Everything is falling apart having a major panic **SOA added**

Joyful

Hi Jenna

Well done so far. You mentioned Can you "do" something with feelings or do you just wait for them to pass? Have you ever heard of EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique)? This deals with your thought processes. What's even better is there is an EFT website set up by the person who started it- Gary Craig where you can download the tools to learn and practise on yourself for Free! Be warned you will get emails twice a week but I am enjoying seeing how much EFT can help people.

When people block their emotions it causes problems in other areas. I have found this giving Reiki to other people. It may hurt while you go through this process but you will come out the other side much stronger so good luck.

Jenna

Thanks Joyful - I'll check into EFT!

Ellerose - thanks for your post, it's good to know I'm not the only one who's mixed business with pleasure! I wish I'd helped him with my time and knowledge (of budgets etc) instead but that's the benefit of hindsight I guess...

That's partly what I'm afraid of too, what if we break up & he still owes me? The money I lent was savings from birthday/Xmas money I received as a kid, saved from my first jobs & a large chunk was my inheritance from my Grandpa. At the time I had no idea that people thought differently about money but I found out fast enough!

I've resolved not to lend him (or anyone) anything else and pay back my debts as fast as I can. The next danger point for me will be when rent is due - technically I could cover just rent & C/Tax out of my salary, but only by leaving my other bills (and debts) unpaid. I've already said I'm not going to do this but I'm scared I'll give in under pressure!

I NEED to remember how bad I feel now about lending him it and stay strong... why do I have great willpower to stop myself spending, but not when it comes to him?!

Thanks xx

Jenna

Ooh, a post from the legendary Dinah, I'm honoured ! I've been a lurker on your thread but was always too scared to post!

I'll try eBay first then as I can just do a few pieces at a time as a trial run. I've always meant to do it & just procrastinated I think! So I'll be good and try it!

Jobs 2-4 hours away don't pay as well as what I'm on now so not sure if it's worth moving away from friends & family?! Rent well yeah it is high and we've been looking into other places recently (at my prompting) but unless we want to move to the suburbs (impractical as OH doesn't drive) then cheaper just means nastier... I can't believe the prices near you! £600 for that is CRAZY!! Here £700 will get you a 1 bed studio apartment in OK ish condition.

I feel thoroughly told off re landlords!! I've been avoiding making the call, I'm actually pretty scared, and have no clue what to say to them. I've put a note in my diary for 2mo night (so we know whether OH got this job) before we call. But you are right they do deserve to know so they can make plans... I feel childish now for not calling them before. I guess I just really thought he'd get a job in time?!

You weren't harsh just truthful, though I will admit I do feel 'told off' and a little ashamed re landlords. Not sure what I've been thinking! Maybe just burying my head in the sand, eg if I don't call it's not real?! Don't know...

I think I've confused people with the way I did my SOA so let me say again, we split ALL bills 50/50 so we each contribute half. And yes you're totally right about his attitude has got to change if we're going to have a chance of a long term future together; I couldn't in good conscience get a mortgage with him as things stand, for instance.

Do I get into 'Mum' role and tell him what to do eg call landlord, we need to move, etc?! Or do I wait for him to have some kind of lightbulb flicker?? I'm sick of being the one who always has a solution!!!

Thanks for your thought provoking post xx

Dinah93

So that's where someone on my thread quoted from - really confused me! I'm not entirely sure I'm legendary though, just determined and stubborn with far too much time spent on here!

Mum mode might make him face facts, equally if he's anything like my ex he'll just ignore the problem until you loose the flat. Equally he should be taking some responsibility for sorting things out as you're both in this together.

I only say about the landlord from experience, when I lived in our flat we were late with rent one month as for some reason HSBC thought the payment was fraudulent that month (but not the 4 preceeding it for some reason) and blocked it, and the letting agent charged us a £100 fee! However our landlord in the following house was a rare breed, utterly unaware of what was going on, and my ex and I did a 'I pay this month you pay next month' scheme, and the LL didn't contact us even when it turned out my ex had missed out 4 out of 5 of his months! Not like I've been any better in the past, I've been guilty of ignoring a situation and hoping it will go away on many, many occassions.

D x

ellerose

I don't know where you'd stand legally if you were to break up Jenna, perhaps someone else here will know. I assumed I didn't have a leg to stand on as I had nothing in writing, but then in my case it wasn't so much 'loans' (although there were a few) more just paying for everything for years.

Dinah93

When I broke up with my ex I was told I didn't have a leg to stand on to get the money back from him, if it was one big lump sum and you could show it going out of your account into one of his I was told I might have had a chance if I fought it. The joint account was in debt and an utter nightmare as they chased me as the only earner, and wouldn't close down the account without his signiture, or take me name off it, so he just kept taking it further and further overdrawn.

Radish72

Hello Jenna

Not sure if you have rang the landlord yet to explain, but can you get your OH ring as its his part of the rent that is effectively short

Apologise but I can't remember if your flat is in joint names

If not can you tempt him into role playing the "phone call to the landlord" with you to help you sort out what to say before you ring, maybe it might kick start his conscience and make him face the situatuion more than he is now

Dinah93

Hi Jenna, how are things going for you?

Jenna

Dinah - Thanks for asking how things are sorry I've not been on for a while! Wow a bit terrifying about your OH and missing those rent payments. I mean I can procrastinate with the best of them, and I've made mistakes for sure, but rent has got to be "up there" on your list of priorities, hasn't it?!

