just after a bit of advice am i bein selfish

ekkygirl

Sounds to me like he is competing or trying to match up with the others in the job who have no children. He would feel bad going off everyday before everyone else so he stays. I don't know what the solution is but don't envy you

emlou2009

it could be that it is in his contract that if he needs to do overtime to complete his work then he has to do that and he has to do it for free, its a small print that is in my OH's contract, luckily he only does 2 hours a day though.

jackomdj

Before having children I worked in a section in my work where it was the norm to work late (I often did 7am till 9pm) & everyone in the section did it.

If it is the norm in his place of work could you talk (not when you are angry about it) & ask if you could try to get just 2 evenings a week where he is home in time to put the children to bed....let him know you would be happy for him to then turn his laptop on & continue working. You never know you may find this works well & you could build it up to 3 evenings. Also you may find that as he is home working it takes less time to do things - less distractions with chatting or being asked to help out on something else or even having to make his own coffee as you could do it.

HTH
Nicky

pinkshoes

danni5 wrote: »

he works in I.T making new systems but he only works for a small company there is 8 of them who work there including the 2 bosses they all do stay late but none of them have kids and there is only one other who actually stays as late as him

This is perhaps the answer. Maybe your OH is passionate about his job, and when it comes to IT, there's always something else that can be tweaked or adjusted, so it's very easy to end up working late.

If everyone else is staying late, and it's a small business, he'll probably feel he should be there too. Perhaps he cares about the survival of this small company, and can see it building to much bigger and better things for him one day i.e. a bigger house for you, him and the kids!?

dieselhead

You know there were a couple of men, and yes it was just the men who would say at work till stupid o' clock, I always used to wonder what their wives and young children made of it. I was happy to stay late but rarely had the need to I would stay if we needed to get work finished for the next day and it was urgent, but that was rare as I felt I managed my time well, even the bosses would put in less time than these couple of guys. They both had young families and I always felt sorry for their children.

Personally I felt that it came about with some sort of notion of trying to prove something, instead they just came across as insensitive as we all privately felt sorry for their wives, and the reality was that if they were struggling with the workload, then had they asked the bosses I'm sure some arrangement could have been made, but they were too arrogant for this.

Danni5 I agree you really need to sit down and tell your husband that this is unacceptable, especially for your children, who need to see their father as a member of the household during the week just not at weekends. I realise that unpaid overtime is sometimes unavoidable, but your partner has chosen to have a family he cannot just shun family life no job is worth missing seeing your children. I think you need to be painfully honest and frank and tell it as it is

flower7

Nobody's jobs are 100% secure, if everyone else in the office works late it will be noticed if he leaves early...
maybe he is worried that he will lose his job and then he will not be able to provide for his family.
Then he gets home and you are nagging at him, he probably just wants to sit and chill and thinks you are being selfish. He is doing his bit and you are not grateful.....

He probably does not realise how you feel and what your take on the situation is, that you are worried and don't want him to work too hard etc.
You need to talk to him when he has had 'chill time' about this and try not to get too stressed yourself. He probably hasn't thought about it from your prospective and I can so see why you feel this way.
You sound like you are overworked and need some TLC but timing to have this talk is everything, don't try to talk to him when either of you are tired.

best of luck and I hope its better soon.

Mutter_2

I don't agree with working for no pay either. There are some jobs though, usually highly competitive ones which demand it. In other words, if you're out of the door on the dot, someone else will get the sale/promotion/client, even your job. having mentioned the PC, I guess it's one of those job types. Not so much a job, more a way of life.

Your 5 yr old will be at school, is the 2 yr old at home all day?
Sounds to me that you could do with developing a life of your own. In that I mean seeing friends, or inviting them round during the day. That not only gives you an interest, but gives you something to talk about when your husband does put in an appearance. In addition, maybe learn a new skill, via your local college, or as you are striving in business from home, there are lots of networking and business help clubs, free too, local to you.

Danni,why are you doing housework and working of an evening when you should be relaxing in a bubble bath, scented up to the hilt and looking forward to OH coming home? You could be doing that and have lots of interesting things to talk about. Housework could be done during the day.

It all sounds a bit 1950'ish when written down. pretty little wife waiting for the breadwinner to arrive. Not meant to, but I bet your OH would appreciate it and therefor your life with him might improve.
It's so easy to get into a rut. I'm in one. If someone asks what I do as work, the answer would be nothing. So who would be interested in carrying the conversation further?
Yes I'm retired and don't need to work to survive. However, I was far more interesing, even to myself when I ran my business. I will resume it when my beloved pet dies. At present I am his slave.
If you need more info on managing housework etc, there is a thread here somewhere (isn't there a thread here for everything?) Fly lady, I think it's called.

So, get those babies to bed with a story, get into the bubbly bath, sod the housework tonight and when Mr Masterful walks in that door, pour him a drink and ask him how his day has been. Do not moan about his hours, you will be totally bored, he will be highly flattered. Don't forget the contraception though! x

Mutter_2

prowla wrote: »

Yes, I do think you are being selfish; perhaps he is doing his best to support you and the family, and all the thanks he gets is grief from you and sneaky messages to the online "men are all pigs" contingent of MSE.

OUCH ! Not nice.
Maybe read my post?

omen666

Working long hours does not make someone more productive than someone who works less hours if anything makes them less productive. I work in IT and do not do long hours even though I am a contractor.

Mutter_2

omen666 wrote: »

He is having an affair with a bird from work blatant

Don't be so silly. Don't you know anyone who actually works? An affair when arriving home at ten each evening?

Poor thing, your "affairs" must have been a miserable affair iff they finished so early. Your bit obviously married then?