Will my child forget me?

keys_2

It is very obvious that you are a good caring mum, otherwise you would not have posted on here in the first place. Everyone comes from different backgrounds with working parents and non working parents so you will get different opinions from those children that have now grown up.
I personally grew up with my grandparents looking after me most of my life and it has done me no harm, even thow my mum didnt always work yet my grandparents did so i do have mixed views myself on the good and bad ponts.

When i had my daughter i was a single mother (father has never bothered since the day i was pregnant) and didnt really have a choice not to work as i had recently changed jobs so i could work daytime hours. This making me not eligable for maternity leave or any benefits. I worked until the day i had her then returned to work 4 weeks later still full time .
At first some friends and a couple of family members babysat for me ,which i did find difficult adapting to being a mum / leaving her / travelling / money / housing etc etc..I then had no babysitters was living in a house miles away from everyone i knew and decided to find her a nursery placement for my own peace of mind and ease.

DD then began a very good nursery at 4 months old which i really did look around and make sure i found one that was recommended and i felt comfortable with. It was rather daunting for me to leave her with strangers at the begining but communicating well with the nursery did really ease my worries and after a couple of weeks DD settled in extremely well ,she always got excited when i picked her up and always remembered me , yet also she never seemed phased when i was dropping her off there in the mornings. So within time the constant worry i had at the begining of missing her became easier to live with and i started to believe i was doing the right thing by both of us. And with my wages i paid for us to move closer to work / family and friends which i feel DD benefits from too.
She continued to attend nursery up until 6 months ago when i became unemployed due to my working hours becomming longer where i could not find someone to look after her the extra 1/2 hr after the nursery closed when i was in work .

I took this time to fufill all the time with DD and do all the things i always wanted and did do with her on my days off , once i had all the spare time . I have enjoyed every moment of it until very recently as i find without the wages i have no money to treat her or continue with special day trips , also i have got into a lot of debt where i cannot afford to pay back .
So in my opinion i belive if you need to earn money your child will benefit from this ,in many ways as will yourself for having time out and you will also appriciate this when the little one grows up as you will still have a career for yourself.
My daughter truely enjoyed attending nursery as she met many friends her age group and learnt simple things like sharing with others. I also found it a big help when potty training her as she learnt from other children there too.
At the moment i am desperately looking for a job to fit in with her attending nursery again .And which will also make me happy and some time for myself, which can only be a positive for dd too.
DD has recently turned 3 yrs old now , and keeps asking when she can go back there so it obviously has done her no damage as she misses it , even thow i take her to all mother and tots groups, parks , days out and i am always interacting with her at home and teaching her to read /cook /paint etc,etc.

So speaking from experience if you are working which benefits the family then i think you have made the correct decision for all of you . So please try not to be harsh on yourself as previous posts have said it is you who feels guilty when it is probably not needed.
Thumbs up for you breast feeding ...i had / have no boobs to do it ..!!!lol

Sorry for the long post !

3onitsway

I can't imagine how hard it is for you to leave an 8 week old baby. Mine is 10 weeks and i'm already dreading going back to work in November when she's 9+ months old!!

When I had DS, 11 years ago, i went back to work, full time, when he was 4 months old. I absolutely hated it, and was full of mothers guilt - but he's a normal, well adjusted boy now and he's always known who is mum is. The worst part, looking back, was that the childminder was the one to see the first steps, first words etc.

When I had DD1, 8 years ago, I worked evenings, 4 nights a week 5 til 10.30. It fitted in with OH's working hours - he came in from work, and I left for work. It was great being able to spend days with DD, not have to pay for childcare - but it was not good for mine and OH's relationship!

Just a thought! You say you work 3 days, 9 til 4, so 21 hours a week in total. You don't say what you do, but would doing your work of an evening be an option, maybe 4 hours a night?

ailuro2

No, she won't forget you, but not having many family close by it will be nice to have someone else she can have as a primary carer. That's all babies need in addition to the milk/nappy/winded/sleep thing. A few people who will hug them and talk to them, if there are too many then baby gets confused, but three or four main carers is apparently fine for babies, she won't get confused, and having a childminder socialises them well, so they grow up surrounded by other kids too.

I went back to work when DD was 13 weeks old, only got 3 months off way bach 10 years ago without losing horrendous amounts of money, most peeople saw it as the norm, so didn't question it.

It was tough, but in a way it was a good thing, I do enjoy working, and was never one of the mums who met up for coffee with each other twice a week, so didn't really have a social life set up round baby like some ppl did. In hindsight I'd have gone (more) nuts if I'd had much longer off.IT really helped get my PND under control, the routine of getting ready and working and having everything organised really helped.

mummy_Jay

As a single mum who did not recieve SMP (as I had not been with the company long enough at that point) I too had to return to work when my son was a about 3 months. I luckily had a company that agreed to let me gradually build up to full time over a month.

