Debt out of control - please help

sparkle84

beyondhelp wrote:

woohoo_postingid wrote:

Until you BOTH realise that you need a complete lifestyle change, nothing is going to change. You may get a new mortgage and pay off some loans and then you will start again and will be back here again in a couple of years. You have done it a few times already and will continue to do so until you BOTH realise that things need to change.

I know - that's what really scares me. I don't think things will change as I just can't get through to my husband what a mess we're in... He's arranging a remortgage again now... Interest only - with no endowments to cover it (going to cash them in)... Said we can swap to a repayment mortage in a couple of years when we've got more money!!!

Refuse to sign the remortgage forms this crazy you will never be in a position to change back to a repayment mortgage if you keep on like this which will mean the bank will take back your house at the end of the term - please stand up for yourself this is a crazy situation

beyondhelp_2

Thefunkygibbons wrote:

We need the SOA

but the deal with hubby looks like

Here is a budget
You keep control of all the finances
He gets £5 a week pocket money

That should make him realise that you cannot continue as you are

Volunteer to sell the car so as to illustrate how tight things are

I can't do a budget that we can live off within our income - no matter what I try and cut out the fact is we don't have enough!
I already keep control of all the finances in the respect that I keep tabs of the bank account, open and pay the bills, etc... (very hard though as hubby "forgets" to let me know what he's spent half the time).
I can't give him "pocket money". He works really hard all week and gets really stressed. I gave up my career to become a stay-at-home mum which probably didn't help so what right do I have to take HIS money off him???

beyondhelp_2

muddled_midget wrote:

I don't think anyone's mentioned the petrol yet, £250 is quite a large amount to be spending per month, is it all absolutely necessary, and would walking be an option for any of it? Think of both your health and the environment, and if the car(s) are gas guzzlers considering swapping them for something more economical, even half that money would cover 1200 miles in my little Saxo! I know one family sized car is necessary, but I'm assuming with this petrol consumption they're both quite large. Sorry if I'm assuming wrong, and as others have said, there's nothing for the car maintenance/running costs in your SOA
midget

My husband is a sales rep and is on the road all the time so he does a lot of mileage. I only put about £35 a month into my car... (Have included Hubby's expenses in his income.) My hubby's car is a company car so we don't have to worry about running costs - and mine is a little Yaris so isn't too expensive (but you're right - I still need to budget for them).

beyondhelp_2

mountainofdebt wrote:

but is your hubby an 'image person' - by that I mean does the status of having a flash house, falshing the platinium credit card (sorry if I'm making assumptions here) more important to him than financial piece of mind?

If he is perhaps one idea would be to point out that you can't keep building on sand - at some point the metorphical building will come crashing down and the consequences will be alot worse than cutting back.

No he isn't an image person. I think he's felt a huge amount of pressure to be the provider since I stopped working full-time (10 years ago now)... Neither of us "flash" the credit card. We use it to pay day-to-day living. We never go out (his argument for not nagging about his smoking and drinking) - we never go on holiday (unless covered by Tesco Clubcard vouchers). We only buy clothes/shoes for the kids really (and yes we already buy off Ebay - and sell too)... We have to live off credit cards - hence the debt. The only exception to this is my car... but I think he felt guilty that he had a lovely new company car and I was driving the 3 kids around in an old banger.

beyondhelp_2

sparkle84 wrote:

You have done really well to post here talk to hubby ask him to look on this board and see what you can sort out.

I wish I could - but he'd see it as a huge betrayal. He would be gutted if he knew I was discussing our financial problems with other people... Our marriage is rocky enough already and we'd just end up having a row.

beyondhelp_2

BobProperty wrote:

You say that you are paying £111 for endowments. I am inviting opinions on this as:
1. will they cover the mortgage?
2. are any of them worth cashing in, therefore stopping paying them, and using the money to pay off some of the debt?

We've got 2 endowments from previous properties. The current mortage is £75k interest-only (covered by these endowments - or NOT depending on whether they perform) and the remaining balance is repayment.

Hubby's current plan is to remortgage completely interest-only (adding enough to pay off all debts etc.), cash in the endowments (saving the money I assume??? - and obviously reducing monthly payments), and then remortgage to a repayment mortgage in a couple of years when we've got our finances back on track... This is my current dilema. I don't know that this is the answer - but unless I can come up with another solution don't see what argument I've got.

dreamalittle

beyondhelp wrote:

I can't give him "pocket money". He works really hard all week and gets really stressed. I gave up my career to become a stay-at-home mum which probably didn't help so what right do I have to take HIS money off him???

But you work really hard too, and you don't deserve to be put in this financial mess by your husband's actions. It doesn't matter who is earning most of the money in the household - you are equal partners and you both need to take responsibility for your future and future security of your kids.

The only way this is going to get better is if your husband is forced to face facts and work with you.

beyondhelp_2

mountainofdebt wrote:

whilst I think the advice already given is excellant (as usual) I think the biggest problem that the OP faces is to get her husband on board.

(OP - if you didn't buy wine with the weekly shop would your hubby go out and buy it himself? If you didn't buy the little extras would he complain?.)

Also even if the OP made the savings that are being recommended (how do you secretly change your hubby's contract phone to a PAYG without him twigging?) how could she alone start to get rid of the debt if hubby is still flashing the plastic!

I don't want to be a thorn but just seems to me that the OP is facing an impossible task unless hubby is on board as well

How right you are. I've spent the last 3+ years trying to get him to see the problem. I think I've got through to him every time but within a week it's as though the conversation never happened...

I don't buy wine with the weekly shop - my hubby buys it on his way home from work.

My hubby uses his mobile for work so I don't think PAYG would be the answer. We have both just taken out new contracts so can't anyway. Mine costs £25 per month but I can claim £150 cash back over the year making monthly costs only £12.50 per month for 100 mins & 100 txts and hubby's costs £30 per month - but again we can claim £150 cash back over the year making monthly costs only £17.50 per month for 200 mins & 200 txts... Will PAYG really be cheaper? Also - by being on a contract we both get a FREE new phone every year and we sell our old phones for about £30 each (another £60).

beyondhelp_2

tyllwyd wrote:

These are small things but you are spending £50 on Ballet lessons and Guides (and I guess more on uniform etc). Have you sat down with the kids and asked them if they honestly want to do it - it might be that they don't enjoy it that much, and they wouldn't mind giving up.

I wish this were the case. My daughter LOVES her ballet and is really good at it for her age. She's only just 10 and is doing her Grade 5 exams this year. My other daughter has only just started Rainbow Guides - what she really wants to do is Swimming Lessons but I can't afford them so Rainbows was a compromise.

serena

"I love my husband very much but just can't cope with this debt"

Could you perhaps ask him to choose a time for you to talk together, and tell him just what you have said above? That you love him very much, but you can't cope with the debt, that it is worrying you sick, that you are afraid you will lose your house and your marriage if it carries on?

You would need to do it very calmly, but straightforwardly - sorry, can't quite describe what I mean - so it comes over as desperate worry, but not accusingly.

You could get all the figures together to show how much it all adds up to, how long it will take to pay off, but that it could be done without getting further into debt.