Radish - Yes the flat is in both of our names, the way it works is that we're "jointly and severally" liable for the money e.g. if one of us does a runner the other one can be chased for the whole amount. HOWEVER given how long we've been going out, if he does a runner, I'll have bigger things on my mind than caring what I need to pay out !

~

Well ... so sorry it's been a while ... life fills up! A quick update for you all then:

About the flat - in the end HE phoned the landlord without my asking him to (I nearly fell off my chair with shock ) and sorted it all out. We paid what we could this month and he is going to sort the arrears with them by paying extra each month until it's back to being straight ... which he can do ... since he got the job! :j:beer::j
He won't get paid until the end of May (as it's a perm role so monthly pay) but the actual job itself seems to be going OK so far - difficult to tell though as of course he's not been there long - but the people seem nice etc.

So a big sigh of relief all round

I'm in the middle of switching bank accounts /changing DD dates / etc etc so my budget is in a mess. That said the mess is gaining me £145 towards the CC (A&L account setup bonus plus Quidco for opening it) and free travel ins so it's not all bad! Also on the plus side I discovered I've got a couple of hundred quid in Premium Bonds ! My Mum is going to pick up the forms to cash them in as she's going into town this week and that will be another chunk of the CC too.

I do have to make a decision about my car soon ish - it's got 5 full months MOT & tax left on it, but needs a new fuel tank (the existing one is corroding and, although it's safe to drive at this stage, the issue is becoming more of a hazard daily!) and has an intermittent knocking sound coming from the engine (the general consensus seems to be that the tappets need adjusting). Altogether I can buy another cheap old banger for as much as the repairs will be (yes, I did get a quote) so I do need to look into the most cost effective option. Decision doesn't need to be immediate but have to do something sooner or later!

Anyway, debt totals updated, so they're coming down. I've moved £'s into the holi/Xmas savings but as I said, budget's in a mess, so I may yet have to pull those funds if I've forgotten a bill. First things first - I'm moving all my DD dates to the 1st of each month so I can get clear about where I am.

OK sorry to ramble (bet you wish you never asked now Dinah :rotfl:!!) & hope you're all doing well? Here's to a new week (got pasta tomorrow for my lunch, I'm being good!) xx

Jenna

Hey hey,

Well, the figures in my sig are now definite, as I completed the final 'change over' between accounts this weekend and all my sums still add up! Not bad for a blonde eh?! :rotfl:

I've now got three types of bills:

~ Direct Debit / Standing Order (these are now all leaving my account on the 1st of each month; though my CC won't start doing this til 1st July for some long lead time reason)

~ 'Money Pots' / Savings (I just need to go online each month and transfer X set amount towards savings for Car Tax, MOT, leccy, etc). I'll do this on the 2nd / 3rd of the month (so I can see that all the DDs have gone out OK)

~ Cash (this is for petrol, food, spending money etc - I've now resolved to take this OUT of my account at the start of each month. Then it's clear exactly what is left and I can't fool myself!)

I've also divided my budget up in sections e.g. 'Car', 'Essentials', 'Health/Beauty' etc ... and my bills are not just £/month, but % of my income / month too. That does make it easy to see what I'm spending too much on :rolleyes:

Anyway I'm feeling much more organised and happy with all of this as a result

I was definitely going to use my Premium Bonds to reduce the CC balance since the 0% is up 8th June, and I had applied for a new 0% deal with Abbey in March (and STILL haven't heard back with a decision!). Anyway on the weekend I got bored with their general rubbishness and applied for another CC with Halifax which said I was accepted and they'd send a letter to confirm my limit. So (though I'm waiting for the letter to confirm for sure) I should now still be on 0% (it's a 13 month offer).

Sooo now I'm wondering if I just transfer the CC balance as is to the new 0% deal, and continue to pay the min balance, and just save up in the meantime to overpay occasionally. And then could use the Premium Bonds towards buying a replacement car - as mine is really not well! I'm tempted for more practical reasons though too as for example the M.E. makes my arms really weak and painful so I have trouble maneuvring (sp?) into parking spaces etc as my car is old, heavy and has no power steering. I get some funny looks too as I'm only 22 :rolleyes: ! So yeah I'm quite tempted by this idea, it really would make my life a lot easier.

Grr :mad: the thing is I won't need a new car til September (need to drive half way across the UK and don't want car to have a wobbly half way there!) but by then, I'll have no MOT or car tax left - so could only sell it for scrap, £20 basically. And to get a new MOT on it will cost me c. £400 (more than the value of the car!). If I sell now (even with mechanical issues) I should get between £180 - £200 for it. So I think I'm better just to get on with it and save like crazy in the meantime for the new one (c. £450 - £950 depending on year, condition etc).

But maybe I'm just tempted by smooth parking and shiny cars ohh I don't know what to do...

The thing is, the right thing to do is pay off all my debts and then save up for the car from scratch. But there's no way I can do that by September is there...

OH will start paying me back again at the end of the month (he says) and also take on the sofa DD altogether for a few months (his part of the debt is now higher than mine, so he needs to pay it down further!). So maybe I just wait and see if this happens, and make a decision then? As this would free up some serious cashflow for me.

Oh forgot to say, have reduced psych to once a month until I hear back from DLA people.

OK had better go, it's definitely my bedtime now! Bit ill anyway, should be asleep already really. Night guys xx