Please Help.. Don't know what to do anymore

Not_Sure_How_I_Feel

SORRY LOOOOONG READ -
ANYONE WHO GETS THRU IT ALL THANK YOU SO MUCH

Hi all

I am a regular, however, my partner dips in and out of this site so I don't want them to know I am posting.

Hopefully I can speak to you guys and have a chat about this. I don't feel I can raise this with my friends or family yet...

I have been with my partner for 6 years. We're not married but sometimes talk about tying the knot.

The problem is that I'm not sure how I feel....

I hear stories from other people, friends, family members how they just couldn't live without their partner, they love them to bits, fancy the pants off them etc... why don't I feel like this? After 6 years?!

I am quite an outgoing person who has lots of pals and am always getting asked out and about (not blowing trumpet) but my OH doesn't really have close friends. He has friends from the city he used to live in and a few from work but it's not like anyone rings him up or asks him to do stuff (well, only very rarely).

I know this isn't the be all and end all but for some reason I can't get this out of my head... I've always been someone who feels like I need to have friends around me, and that it's almost a mark of what kind of a person you are. Not just "anyone" but to have a big group of close, trustworthy friends to me is very important....

All of my friends like my OH and he gets on well with them, but when the guys just do things, they don't always ask him along.. I actually think lots of people might find him boring, so I end up being a bit over zealous to try and make up for it... stupid I know.... I mean, what exactly am I trying to do? I hear stories about other guy's friends coming over, gonig out to the pub, watching footy.. etc.. it's almost like I would rather have to deal with 'oh damn he's out with his pals again'....

Even tonight, after work on a Friday there's no-one wanting to go out for a drinnk with him.. I know some other coleagues from a different department are going out for a drink (who he used to work with) and they even mentioned it but didn't invite him....

We do get on very well, I mean I do love him ... but do I love him but am not in love with him?

I know he would never ever leave me and would be devestated if I ever even mentioned this to him so I just can't bring it up. I'm not national in this country so I don't have family here and I don't really want to speak to friends as they know my OH very well and I think it would make things uncomfortable.

I always thought I would end up wtih a big muscular type of guy (I'm tall and biggish myself) but OH is very slender and only just my height, this is really stupid but sometimes I feel he couldn't protect me if we were out and about and I know that's daft but these silly things cross my mind!

Somtimes I fancy him, lots of times I don't.... but he's noticed that we don't get 'all extra marital' (!) that much anymore...

Am I just being ridiculous?!?

He is a loving, caring, generous, truthful, honest, funny, creative person.. so why do I almost measure this on how many friends he has / wha he looks like / his lack of 'outgoingness' ?!? It sounds so stupid..

I am scared. Scared to keep on going and thinking this is how it shoudl be and to ignore the stupid 'friends', 'body', 'personality' thoughts in my head... I just wish he could connect with people more and that people wanted him around them... I look at my friends and they are all best freinds with their OH (I would say we were best friends too) but their partners are fun, funny, outgoing and all have lots of friends, of both sexes.

Or should I be truthful, competely wreck his world and leave to find the grass is not green but maybe brown and dead and I had made a huge mistake?
It all sounds ridiculous doesn't it... I feel very very bad even writing this down.. I feel selfish...

Sometimes when I'm waiting for him and I see him in the distance I don't automatically go 'oh there is he' & feel the feelings I should feel for him after 6 years...

I can't but compare him to everyone and there is no way I am even near perfect at all so what right do I have to do this!

We both would like children, however I don't think I can have offspring and I think I should let him be with someone else who can ahve kids - I'm holding him back especially with all the stuff above...

Thanks if you got to the end of this, I am grateful to anyone who can give me advice...... or just tell me I'm a silly moo and to shut up and be thankful for what I've got!

pink_princess

You just sound a bit stuck in the routine of life to me.Do you try to shake things up with him?

