more difficult for the ex wife to control (becuz we hav a better home life) and he is getting bigger if he does stay at ours we will keep a journal and may even take photographic evidence to show to the csa.
Its a horrible thing making the child a pawn in the broken relationship.
By just being the better parents, spending time and making an effort - and above all setting a good example by working, your child will naturally realise who they want to live with.
Good luck OP - i hope your situation improves

Geordie_Aaron

Mini_Bear wrote: »

By just being the better parents, spending time and making an effort - and above all setting a good example by working, your child will naturally realise who they want to live with.
Good luck OP - i hope your situation improves

lol this is what i've been doing - not trying to 'buy' my son- but we always go out for a meal or to the fair/beach/bowling when i'm with him i'd DIE if he meant what he said but i know he's young and doesn't fully understand what he's saying...... at the moment i believe he's a puppet as she has all the time in the world to 'influence' him or put words into his mouth...but in the long run (my hoping) that he'll want to do what you've said above and beg to come to mine :-)

traveller

I really feel for you as despite what's gone on between the two of you, you clear;y love your son.My ex probably has our kids no more than 4 times a year maximum and pays a pittance, but i would never deny access.It's not any parents right to do that:mad: I really hope she realises what she's doing by forcing your son to say those things-or she'll be hearing those words aimed at her before too long.I wish you all the best.

swiss69

Some women are just evil when things dont go there way! Did you leave her by any chance? Many women are quite happy splitting up as long as its their decision and not yours!

Stick at it and always keep fighting

Geordie_Aaron

swiss69 wrote: »

Some women are just evil when things dont go there way! Did you leave her by any chance? Many women are quite happy splitting up as long as its their decision and not yours!

Stick at it and always keep fighting

i left......when she cheated.

so just waiting for the solicitor now

CRANKY40

Krystaltips wrote: »

If she's not working then she's really shooting herself in the foot going to the CSA... She will only be allowed to keep £20 of the money you give her on top of (I'm assuming) her income support... This is probably why she was wanting to keep it as a private arrangement previously... So she didn't declare it...

The CSA will pay it all to her anyway. It's up to her to declare it. It's just that if Income Support catch up with her not declaring it, they can ask the CSA for a list of payments that she's had.

beaniebabe

c_l_a_i_r_e wrote: »

You need to get a contact order in place and that way everyone knows where they stand and you and your son won't have the uncertainty any more. The court will concern itself with the best interests of your child and nothing more.

I would suggest you contact CAFCAS. This is an organisation which helps with such disputes and will be able to work with the child in order to get their wishes and feelings (dependant on age of child).
They will also be able to offer advice on a contact order.(I would advise you get such an order at some stage)
I wouldn't worry too much. If you have shared parental responsibility and there is no legal and significant reason for you not to have contact with your child, then this can be sorted in the best interest of the child.

DigitalJedi

Hi mate

Sorry to hear of your situation but unfortunately all too common. If you'd have asked here for advice before you dropped the CSA payments I'd have probably asked you if the £80 a month is worth the risk of not seeing your son.

Basically the situation now you are in pretty dire straits. Firstly don't assume your solicitor knows his !!!! from his elbow. He is not on your side, he is on his. His sole purpose is to make as much money from this as possible.

Secondly peversley the longer you are denied access to your son, the stronger her case gets. You need to push this to mediation/court asap.

From now on, get yourself a small tape recorder and record all interactions with ex. (Its perfectly legal). Also keep a diary of what is said.

Ideally you want her to admit somehow that she is only denying you access because of the cash.

If she wants, this can be a long and drawn out process. Don't even assume that once you've been to court that it will be the end of it. The resident parent can pretty much ignore them with little comeback.

If you PM me, I can send you a link to a site which can give you some real practical advice but only from the back of some soul destroying experiences.

Someone once said to me, if you want to win you will have to be willing to jump in the gutter and fight like your life depends upon it. I thought I could be reasonable and that logic/reasoning would prevail. I was wrong.

DigitalJedi

beaniebabe wrote: »

I would suggest you contact CAFCAS. This is an organisation which helps with such disputes and will be able to work with the child in order to get their wishes and feelings (dependant on age of child).
They will also be able to offer advice on a contact order.(I would advise you get such an order at some stage)
I wouldn't worry too much. If you have shared parental responsibility and there is no legal and significant reason for you not to have contact with your child, then this can be sorted in the best interest of the child.

Cafcass are court appointed. You can't just approach them. They are about as useful as a chocolate teapot and their main purpose seems to be preserve the status quo....which in OP's case is not seeing his son.

His two days a week won't be grounds for him to ask for shared parental responsibility. His solicitor will probably just apply for contact. OP should ask his solicitor to explain the difference but given his current circumstances I don't rate his chances of getting shared PR.

rosie-marie

I don't have any advice for you other than to say you are describing my brothers life - there are many people in exactly the same boat as you. You are doing exactly the right thing in keeping every bit of communication on record. Even verbal communication and contact can be kept in a diary. You are also right in not ever giving her cash.

I'm sorry you and your child have to go through this :mad:. Not really of any help to you I know.