It's hard and I really undertand the guilty you put yourself through because of it but like me it is a necessary evil so you can provide for your family. Look on the positive side, by being able to go to work, you get to put your head back into being you, rather than just mum. This in itself is good for you and you have to understand whats good for mum is good for baby. Here's the hard bit baby's are really sensitive to mum's emotions, so you have to try to let the guilt go.

You will appreaciate you time with baby more and will make more of it, you will also probably bring more routines in early which is a good thing. So don't worry baby will know mummy and probably link mummy with having fun too.

I used a childminder but what you end up with is having someone with lots of experience of babies and children there to help you. They can tell you things you may not be sure of (i.e. when its a teething nappy not a tummy problem) and advise you on things all the better because they will know your child. My childminder was brilliant, as she use to write a daily diary for me not just when he ate or pooped but what he did, so I never felt like I missed out on anything, it may be worth asking if it would be possible, if they don't do something like that already its a great comfort to those emotions.

My son is at school now, he has brilliant social skills from being with a childminder (as he is use to being around children of all ages) and great confidence. I can not speak for nurseries but as for childminders, a good one is a blessing and a huge advantage for both mother and child, in these formative years and you should not feel guilty for having to do this.

claireac

I work and am mum to my almost 3yr old daughter. She's been with child minder since she was 5 months and I went back to work 3 days a week, then 4 months later I had to start doing 4 days a week.

She's fine! A happy, well adjusted, intelligent, chatty toddler. Prone to tantrums - and all the normal stuff!! We have "mummy days" (my day off), "Audrey days" (childminder) and "mummy & daddy days" (weekends). She's very happy with this!

I try to make the "mummy days" about us, even if I have to do some shopping we make it fun and buy her something or have lunch whilst we're out. Things like that!!

Your little baby is your little baby, no one can replace your, your mummy.

I'd love to say don't feel guilty, but I do and I know L is happy!!!

barnaby-bear

woody01 wrote: »

How?
Its not good for a very small baby to spend most the day away from its mother (or father).

I cant understand why anyone would have a baby then palm it off on someone else to look after every day? If work doesnt allow family then one or the other will suffer because of it.

The concept of a child being soley cared for and getting the undivided attention of a parent has hardly ever been a feature of most societies or cultures. Before or where there aren't domestic appliances/one stop supermarkets etc and wide spread contraception - a huge amount of work had/has to be done just to stay alive and everyone fed. Victorian families had the babies looked after to varying competences by 5 year old siblings/the old crow next door. Hunter/gather tribes palm the kids off on the weak/old/unable to work while the able bodied parents seek out the food/water etc. Societies/communities/extended families have always taken a large role in raising a child because the fertile breaders are also the most likely to be able to work. Paying a childminder is just a remodelling of what has always happened.

Being exposed to the average experiences of society helps people fit in - I know someone who is very well off and insisted on being a stay at home mum as it was terrible to palm off her baby. After a year all her baby group friends were back at work at least part time - and the play dates dried up, partly her snobbery I suspect at them working but also because their kids went to the same nurseries and arranging tea or play after just happened naturally.... her kids started his posh prep-school this year and is 'the problem child' he isn't used to not being with his mum and isn't as well socialised as the other kids and friendships have been long established through the nursery network. For him to be allowed to stay the school are insisting on him seeing a psychologist as other parents are complaining at his disruptive influence. It's looking like this is going to be a long running issue and integrating into school could take years.

His mother is bored out her mind and can't get back to work part-time in her old career after such a long break and although she doesn't need to work financially is wondering what on earth she will do for the next 20 years.

NAR

ClareEmily wrote: »

And now you are being critical about mine, even though the post I was referring to wasn't even yours :rolleyes:

You really are a sad person when you can't admit to being wrong!
Live long and happy in ClareEmily World!

paulabear

woody01 wrote: »

I wasnt trying to be nasty.
The fact is, children need their parents around them.

The OP sounds like a nice person, but it probably doesnt help to just agree that she is doing the right thing to make her feel a little better with the guilt.

But that's not what people are doing, they're giving their genuine opinions, otherwise what's the point?
My little boy started going to my mum's for the weekend, every few weeks, when about eight weeks old. It was weird when he came back - he smelled different, and I was sure he'd grown! but I don't think it did him any harm at all, I think it gave him a chance to see other family (and for them to coo over him!) and when my daughter was born she started going too. They both went to nursery at around fourteen months and everyone there has said how confident they are, which I think is from letting them see they are safe with people other than Mama and Papa. I agree with the post about getting advice from your childminder - I used to do this at nursery, just to check little things, and was always grateful for their advice and reassurance that things were normal! :rolleyes2
Good luck with it all.

Magpie.

I had to go back to work part time when my baby was 4 weeks old, she was looked after by my mum.
She definately hasn't forgotten her mum.

It wasn't ideal but in my personal circumstances it was the only option.

lilac_lady

"Quality time" with children is a much used phrase. What does it mean? Giving children attention for a very short space of time?

If you have children your life changes and sacrificies have to be made. The mother is usually the one who worries about doing the right thing so nothing's changed in that respect.