Another "use the child as a weapon" Thread

Geordie_Aaron

Hello All - been a while since i was on this site.. anyway my matter of concern... i'll give a brief outline to my situation and what not and you let me know YOUR opinion of what what/might/will happen next...

Ok me and the Ex split up 2 years ago - we're both 24 now and we have a 3 year old beautiful son. for the last 3 years i've been paying my way as per CSA dicated - i (the father incase you hadn't realised) have been to the CSA TWICE to sort it all out so everything was done properly and through the books and TWICE she (the ex) has cancelled that arrangement wanting 'to be paid in private' at first i was giving her cash but then got sick of this so told her it would be bank transfer or nothing.... so she reluctantly agreed to this - now when we split i was living in my fathers one bed flat and i was on the setee for a year so OBVIOUSLY i wasn't going to have my one year old son sleeping in the same conditions so i told the CSA i didn't have him to stay over but DID have him during days... now.
i got my own place sorted and started having him 2 nights aweek (she wouldn't allow me anymore, nor would she allow two days/nights to run together - always seperate) but i carried on paying the money asif i was still at my dads flat........ then the other month i decided to do a calculation on the csa website.... and instead of £140 i was paying i should only be paying 80 (with him staying over two nights) so i reduced payment to her to £100....she denied me access IMMEDIATLY i didn't even see him good friday/easter monday (i did on sunday for a WHOAPPING 2 hours)....and she contacted the CSA.
((((((((((((go make a cuper)))))))))))
so.....CSA got in touch and said i should pay THEM (as i originall wanted to) the previous agreement set by them until the case was reviewed (£35 per week) so i have done on Friday - and the Ex STILL isn't allowing me to see my child....
i've contacted CSA and they said that they can't get involved its a legal matter - fair do's. BUT now its going to be put down that i'm not having him atall (which i'm not) but i'm going to be paying more because SHE wont allow me to have him - which is ridiculous i'd LOVE to have him 2/3/4/5/6/7 days a week i really would. i've contacted works solicitors and waiting for an appointment with them - quick read through the wonder that is google has led me to the 'c100' for from HMC..... but to add a twist - we have been communicating via text message to which i've kept my cool, but she....has not

The_Ex wrote:

If ur guna make this hard then im guna make it 10times harder, u dont know where our new house is and technically still havnt been paid what ur supposed to be paying so F***ing get stuffed

the above is just one example which is saved on my 02 bluebook account, my phone, sim card and backed up on the laptop (mother always said you can't be too safe)
now i'm sure the solicitors will have a field day with such texts..... but its not neccessary - i'm paying what im meant to be FROM THE CSA-HORSES mouth and i'm in noway a danger to my son - so what right does she have to not allow him to see his father??

ps as of late shes been turning round saying 'he doesn't want to see you anyway an when i speak to him on the phone he comes out with that straight away...but when we're alone he's FINE and doesn't want to go home and just wants to cuddle up with me (or fight and throw paints at me lol)

Now i'm not stupid/ignorant - of course there is two sides to every story and i'm by no means saying this is the gospel truth and nothing else matters in the world. it'd be stupid to even think it. but based on MY side - what do you think?
In the passed month (since i dropped the payment) i've seen him for.....*checks new diary*.... 9hours in a MONTH!!!! i have been polite through out for fear of being twisted in court or what not and done everything by the books........MEH.... help.

Geordie_Aaron

pps; she doesn't work - i work contracted 40 hours - sometimes more

Silverbird

Sorry I have no advice at all, as it's not something I know anything about and I feel awful for you and the poor child involved.

However, I will say that based on what you've said ...

your ex is one evil b1tch

jack*tigger

Hang on in there. I know its hard... actually I don't 'cos I've never been through your situation .. but I imagine its the total pits.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things...working good hours, getting your own place so you can have your boy to stay, keeping calm in the face of it all. So that's good.

Is there a someone your ex would listen to and would listen to you too. Maybe they could mediate between you informally and try to get this sorted out.

When you talk to a solicitor they would possibly recommend professional mediation anyway.

All you can do is keep your calm and go with what your solicitor says. In the meantime you might want to check out Fathers For Justice. I know they get a bad press from some of their more radical stuff but they were set up to support guys going through your kind of situation.

Good luck - hope it all works out.

c_l_a_i_r_e

You need to get a contact order in place and that way everyone knows where they stand and you and your son won't have the uncertainty any more. The court will concern itself with the best interests of your child and nothing more.

NAR

Claire is quite correct, but check out the legal costs of getting this put in place, so you are sure you can afford it.
Using your child as a pawn in negotiations is the pits. :mad:

LilDevil

*wonders if she's related to my OH's ex*

Krystaltips

If she's not working then she's really shooting herself in the foot going to the CSA... She will only be allowed to keep £20 of the money you give her on top of (I'm assuming) her income support... This is probably why she was wanting to keep it as a private arrangement previously... So she didn't declare it...

wen1

The only way you can get help for contact with your child is seek contact order,more money, but it will be set stone. And she will have to do what the court say if you get contact.

Geordie_Aaron

is this the c100 form i've been looking at???

could i say tot he judge something like
"i would PREFER abc 123"
but he may only give me ab 3???

or does HE/SHE decide how often i see my child? the way we had it previously was perfect...

i'd pick him from Nursery on a Monday (had an agreement with work that i didn't work passed 4pm on mondays) he'd sleep at mine then i'd drop him off at his mams at 8am the tuesday, then i'd pick him up friday night, have him all fri night, all saturday day then drop him off around 5pm on saturday, that to me is perfect as i get to bath him and put him to bed ETC and wake up on the morning and do his breakfast/get him ready ETC then have a full day on my day off with him.

c_l_a_i_r_e

The c100 is the application form for contact.

Yes you can state in your application that contact arrangement x had been successfully going on until whatever date your ex stopped giving you access. There was no good reason for your ex to cease contact and you do not believe she was acting in the best interests of your child. State that all parties were settled into that routine, that it was working well and that you wish that contact arrangement to resume. Add in the arrangement you made with your work on a monday, it shows your level of commitment to your son. The court will encourage you both to reach an amicable agreement about contact and then they will approve it if they see fit. If you can't agree the court will decide based on what is in the childs best interest. As you had a successful arrangement in place it is likely that is what will be ordered unless there are any new circumstances that need taken into account