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Taking my finger off the self-destruct button
Comments
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Sorry to hear about your dad, please accept my condolences. If you need me to do anything however small please give me a shout.:)0
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Wordsmith,
When you have time to catch up on here I would just like you to know that we are thinking of you after your loss.
When you get back home, if not already, just drop us a word or two to say you are OK.
Hugs
SA2011 - New year, New start, New me[STRIKE]Planning on [/STRIKE] making my dreams a reality0 -
Hi Wordsmith, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad, you're right he will be at peace now, please take time for yourself and look after yourself, any time you wanna have a rant about the unfairness of life please feel free to pm me, it's the least I can do for someone who has brightened my day on more than one occasion.
take care xxxSealed pot challenge - member no:506
£2 savers club - member number: 360 -
Thank you all very, very much for your sympathies and offers of help – all support is truly appreciated.
The service we had for Dad was very simple – as per his wishes. It was non-religious and held in a service room at the undertakers. If we had waited for a chapel at the crematorium we couldn’t have held the service for at least two weeks. As with Mum, we used Dad’s own words that he had written for my sister’s heritage book. She and I chose poems, and music from Dad’s own CD collection. We spent a lot of time on preparing the service in order to get it just right. He was adamant that there were to be no flowers, on the grounds that they would be a complete waste of money. We did, however, have just a small arrangement, which we then took to the nursing home so that other people could enjoy them. He was cremated three days later. My sister, her husband and I, but no one else, went to the crematorium – we laid a couple of roses on the coffin, but there was no other ceremony. All in all, it took about three minutes, but was actually very poignant.
Clearing out his room was difficult. We had done a lot of clearing of their stuff when they moved to the nursing home, and then some more when Mum died and Dad moved to a single room. So it wasn’t difficult in “stuff” difficult, but it was hard emotionally. There were a few things we each wanted to keep, and one or two items we’ll sell, but when we took it back to the house it looked a pitifully small accumulation of 85 years of life and 56 years of marriage. A reminder, I suppose, that possessions mean little and memories are everything.
We advertised one of his wheelchairs on Freecycle, and it had gone within 24 hours. We possibly could have got something for it if we had tried selling it, but it wouldn’t have been much, and Dad would have been so happy that someone would be making use of it. We also gave the nursing home some stuff – his electric bed, his CD player, and CD collection, some books, his computer and printer so that other residents could receive emails, his day clock and a few other items. Most of his clothes and ornaments we didn’t want went to the charity shop. Dad would have been very pleased that others would be using his stuff.
He had no property and little in the bank, so all the sorting out was very easy.
It was a very sad time, made worse by one of his brothers causing us difficulties and refusing to come to the service. This was totally unexpected and It upset my sister and me enormously. Still is. However, my ex-husband’s brother and father attended the service, as did an old boyfriend and his father, favoured friend and another good friend, so I was well supported.
Coming back to Ireland was very, very hard. I didn’t expect it to be so bad, since in the past the difficulty had always been saying goodbye to Dad. Also what I didn’t expect are my feelings of teenage angst about what’s it all for, why am I here? I have never defined myself as “a daughter” – obviously that’s part of what I was, but never the whole, so these feelings of not belonging and having no useful role have taken me by surprise. I think it would probably be different if I had children – they would be my reason for whatever I do. I have had to drag myself out of bed and then drag myself into work and then drag myself through the day, to go home exhausted and start all over again the next day. I am sure this will pass, but it’s an alien emotion that I don’t quite know how to handle right now.
He is gone
You can shed tears that he is gone
Or you can smile because he has lived
You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him
Or you can be full of the love that you shared
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday
You can remember him and only that he is gone
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
David Harkin (1959 - )"Green pastures are before me,
Which yet I have not seen;"
I'd love to be a good example - instead, I am a horrible warning.0 -
What a lovely post Wordsmith.
Please be kind to yourself & take lots of care xI am a Forum Ambassador and I support the Forum Team on Mortgage Free Wannabe & Local Money Saving Scotland & Disability Money Matters. If you need any help on those boards, do let me know.Please note that Ambassadors are not moderators. Any post you spot in breach of the Forum Rules should be reported via the report button , or by emailing forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com. All views are my own & not the official line of Money Saving Expert.
Lou~ Debt free Wanabe No 55 DF 03/14.**Credit card debt free 30/06/10~** MFW. Finally mortgage free O2/ 2021****
"A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of" Jane Austen in Mansfield Park.
***Fall down seven times,stand up eight*** ~~Japanese proverb. ***Keep plodding*** Out of debt, out of danger. ***Be the difference.***
One debt remaining. Home improvement loan.0 -
What a lovely poem, I am going to save that.
Well done to you and your sister for organising a very fitting goodbye. It is not surprising that you are feeling very fragile after this second bereavement in a short time (and I hardly dare ask about the cat).
