Blackruby's Better Day Challenge Diary

Blackruby

Cheers for the dodgy hug, seems I was wrong about filling the hole inside me. My housemate has just cooked me two monster burgers and I am absolutely stuffed. It's amazing how having a full stomach makes you feel.

May go up and sit in his room for a bit, he had a nap before and probably wont go to bed for a while. I can't get him to hold me because I already feel our friendship is a bit inappropriate considering he has a girlfriend.

Suppose I should explain, I've known this guy (Blue) for going on four years now. We have been living together for the last two, he has a girlfriend (L) who he has been with for 3 and a half years. Two years ago, she had to drop out of uni and moved back to her mother's place. They see each other every month or so. Mine and his friendship is very close, I sometimes feel we are surrogating for each other. We hug a lot and more often than not I am in his room, just for the company (specially after the fall out with my other housemate about me being in his space a lot). There is absolutely nothing there apart from a deep friendship (at least on my side) but I know a few people who think we are treading on a fine line. So I've been trying not to rely on him as heavily as I used to, but it's kinda hard when out of my other two housemates (and close friends to be fair) one is my ex-fella and the other is not the sympathetic type.

Blackruby

Oh dear, the guy I was talking about above (Blue) has had a letter through threatening court action over unpaid tuition fees. Out of nowhere really. Because I've been knocking around here for a while, I could tell him not to ring them and write instead. He knows he has to pay it coz he dropped out and the LEA withdrew the money and all that, but he's not quite sure how.

In my news, been spamming the job market, still no leads but at least I have JSA every two weeks to budget for. Gas and electric sent me a very polite letters asking me if I had forgotten to pay, I actually smiled and thought 'No, I haven't' I kinda just pay what I can, when I can really.

Got my appointment with the housing options people tomorrow, been told to mention my depression history to them. I kinda don't know how to do that without sounding like I am weird 'Oh by the way, I suffer with depression sometimes, just thought I'd throw that in there.' but hopefully if that gets moving then I will feel less helpless about the housing situation.

Text my dad the other day, just to open the lines of communication, we are probably not going to have the kind of relationship me and my mum have, where I phone her once or twice a day, but just getting it out there made me feel better.

Running out of tobacco and I don't get more jsa for a week tomorrow. Eeek, suppose there is no time like the present to get off the damn things. Though knowing me, I will be able to get hold of some somehow. I bet all tobacco smokers out there have done this before, recycled rollies, where you open all the rollies to get the bits of tobacco out to make a new one. So far I have managed to get 11 more rollies this way. Taste nasty but it's nicotine. Mum said she will get me some cheap baccy in a couple of weeks, but that's a couple of weeks. Oh well, just grit my teeth and bear it, I say.

Blackruby

Had my appointment with the homeless prevention officer and she was really nice, absolutely lovely lady. Have a form to fill in and hand into property pool on monday. I would have done it today but I didn't have the right bits and bobs with me. Oh well, get's me out the house which is always a good thing.

Feeling fairly optimistic about things, a bit apprehensive but not terrified. Just keep plodding along and remember that it can't rain all the time.

ZTD

Blackruby wrote: »

Running out of tobacco and I don't get more jsa for a week tomorrow. Eeek, suppose there is no time like the present to get off the damn things. Though knowing me, I will be able to get hold of some somehow. I bet all tobacco smokers out there have done this before, recycled rollies, where you open all the rollies to get the bits of tobacco out to make a new one. So far I have managed to get 11 more rollies this way. Taste nasty but it's nicotine. Mum said she will get me some cheap baccy in a couple of weeks, but that's a couple of weeks. Oh well, just grit my teeth and bear it, I say.

Or you could just seize the opportunity and rid yourself of them...

Blackruby

Yeah, I know. I quit last year some time, from about June till mid-Sept on Champix, trouble is that it sent me head first in to a black depression and now I am scared to go on them again incase it happens again. The only two things that have actually been effective in stopping me smoking are Champix and Zyban but unfortunately they both have severe mental side effects. I've said to myself, I will try Champix again if I can take an anti-depressant alongside.

ZTD

Blackruby wrote: »

Yeah, I know. I quit last year some time, from about June till mid-Sept on Champix, trouble is that it sent me head first in to a black depression and now I am scared to go on them again incase it happens again. The only two things that have actually been effective in stopping me smoking are Champix and Zyban but unfortunately they both have severe mental side effects. I've said to myself, I will try Champix again if I can take an anti-depressant alongside.

Were you taking tablets to help you stop?

Blackruby

Yeah, Champix once a day and I will tell you this, it works wonderfully, no withdrawal or cravings, you don't even care about cigs. But it made me so depressed and miserable, I thought it would go away once I came off the Champix, but it didn't, took me around four weeks to get myself back together and by then I had started smoking again.

Blackruby

I had an epiphany this afternoon, was having a quiet moment, just reading and the such when I suddenly thought 'What exactly do I want in my life?' and the answer was simple and immediate. 'I want to make a difference and do things that normally people don't get to do' which kinda ties in to the Platform2 thing that I was talking about yesterday on the chat thread. Platform2 sends young people aged between 18-25 to other countries to help in community projects for 10 weeks for free, it's aimed at people who would never get the chance to do something like that. You need a passport (which I don't have) and to fund your own travel to the interviews and the airport, plus your own spending money, but other than that it costs nothing.

Spoke to my mum about it and she thinks it would be a great experience aswell, she said that as long as your day-to-day life is sorted i.e place to live and everything is sorted then there is no reason why not. So I have 3 years to get myself a passport and enough money together to do this. I just don't want to look back in ten years time and wish I had done more interesting things.

(This also probably explains why I struggle sometimes with 'normal' life, I just want to do more)

ZTD

Blackruby wrote: »

Yeah, Champix once a day and I will tell you this, it works wonderfully, no withdrawal or cravings, you don't even care about cigs. But it made me so depressed and miserable, I thought it would go away once I came off the Champix, but it didn't, took me around four weeks to get myself back together and by then I had started smoking again.

So would it not be an idea to try giving up the smoking without the psychoactive drugs? That way you won't get depressed.

Drugs like that take a while to get into your system, and a while to come out - that's why it took some time for you to get over it.

Blackruby

Nicotine patches are fairly effective for me except I'm allergic to the adhesive on them, the inhalator and gum wasn't effective for me, apart from that I haven't tried any other NRT like the tabs or the nasal sprays. I don't really know off hand of any others.

Even tried the Allen Carr method, it didn't work which made me feel stupid coz Allen Carr said in his books that most people fail on his method coz they haven't understood something.