My Mum favours my sister

tattoed_bum

hi op , i know exactly how you feel and it isnt jealousy it does make you feel really sad .
we are in a similar position ,we have to help dh parents all the time ,we also look after his grandparents on top of all this we also have a disabled child .
my bil law lives a good few hundred miles away and has never done anything to help his parents ,the last time he visited he couldnt even find an hour to go visit his grandparents because he wanted to go see his mates .
when he arrives it's like a royal visit and he and his kids get hundreds of pounds spent on them .
this really hurts as he has a really well paid job , my dh was made to go part time before xmas and things for us have been a real tight struggle .
my dh ended up in hospital himself a few weeks ago and not one of them offered to help me or even to go visit him to give me a break .
sorry to hijack your thread i just wanted to let you know you are not on your own with this ,and sometimes people just don't see that they are hurting you .

i did speak up about it once when i could have done with some support myself when dh was in hospital with a brain tumour and i was stressed to hell and back the result was that the inlaws didn't speak to me for 6 months .
my own mum and dad who live 400 miles away came down for a month to help me in the end as i struggling so much .

Krystaltips

I agree about looking into carers allowance, my aunt claimed this for my grandfather to cover petrol costs for running him to hospital and back...

And also about the patient transport, sometimes it involves sitting around waiting for others to finish their appointments but its a service offered by the hospital that is generally free.

And next time your Mum starts mentioning things she's given to your sister just say 'Oh, I would of loved those... If you didn't want it anymore, I wish you'd of said...' And see what she says... Like others have said, it could be not so much that she favours your sister but just feels like she should give her things to compensate for not seeing her very often...

Barneysmom

Mother's Day a couple of weeks ago
My sis bought mom the 'Little Book of Quotes' and made her a bead necklace.

I gave mom 31 packets of cat food and a cheque for £30 toward her tyre for her fiesta..

Who do you think is favourite, not me 'cos I do the boring stuff..........

It's just the way ot is.

ema_o

I agree with most of the above posts - you really need to say something to your folks. It does sound like they are taking advantage, I doubt it is deliberate but more because you have always done it they are just used to relying on you.
It does sound like you need some time back for yourself, whether it is to do the extra shifts or have more time with your family.
It does sound like there are other options for your parents at least some of the time from what has been said above. My folks always do their best to take my grandma to appointments, but if they can't manage it I know transport has been arranged (not sure by who, I think the hospital).
Also they have each other so presumably they could go with each other to appointments to save them going alone? Perhaps appointments could sometimes be rearranged to a time that would suit you better, but they never ask about this because they presume you will drop everything to take them.

I am not sure whether you should mention anything to your sister, it doesn't really sound as if she is to blame. I would definitely start with a conversation with your parents (or perhaps just one of them) and take things from there.

Good luck, I really hope you manage to find a better balance with looking after your parents and your own life.

Surfbabe

Oh how I sympathise ............... I concur with everything that has been said. I live an equal distance from my mum ( an 8- mile round trip) as my brother but I am the one that does everything, has her to stay etc. I'm always told well he and his wife do both work and they have the twins as well (9yrs old). Well both DH and I work two jobs each and have two children so whats the difference.

Tell them how you feel and put yourself, husband and children first, although I know how hard that is.

Surfbabe

Oh how I sympathise ............... I concur with everything that has been said. I live an equal distance from my mum ( an 80 mile round trip) as my brother but I am the one that does everything, has her to stay etc. I'm always told well he and his wife do both work and they have the twins as well (9yrs old). Well both DH and I work two jobs each and have two children so whats the difference.

Tell them how you feel and put yourself, husband and children first, although I know how hard that is.

ariba10

The ones that do the most are often thought the least of.

I knew of a child who did more than any one for their mother but the only one she spoke highly of was her other child who lived in New Zealand, forgot most anniversaries and visited once in 35 years.

That is the way of life I am afraid and nowhere is it writen that life is fair.

KellyWelly

Same here. I have two brothers who point blank refuse to help out with our parents, I am married with two children and they are both single. I even live 30 mins away while my one brother still lives at home. I still have to look after my dad when he is ill or drive him to hospital, do his shopping, clean the house. My brothers are completely selfish. Sun shines out of their backsides though and I am X Y and Z because I am 'always stressed out and wound up'. Well duh. I don't know about two daughters but I think in my case it's that daughters do the looking after while sons clear off and please themselves and their girlfriends/wives. My husband is an only child so he doesn't have that luxury unfortunately.

I expect OP that your mum gives your sister things to compensate. She probably feels bad that she doesn't get to spend much time with her like she does with you.

MrsE_2

KellyWelly wrote: »

I expect OP that your mum gives your sister things to compensate. She probably feels bad that she doesn't get to spend much time with her like she does with you.

My mother spent far more time with her favourite daughter (not so much now she has nothing left to give), she still found it necessary to give her everything material & cash as well as time, so I don't think thats a reason.

rolo-polo1965

I know exactly how you feel. My sister and i live 10 miles away from each other and about 70 miles from our parents. My parents often call in to my sisters house and will pop and see me on their way home. They will not go out of their way to see me, it just is not fair. I invited them up for the weekend when it was mothers day to be told, "Oh no we are staying at your sisters, we will call in to you on the way home". They told me they could not stay with me as i do not have room, i only have a 3 bedroom house as does my sister. Her house is much bigger than mine but i have 4 children at home and she has 2. Her children get lots of presents all of the time, they are 9 and 7 and were adopted 2 years ago.My children are 21,18, 16, 14. My children know they are second best and are often told by my parents that my sisters children are special as they were the chosen ones.

My parents take my sister and her children on holiday every year but have never done this with us. When i say any thing to my parents i get told "Well you sister needs help" Where were they when i needed help when my children were young?

I found out recently that they paid for my sisiters mortgage for 5 yers when they first got married as she was at college. Well i got the sack from my job when i was pregnent with child number 1 and they did not help me.

So i can understand why you are resentful but what can we do??

xxdeebeexx wrote: »

I live very close to my elderly parents so have the responsibility of “looking after” them. I arrange my life so that I can take them to their hospital appointments, sometimes as many as 6 in a week. My husband works for an agency so can drop work at a moments notice and I work 1 day a week that is totally flexible. Everything in our lives are arranged to fit around my parents and 2 young children. Mostly I am happy to do this. But we live on a shoe string.

My sister lives a long way away, has a huge house and a joint income in excess of £100k and I love her to bits. She has my parents to stay about 2 or 3 times a year and she visits twice a year.

However, every time my sister visits my parents, she is given loads and loads of ‘things’ from my parent’s house. Things that I have grown up with and that are part of my childhood memories and are often valuable. She is also given petrol money for making such a long journey, and treated to meals out and more.

I must sound awful, but today mum told me of some things she has given to my sister and I just felt so sad that they weren’t offered to me. To be honest I’m not even sure if I would want them but, I would have liked the chance to say so.

I sometimes have the chance of doing some extra work but have had to turn down the last 3 offers as it has clashed with my parents hospital appointments. My parents don’t offer me petrol money for the hospital trips and I certainly don’t get the meals out or the other treats that my sister gets.

My sister has always been the favourite and I have always known this, but it hurts that we are struggling financially to look after my parents but she is given the ‘treats’.

I must seem very jealous and spiteful, but I’m not…. Just very sad and looking for a way forward.

Any ideas?