just after a bit of advice am i bein selfish

B2B-2008

I have to do long hours in my job and my DH runs the house at these times of the year. In my job it isn't a choice and certain times of the year you do a minimum of 12 hour days which you can easily make 14. At these times we go into auto pilot but we keep sunday as our day.

If it is something that he has to do in his job I'm sure he isn't doing it for fun and would much rather be at home with his family.

You should talk to him and tell him how you feel but also explain that you don't want to add any extra pressure on him. It isn't fun to be stuck in the office with your other half always asking what time you are leaving/coming home etc.

Mutter_2

danini5. you won't like this, but as you're trying to do whatever business from home, please improve your English language.
Whether you are able to speak other than lapsing into text type, I've no idea. Maybe the evening job does'nt require it?
Your OH is is in a white collar job. Then rise to it.

Mutter_2

omen666 wrote: »

Working long hours does not make someone more productive than someone who works less hours if anything makes them less productive. I work in IT and do not do long hours even though I am a contractor.

Good, you're happy. OP is not. Hence their posting!

prowla

dieselhead wrote: »

Danni5 I agree you really need to sit down and tell your husband that this is unacceptable, especially for your children, who need to see their father as a member of the household during the week just not at weekends. I realise that unpaid overtime is sometimes unavoidable, but your partner has chosen to have a family he cannot just shun family life no job is worth missing seeing your children. I think you need to be painfully honest and frank and tell it as it is

My advice is do not tell him it is "unacceptable", unless you want an argument.
I know the knitting circle here think that their men (those of them that still have them) need to be controlled, told what to do, and given ultimatums.
But they are wrong.
Don't take the advice of these numptys and be "painful and frank" unless you want some of it coming back at you.
(All IMHO, as a man, of course!:rolleyes:)

prowla

Mutter wrote: »

OUCH ! Not nice.
Maybe read my post?

Well, I think that both people in a relationship are equals, but when you have a family and responsibilities you do what you have to do.
There is no master/slave relationship, no need for Stepford Wives, no need to fight for attention, no need to lay down the law, etc.
You just have to accept that life is not a Mills & Boon novel for most of us, and you have to do your bit.

puddy

has he always been a worker like that, before the children came along??

you need to distinguish between whether thats how he is as a worker, or whether it is that particular job.

my dad was a worker like that, i never knew him growing up really, i wont get that time back and im afriad i think that when you have kids, you should put them first in terms of contact and parenting. yes loads of here will say that he is the breadwinner and he's trying his best but i bet he would be able to keep his job if he worked less hours and home life would be more harmonious. i bet there are loads of things you can do as a family to cut down outgoings if he is worried about income (although he's virtually working for free), but harsh though it sounds i think that children come first and people often make excuses about 'providing' when they're talking about status, tvs, expensive cars, kitchens, etc etc (stereotyping a bit)

zoelouise88

i do not think your being selfish at all!

you need to think of your kids, it must be horrible for them waiting up for 'daddy' only for him not to come until they are asleep. it must also be hard for you watching this happen.

i would say sit down with him and tel him things have got to change not just for you but for the kids. i know many men who work all the hours under the sun and would do anything they could to spend time with their children.


without trying to cause any offence, could it be theres a problem in your relationship?

lynzpower

danni5 wrote: »

hi all re registered under different user name because partner knows my user name on here but am just after a bit of advice i will give u a bit of a back ground first. i have 2 children 5 and 2 full time mum trying to earn a bit of money from home to i just need some advice my partner is ment to work 10 till 6 Monday till Friday he has work for this company for 2 years since he has worked there he is only home on time maybe one night a week if we are lucky he is coming in from work at 10 o'clock at night some times later he don't get paid for overtime he also brings his works pc home and does work at the weekends i have try ed to talk to him about this but it ends up in a argument i just don't know what to do any more i am tryin to look after the kids all day put them to bed then i have to start the house work and try and earn a bit of money.

