Please Help.. Don't know what to do anymore

Primrose

I sense that basically the two of you are not particularly compatible. You seem to need to be surrounded all the time by friends. (Are you insecure as a person?). Your partner sounds well grounded to me and happy in his own company; he doesn't seem to need the emotional props from others which you do. Why on earth should you regard him as in some way socially lacking because he doesn't want to go out drinking with work colleagues every Friday night? I also sense that part of you is embarrassed by what you see as his physical inadequacies and that you're worrying excessively about what your friends think of him. If your heart doesn't leap with pleasure when you spot him in the distance after only 6 years, I fear that your relationship doesn't have what it takes to survive the long term. . You won't change him or his personality. If you can't love and accept him for what he is now, perhaps it's better to do the decent thing and let him go so that he has the chance to meet somebody who will value him for what and who he is. Your doubts say it all really. If you felt 100% convinced this was the right man for you, you would feel full of joy at being with him and wouldn't be on here pouring out your uncertainties. Let him go. You will probably be losing a jewel but that jewel will almost certainly sparkle more in the possession of somebody who nurtures and values him, rather than somebody who doesn't really believe wholeheartedly in him and loves him for what he is worth. If you feel this way about him after only 6 years, try and imagine what you would feel like after 25 years together?

mrcow

Good luck.

Put some work in and see how you get on.

And then give it two months and come back to this thread and reread what you've written. Perhaps then you'll see how shallow and judgemental you're sounding about a guy you profess to love? If you're still feeling the same at that stage, then move on, he probably deserves better than that. And then you can start looking for what it is you want. You don't sound happy as you are.

rosered1963

Hi OP. These are the critical phrases from your first post:

"I actually think lots of people might find him boring" I think you also find him a bit boring - you are projecting your feelings onto others.

" always thought I would end up wtih a big muscular type of guy (I'm tall and biggish myself) but OH is very slender and only just my height, this is really stupid but sometimes I feel he couldn't protect me if we were out and about" You are looking for an alpha male - big, outgoing, and masculine - he isn't it

" Sometimes when I'm waiting for him and I see him in the distance I don't automatically go 'oh there is he' & feel the feelings I should feel for him after 6 years" - It's as clear as day to me - you may love him but you are no longer in love with him.

If you decide to finish with him, you may discover that the alpha male you crave is actually just a fantasy - living with one can be hell. You like to be in the limelight - your OH is just the opposite, and maybe that's the way a relationship should be, or you would just be competing with each other. No man can be everything - you can't have an Indiana Jones who will load the dishwasher. Why not try working on it and see if you are still in love with him - if you are, you may find that you have a diamond there. Trust me, there are some pathetic men out there masquerading as the real thing.

Dormouse

How long have you felt like this, OP? Is this quite a recent thing, or something that has been niggling you from the beginning? What I'm trying to get at is if you've always had these doubts, then how did you get together in the first place, if he's not your type physically and his personality is not what you would normally find attractive?

Or, if this is more recent, is there something else going on in your life that's making you reassess things? There was one thing about your post that struck me as very significant:

Not_Sure_How_I_Feel wrote: »

We both would like children, however I don't think I can have offspring and I think I should let him be with someone else who can ahve kids

Now, this is a biggie. I can understand you not wanting to go into detail, but whatever makes you think you cannot have children, you need to be sure of the facts. This is a big issue in any relationship that needs to be resolved, so I would suggest you investigate the whatever reasons you have for thinking you're infertile ASAP. (And as an aside, I know people who thought - and were told by doctors - they were infertile, and they ended up having 3 kids etc, so it's not always clear-cut.)

Reading your post, I just got the impression you're maybe at that point in your life, maybe about to turn 30, when marriage/kids/other 'grown-up' stuff is becoming a reality, and maybe you're getting a bit scared? (don't blame you BTW!) If the feelings of doubt about your OH are recent, I would perhaps be inclined to attribute them to this 'crisis'.