It's funny how the daughter role comes back into one's life. I found that for several decades my parents were very much in the background of my life and now I really value them and think about them all the time. My own dad was talking about his mortality the other day. He said he has set a target of reaching 80. That is only 16 months away and that seems a very short time.Total debt: 1 January 2007 £[strike]49,387.79[/strike] 1 January 2012 £[STRIKE]19,312.85[/STRIKE] 1 August 2012 £11,517.620 -
My tenants have made an offer on my house. This has been a will they-won’t they situation for months and has now come at a really bad time since I don’t feel that I am unemotional enough to make this kind of decision. But nor do I think it is right to put off the decision.
My thinking is:
They are offering the sort of figure I want but don’t think I’d get on the open market.
There will be no estate agent fees, just one month’s rent to the agent (£625).
I believe that as it is a private sale I won’t have to pay for HIPS (is this what it’s called? I am so out of touch).
If they are looking to buy somewhere and they don’t buy my place, I will lose them as tenants – and they are excellent tenants. I may have the house empty for a while and/or not get such good people.
If the house is empty, I will have to pay the mortgage without the income to do so.
While the house is still mine there will always be the possibility of maintenance costs (e.g. the boiler I’ve just paid for at over £3,000).
There is not much equity in the house, but I would be able to pay off most of my debt. Or, don’t shout at me, put it towards buying somewhere habitable here. Or keeping my current debt and putting the sum I make from the sale into doing up the hovel here. I know what that looks like from an outsider’s perspective, but I am an insider and an unreasonably emotional one at that.
If I want to return to the UK I will not be able to afford to buy again: I have limited earning power in today’s marketplace, my age is against me, saving for a deposit will take years. Although I couldn’t afford to return at the moment, if I chip away at the debt, one day I might be able to afford to come back and live in this house. The house is in a village and has a large garden – what chance is there of me ever getting anything similar again? By removing myself from the housing loop, will I ever be able to get back into it? At the moment, however illogical, this matters to me.
Without the debt in the UK I could possibly get a loan here to move forward the renovations on the hovel. Although I would immediately be putting myself in a debt situation again – albeit a “mortgage debt” and not a “loan debt”, if you see where I am coming from – I may at least have something at the end of it that is saleable – at the moment with the dire housing market here I have no hope of selling the hovel. Will this give me better options for moving back to the UK in a few years ... if I want to?
From a business perspective, I think the answer is clear: I should sell.
From a current mental state perspective, the answer is not so clear cut: I won’t have the worry of current debt, but I think I will worry more about what the future holds. And new debt here is also two-edged: debt, bad; a marketable asset, good.
From a purely emotional perspective, the answer is hazy: I will feel that I have failed. Failed at what, I am not sure, but certainly a feeling of having let something go that I love and have worked hard for. It’s only bricks and mortar ... home is where you make it ... I know all that. It’s what I’d say to someone else ... but I’m not someone else."Green pastures are before me,
Which yet I have not seen;"
I'd love to be a good example - instead, I am a horrible warning.0 -
I have just caught up with your latest posts. I am not going to say too much as I have had a big setback today and emotionally am not in a good place to offer any advice.
I can offer support however and perhaps you just need a couple of weeks to feel more stable and able to make a major decision such as this?
In time, you will be able to make the choice and it will not seem such a difficult one as it does at the moment, I am sure.
Hugs
SA2011 - New year, New start, New me[STRIKE]Planning on [/STRIKE] making my dreams a reality0 -
I would explain to your tenants that you are interested in the idea of selling to them, but at the moment your still grieving for your father, and would they mind waiting a few weeks until you feel ready to make the decision as at the moment its a bit to much
HIPS was cancelled by the government in May after they came to power, so you shouldn't need that but a quick call to an Estate Agents would tell you, just say you weighing up the cost of selling, don't give them any details
On paper I would sell, but I haven't ever sold a house, my house is up for sale and I do wonder what I will be like when its no longer mineMortgage Aug 12 £165K, Aug 19 £0
ISA challenge start 2019 £3000/£1500 (50%)0 -
I have agreed to sell the house to my tenants. I feel very sad about this, but I do think it is the right thing to do. It’s a long way before it’s signed and sealed, though, so we shall see what happens.
You were right to suggest waiting a couple of weeks to make the decision, Radish, but this is something I have thought about before and have never come to a positive yes or no to selling, so even though now isn’t a good decision-making time, I don’t think I would have been any clearer if I’d waited.
Not sure where this leaves me now with moving forward. I’ll not try to force my thoughts on that, and hopefully the right way will present itself. At the moment, my illogical feelings of loneliness and not belonging anywhere are enhanced by the prospect of not having my house any more. I feel ridiculously childlike. I must snap out of that soon. I am not sleeping properly and am very pressurised with work – if I would just get down to doing some, that would probably help!"Green pastures are before me,
Which yet I have not seen;"
I'd love to be a good example - instead, I am a horrible warning.0
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