Well just before he told me he was go in to be late tonight an would be having his tea at work i tryed to explain to him if he had told me earlier i would have made his tea then he started kicking off down the phone saying the only reason he is gunner be late tonight is because of me wingin at him all day the only time i spoken to him today was at half past 5 when he said he was going to be late. I just feel like i am always being blamed for every think in the house and everything gets dumped on me. Am i bein selfish wantin him to come home ontime he says i am as his job is important but so are the kids i just dont know what to do

thanks

danni

We dont have kids, but this could have been written by My OH.

I often work late, unpaid, sometimes I dont get home till 8, this week, I got home at 7.30 been out of the house for 12 hours.

I dont get paid more for this- and often bring the laptop home & work at home.

My OH moans about it and I totaly understand that, but the fact of the matter is that this is what my job involves. I am now trying to not work on the laptop in the evenings, this is giving me a world of sh** at work. The factis my day cant be crammed into the 9-5, i need at least 12 hour days to even start to touch it. I know my boss needs to take more people on, but somewhere in all this, he needs to take care of the companys finances.

ONce you are doing this extra work, it is expected, im now being asked at work why i am not doing as much as I was & why things are out of control- my answer is I have started to take a lunch hour- which I have never done in a year- so theres 20 hours a month of work they are no longer getting - and restrict working at home, so this week Ive done no working at home- ( although I did get back late) theres another 6 hours not done, since monday. I estimate in unpaid overtime like this I do the work of another part time member of staff AT LEAST.

The bottom line is - this is the job, under this sort of economic circumstance- rightly or wrongly everyone is worried bout thier jobs, my boss knows that if he got rid of me, he could take someone on 5 grand less as there are people willing to work for a lot less now.

He either needs to restrict what he does, have a word to his boss- saying he will only work say 2 nights at home per week., or look for another job.

Telling him he is selfiash wont work. Im sure he doesnt LOVE working at home, he just feels he has to do that.

MrsTinks

In fairness both I and DH have worked in IT for the last many years and both of us are expected to "work the hours required to carry out our duties" in our contracts. Yes technically I should do 37.5 hours but before I went on leave ready for maternity leave I was easily putting in 50 hours a week - if there was an outage on the network then you could wave goodbye to the weekend too...
DH often leaves for work at 7am (sometimes 5 am if the meeting is far away) and doesn't often come home till after 7pm - then you have the calls that carry on till something is sorted and the phone can go at any point if it's an outage... This is just the nature of our IT jobs sadly...
However I do expect that will change some once the baby arrives - I know DH wants to work more from home (which thankfully he can!) so as not to miss out on seeing his daughter

Try sending the kids away for a weekend and go away just the two of you and talk abotu things - don't be negative or start blaming him etc - he could simply be feeling pressured at work to put in the same hours as everyone else - if he didn't he might be the first on the way out if they needed to get rid of people! Speak to him about it, ask him if he feels pressured, explain that you miss him and try to stay calm all the way through...
If you can't communicate between you then maybe some couples therapy?

skintchick

prowla wrote: »

My advice is do not tell him it is "unacceptable", unless you want an argument.
I know the knitting circle here think that their men (those of them that still have them) need to be controlled, told what to do, and given ultimatums.
But they are wrong.
Don't take the advice of these numptys and be "painful and frank" unless you want some of it coming back at you.
(All IMHO, as a man, of course!:rolleyes:)

It's not about 'controlling', it's about respect for each other. If a husband is spending all his time either at work or working at home then he is not showing respect for the family, HIS family.

I understand times are hard, I understand that some jobs require you to work beyond the 9-5 (I was a journalist for 12 years and that's a job that requires a 24-hour commitment), and I also understand that a lot of men define themselves by their work and therefore see it as much more important than we women do, but that does not excuse a married father spending excessive amounts of time working.

If his children are falling asleep on the sofa waiting for him to come home, and only seeing him at weekends, then the amount of time being spent working is excessive and needs to be cut down.

I love that you don't like honesty in a relationship - I am always frank with my husband and he with me, but that doesn't mean we are being unpleasant to each other!

The difficulty if when one person is behaving in a way that is disrespectful to the other, to the relationship, and to the family, and the OP's partner is NOT respecting his family and their desire to spend time with him - which is hardly such an onerous thing!

The fact that you choose to dismiss the women on here as a 'knitting circle' and 'numptys' says far more about your inadequacies than it does about the female members of MSE.