Not_Sure_How_I_Feel

Thanks for reading pink princess... how do you mean shake things up?

staffie1

Yes you're being rediculous. If you don't want to be with the guy just tell him and don't string him along. Not everyone's the same as you. Just because you need to have a big circle of friends around you doesn't mean everyone else does. Does it? If you want a big attractive hunk of a man - go and see if you can find one. But do it the right way round - finish with your OH first.

pink_princess

Approach him in a physical way,change the way you view your intimacy.It sounds like you don t view him in any way attractive.That can be changed if you want it to.
Start spending more time being with him,go sit on his knee etc when he s busy,learn to talk and just have contact,cuddles etc.The more you do this the more you will open up to wanting more from him.Don t just sit back and not enjoy your partner,do something pro active to help the situation or leave.
You don t sound like you ve ever fully enjoyed him as a person in his own right.He has the right to be quieter socially etc,and he can be your sanity from your bubbly friends,if you let him be.
My mum always says ,if you don t like something in your life change it or get on with it,its held me in good stead in life.
Thats what i mean by do you shake things up a bit or just do nothing and hope things will magically change for you s both.
PP
(i hope im not coming across harsh ,i asure you i don t mean to if i have.:o )

Bitsy_Beans

Not_Sure_How_I_Feel wrote: »

SORRY LOOOOONG READ -
ANYONE WHO GETS THRU IT ALL THANK YOU SO MUCH

Hi all

I am a regular, however, my partner dips in and out of this site so I don't want them to know I am posting.

Hopefully I can speak to you guys and have a chat about this. I don't feel I can raise this with my friends or family yet...

I have been with my partner for 6 years. We're not married but sometimes talk about tying the knot.

The problem is that I'm not sure how I feel....

I hear stories from other people, friends, family members how they just couldn't live without their partner, they love them to bits, fancy the pants off them etc... why don't I feel like this? After 6 years?!

I am quite an outgoing person who has lots of pals and am always getting asked out and about (not blowing trumpet) but my OH doesn't really have close friends. He has friends from the city he used to live in and a few from work but it's not like anyone rings him up or asks him to do stuff (well, only very rarely).

I know this isn't the be all and end all but for some reason I can't get this out of my head... I've always been someone who feels like I need to have friends around me, and that it's almost a mark of what kind of a person you are. Not just "anyone" but to have a big group of close, trustworthy friends to me is very important....

All of my friends like my OH and he gets on well with them, but when the guys just do things, they don't always ask him along.. I actually think lots of people might find him boring, so I end up being a bit over zealous to try and make up for it... stupid I know.... I mean, what exactly am I trying to do? I hear stories about other guy's friends coming over, gonig out to the pub, watching footy.. etc.. it's almost like I would rather have to deal with 'oh damn he's out with his pals again'....

Even tonight, after work on a Friday there's no-one wanting to go out for a drinnk with him.. I know some other coleagues from a different department are going out for a drink (who he used to work with) and they even mentioned it but didn't invite him....

We do get on very well, I mean I do love him ... but do I love him but am not in love with him?

I know he would never ever leave me and would be devestated if I ever even mentioned this to him so I just can't bring it up. I'm not national in this country so I don't have family here and I don't really want to speak to friends as they know my OH very well and I think it would make things uncomfortable.

I always thought I would end up wtih a big muscular type of guy (I'm tall and biggish myself) but OH is very slender and only just my height, this is really stupid but sometimes I feel he couldn't protect me if we were out and about and I know that's daft but these silly things cross my mind!

Somtimes I fancy him, lots of times I don't.... but he's noticed that we don't get 'all extra marital' (!) that much anymore...

Am I just being ridiculous?!?

He is a loving, caring, generous, truthful, honest, funny, creative person.. so why do I almost measure this on how many friends he has / wha he looks like / his lack of 'outgoingness' ?!? It sounds so stupid..

I am scared. Scared to keep on going and thinking this is how it shoudl be and to ignore the stupid 'friends', 'body', 'personality' thoughts in my head... I just wish he could connect with people more and that people wanted him around them... I look at my friends and they are all best freinds with their OH (I would say we were best friends too) but their partners are fun, funny, outgoing and all have lots of friends, of both sexes.

Or should I be truthful, competely wreck his world and leave to find the grass is not green but maybe brown and dead and I had made a huge mistake?
It all sounds ridiculous doesn't it... I feel very very bad even writing this down.. I feel selfish...

Sometimes when I'm waiting for him and I see him in the distance I don't automatically go 'oh there is he' & feel the feelings I should feel for him after 6 years...

I can't but compare him to everyone and there is no way I am even near perfect at all so what right do I have to do this!

We both would like children, however I don't think I can have offspring and I think I should let him be with someone else who can ahve kids - I'm holding him back especially with all the stuff above...

Thanks if you got to the end of this, I am grateful to anyone who can give me advice...... or just tell me I'm a silly moo and to shut up and be thankful for what I've got!

