My Mum favours my sister

xxdeebeexx

I live very close to my elderly parents so have the responsibility of “looking after” them. I arrange my life so that I can take them to their hospital appointments, sometimes as many as 6 in a week. My husband works for an agency so can drop work at a moments notice and I work 1 day a week that is totally flexible. Everything in our lives are arranged to fit around my parents and 2 young children. Mostly I am happy to do this. But we live on a shoe string.

My sister lives a long way away, has a huge house and a joint income in excess of £100k and I love her to bits. She has my parents to stay about 2 or 3 times a year and she visits twice a year.

However, every time my sister visits my parents, she is given loads and loads of ‘things’ from my parent’s house. Things that I have grown up with and that are part of my childhood memories and are often valuable. She is also given petrol money for making such a long journey, and treated to meals out and more.

I must sound awful, but today mum told me of some things she has given to my sister and I just felt so sad that they weren’t offered to me. To be honest I’m not even sure if I would want them but, I would have liked the chance to say so.

I sometimes have the chance of doing some extra work but have had to turn down the last 3 offers as it has clashed with my parents hospital appointments. My parents don’t offer me petrol money for the hospital trips and I certainly don’t get the meals out or the other treats that my sister gets.

My sister has always been the favourite and I have always known this, but it hurts that we are struggling financially to look after my parents but she is given the ‘treats’.

I must seem very jealous and spiteful, but I’m not…. Just very sad and looking for a way forward.

Any ideas?

GucciMane

Your parents are taking advantage of you. If you see them less then maybe they will consider you more. Your sister plays a very clever game, i think you should do the same and when they miss you they will give you money to come see you.

remembered_nights

Sounds awful, and I recognise the situation!

My Mum takes her mum shopping every week etc etc, but my uncle is still the fave - lives 6 hours away and only visits 3 times a year!

gabycat

My brother is the favourite , i have got used to it, taken a lot of years but hey, what can you do.

I think in my parents mind, the way it works is, he hardly even visits them, so when when he does it's a BIG deal.

Where i visit all the time, my DH is their handyman, we have them for xmas easter birthdays etc, so we are "just" part of their lives.

But when my brother is about everything revolves around him.

BTW, he lives closer to them than i do, but "HE HAS HIS OWN LIFE"

whatever that means

jockettuk

if they of sound mind then why dont you sit down and tell your mum how you feel.. or at least let them know your not well off.. I would also mention that mabey it would be nice to have some of the family momentos for you to keep to give to your kids etc.. dont let this boil over or you will have some major guilt trips if the worse should happen..

sidefx

jockettuk wrote: »

if they of sound mind then why dont you sit down and tell your mum how you feel.. or at least let them know your not well off.. I would also mention that mabey it would be nice to have some of the family momentos for you to keep to give to your kids etc.. dont let this boil over or you will have some major guilt trips if the worse should happen..

I agree with this.

You need to explain how you feel. It may fall on deaf ears but at least you will have said your piece.

You are not alone. I think this situation is sadly, all too common.

eezer

It does sound like your parents are taking advantage of you, perhaps unwittingly so, but none the less you are still being taken for granted.

I don't mean this to sound callous in any way, but your first priority must be with your two young children. If you can help out your parents then great, but not at the kids' expense. Take those extra shifts at work and use the extra money if you can afford to take your children away for a weekend. Your parents will manage, even if it means having to get the odd taxi to the hospital. From what you write, you need to be more assertive with them and at the same time more independent. Actions speak louder than words and they will soon get the message that you are a person and mother in your own right with other commitments, not just them.

Tell you parents that you are unavailable for the appointment on whatever date, but you will arrange a taxi for them (at their expense). Tell them that you would have liked whatever it was they gave your sister - not in an aggressive way, but in an assertive but pleasant manner. Let them know in your whole approach to them that whilst you will help out, you have other commitments.

It does sound like you have allowed your parents to become too dependent on you which will inevitably cause resentment. If they can genuinely not cope with you playing a lesser role, involve social services. There must also be financial support for you as a carer (carers allowance??) but you'd have to seek proper advice as I'm no expert!!!

Basically - you have a right to your own life. If they do prefer your sister to you, then the best thing of all to come out of it is to ensure that your own children grow up not having to experience the same thing.

Again I'm no expert on any of this - it's just my own, perhaps misguided opinion, but good luck.

CelticStar

eezer wrote: »

It does sound like your parents are taking advantage of you, perhaps unwittingly so, but none the less you are still being taken for granted.

I don't mean this to sound callous in any way, but your first priority must be with your two young children. If you can help out your parents then great, but not at the kids' expense. Take those extra shifts at work and use the extra money if you can afford to take your children away for a weekend. Your parents will manage, even if it means having to get the odd taxi to the hospital. From what you write, you need to be more assertive with them and at the same time more independent. Actions speak louder than words and they will soon get the message that you are a person and mother in your own right with other commitments, not just them.

Tell you parents that you are unavailable for the appointment on whatever date, but you will arrange a taxi for them (at their expense). Tell them that you would have liked whatever it was they gave your sister - not in an aggressive way, but in an assertive but pleasant manner. Let them know in your whole approach to them that whilst you will help out, you have other commitments.

It does sound like you have allowed your parents to become too dependent on you which will inevitably cause resentment. If they can genuinely not cope with you playing a lesser role, involve social services. There must also be financial support for you as a carer (carers allowance??) but you'd have to seek proper advice as I'm no expert!!!

Basically - you have a right to your own life. If they do prefer your sister to you, then the best thing of all to come out of it is to ensure that your own children grow up not having to experience the same thing.

Again I'm no expert on any of this - it's just my own, perhaps misguided opinion, but good luck.

I totally agree with the above. You aren't your parents' keeper and you are putting them before the welfare of you children and your own happiness. If you are less 'available' they will be less likely to take you for granted.

babs2008

To start, I think that it is wonderful you are there for your parents.

Secondly, I am sure that they do not mean to favour your sister. I would think that it is more likely that they over compensate with gifts etc for her as they dont see her as much.

It must be hard when it comes to arranging hospital appointments, but dont the NHS has special transport for this? I know my dad has been offered similar. I'd rather be there to take him, but when it's not possible it would be good to find out other options.

In the end, tell them what you told us here - both your parents and sister. They'll understand and probably wont even realised that the way they act is hurting you.

ailuro2

Can you get carer's allowance / attendance allowance for looking after them?

I'm not sure what it's called, but think it might be on here....

https://www.entitledto.co.uk


or here?

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/DisabledPeople/FinancialSupport/DG_10012425

MrsE_2

xxdeebeexx wrote: »

I must seem very jealous and spiteful, but I’m not…. Just very sad and looking for a way forward.
Any ideas?

My mum is the same, has three daughters but always favoured one.
She has given her nearly all from the sale of one & a half houses.

At xmas she buys for her favoured daughter & her husband & daughter and nothing for her other daughters.

The only time she is in favour of equality is when she wants things done for her:rolleyes:

I have distanced myself emotionally from her, as basically she has thrown most of her mothering (love, time & money) at one & now wants to reap the rewards of three.