On the other hand, if you've always felt like this about him, I'd imagine you're maybe not with the right person. I have been with my DH nearly 13 years, married for 9, and I would be freaked out if I said things about him that you've said about your DP. I really cannot imagine my life without him, and I do still fancy his pants off.

BTW my DH did see your post over my shoulder, and was quick to remark that your DP deserves better than that and the fact that you felt the need to post this on a forum proves that the relationship is wrong.

Good luck OP, I hope you will be happy whatever you decide. For what it's worth, I think your OH sounds like a lovely guy, but then I've never been attracted to the loud, overly sociable, always partying, all talk and nothing to say type men.

squirrelchops

" Sometimes when I'm waiting for him and I see him in the distance I don't automatically go 'oh there is he' & feel the feelings I should feel for him after 6 years"

This made me feel really sad inside to be honest. Although my OH does my head in like in most relationships I always feel such a rush of love when I see him in the distance.

When either of us goes to spend a night away with family or friends I miss him so much and no, not in a needy way but I genuingly would rather spend my time with him than anyone else.

rosered1963

squirrelchops wrote: »

" Sometimes when I'm waiting for him and I see him in the distance I don't automatically go 'oh there is he' & feel the feelings I should feel for him after 6 years"

This made me feel really sad inside to be honest. Although my OH does my head in like in most relationships I always feel such a rush of love when I see him in the distance.

When either of us goes to spend a night away with family or friends I miss him so much and no, not in a needy way but I genuingly would rather spend my time with him than anyone else.

Squirrelchops I totally agree - that sentence made me really sad for her boyfriend - I have been with my OH for ten years - every time I see him - I jump for joy inside.

allIcouldwishfor

Has he changed? What did you find attractive about him to start with? Why not try to focus on those things rather than how you could "improve" him and you might start to find your feelings for him come back. It does take a bit of effort to still find your partner attractive after the initial infatuation period is over, but as long as you still respect them and can find things to admire in them then there is still some spark there and you just have to fan the flames.

Rosered has raised some excellent points - living with Tarzan will generally mean you could well fall into very stereotypical roles, trust me - I speak from experience! Is that a lifestyle you think you could accept?

As a final note, I once saw in someone's signature "don't marry someone because you can live with them, but because you can't live without them", which is fabulous advice.

larmy16

To the OP I am saying this. Your guy sounds like the type of man absolutely masses of women would love to meet and appreciate him for all his good qualities.

Picture your man with one of these women, living in mutual respect, admiration and acceptance. He is so happy with his new womean. Picture yourself with your he man who probably wont have all your current partners great qualities.

Do you feel a sickening feeling in your stomach. If you don't, then maybe you should do the honest thing and let him go. Believe me he will probably get over you faster than you think. Most men don't hang around for too long nursing a broken heart. They generally move on and find someone else.

It is horrible when you feel confused about someone but make sure it is not your own insecurity before you chuck a really lovely man away. They are a little thin on the ground. All the best whatever you do. x

glitterycloud

You should let him go and find someone who will appreciate hima dn love him in the way its meant to be. Dragging out a lack lustre relationship will mean another year or 2 wasted when you could move on now and find your "aplha male" to go out with, protect you and have lots of friends, let your quiet, loyal, caring guy find someone (think there will be a HUGE queue as he sounds life long relationship potential)

When you have had your let downs of alpha male types and find yourself alone and still searching - you will remember this guy and wonder why you let him go and why you were so shallow.

seven-day-weekend

rosered1963 wrote: »

Squirrelchops I totally agree - that sentence made me really sad for her boyfriend - I have been with my OH for ten years - every time I see him - I jump for joy inside.

We have been married 38 years this year and are early retired, and even now if my husband is away for the day, I look forward to him coming home so that we can talk our day.

I think the OP is bored with her boyfriend, and a bit ashamed of him because he doesn't match up to what her friends think; I think she values his fine points but doesn't love him.