A big group of trustworthy friends doesn't exist. If you have that many friends I suspect many of them are pretty fairweather and not worth counting on. I don't mean to sound rude but that comments comes across a bit childish - life is NOT a popularity contest and you are making it sound like it is. You are viewing your OH by your standards and if he doesn't have lots of friends then there must be something wrong with him, just because you have lots of mates doesn't mean he has to.
I get the impression that you think he's a bit boring and backing up that feeling by saying no one asks him for a drink afterwards because other people think he's a bit boring.
You sound like you have a list of expectations and he's not fulfilling any of them. Do you think your expectations are reasonable or a bit naive eg the thought that your OH couldn't protect you etc.

If your OH was more like you I am not convinced your relationship would work. It would be like two people competing for the centre stage.

Not sure if what I've posted is of any help but if he can't live up to your expectations and you can't adjust your way of thinking is there any point in you two being together?

xmaslolly76

Your right the grass isn't always greener on the other side, but then again if you truely aren't happy then dont get married and have kids with him it will cause so much heart ache in the end. Have you thought about getting some councelling to sort your own feelings out and decide if this guy really is the love of your life or if your just there because its comfortable and secure. You cant make any decisions until you know how you really feel.

sare_2

I think what you've written says a lot more about you and possibly your own insecurities than it does about your OH. Do you feel people are judging YOU by your boyfriend? You seem to be very hung up on what other people think about him, when it's what you think of him that matters, and at the moment those two seem very mixed up.

Lois_and_CK

When we're not sure of our feelings for someone, we try to rationalise it by thinking up 'reasons' for those feelings. I think that's what you're doing here by coming up with his lack of friends or lack of height/muscles. If you truly loved him then these things really wouldn't matter to you. Few people want a carbon copy of themselves in a relationship. Differences make relationships interesting, especially if those differences mean you compliment each other.

My OH sounds like yours - he doesn't find a need to have lots of friends. I don't think that marks him as a person; he's just content with me and our family. That's who he is and I don't think any less of him because of it and it certainly doesn't make me love him any less. In fact I respect who he is and what makes him happy.

Honestly, without being mean, it doesn't appear from what you've written that you're truly happy in this relationship and you're probably looking for reasons to justify that niggling feeling. I don't think it's helpful for you to tell yourself to stop being a silly moo and just to be grateful for what you've got. If you're not happy, you're not happy - feelings are complex things. Just because you recognise someone is kind, considerate etc etc doesn't mean you should automatically be head over heels in love with them. It doesn't work that way. But what you should absolutely do is have respect for that person and end it if you know you don't want to be with them or that you can't return their love for you.

carmim

Dont shut up, and dont think you are being a silly moo.
When a person feels the way you do, its best to get it out of your system.
Now you can start to sort out where you go from here!

Talking is the best place to start, i know its hard and you dont want to hurt your OH feelings, but its best if you can.

I lived with my ex OH for about a year before i plucked up the courage to talk to him about my feelings, and in that year i felt so lonely and unhappy, and i know it made him feel unhappy to.
I still think my ex is a great guy, but im much happier that i made the choice to speak up and move on.
take care
M

Caseyface

Well just because you want different things, doesn't necessarily mean it can't work, but in all honesty i read that and saw alot of myself in it from a couple of years back.

I'm 26 now but i was with my partner for 6 years too, we had been together from quite young and he treated me like a princess, took me on holidays, was kind, caring, loving etc but it got to a point where i thought....i don't just want to settle for just content, i want more. Believe me it wasn't an easy decision and it tore me up when we finally broke up, i totally broke his heart and even now i feel pangs when i think about how much i hurt him...i mean it's not nice to have to hurt someone who has done nothing except their best for you.

No matter how you dress it up, he isn't enough, as much as he is loving and caring etc and what made me decide in the end was, i thought can i see myself when i'm 40 with this guy? Kids and marriage? I did think yes it could easily happen, but i didn't want to wake up years down the line and wonder 'what if?' or even worse just have an affair and destroy my whole family.

At the time, the grass was not greener. I went after what i thought i wanted and ended up getting hurt big style, but in a way felt like i deserved it for the hurt i had caused.

HOWEVER i am now engaged to the love of my life and getting married next year, we are planning a family, he is my big protective hunk, he's totally opposite to anyone i have had a relationship with before and i KNOW that this is right for me. I'm not saying it's as easy as that, you may not be so lucky and may not find someone again who is as caring and loving etc, but for me, if i had settled for what i had, yes i may have been content but i would never have experienced the kind of intense love i have for my fiance now and for that i wouldn't change a thing.

Hope this helps in some way.

Good luck