Please Help.. Don't know what to do anymore

bestpud

Snuggles wrote: »

Hi there, regarding the friends thing I'm really struggling to understand why you see it as a problem? If your OH is happy not having a huge group of friends, then what does it matter?

I can't understand why this would be a problem for you, it's as though you are judging him by how popular he seems to be. I can only think this is part of a bigger problem, and that if you were happy with him in other ways this wouldn't be an issue. I hope you work it out.

I may be wrong, but it seems to me the OP is embarrassed by his lack of a social life.

It's almost as though she feels it reflects badly on her.

Whatever the reaosn, it says a lot more about her and suggests, to me at least, she is actually very insecure, and uses all her 'friends' as a smoke screen.

Janey3

Let him go, you will end up resenting him as time goes on.

Janey3

Not_Sure_How_I_Feel

Ok...

thanks all for the comments. I do agree with a lot of what you are saying, however, I think what I was trying to say has become construed somehow.

I'm not singularly focussing on friends or friendships, however, yes, I'm not afraid to stand up and say that I think good friendships are an important and integeral part of my life. I value my good friends and would be lost without them, especially as I have no family in this country.

Why is it wrong to ask that my OH has close friends? No, I am not saying he should be like me as someone has written above, I simply find it a bit unnerving that he does not have any friends, and was simply waxing lyrical about it. No, our guy friends do not go 'trawling looking at young girls' at all, they go hill walking, watching & playing sport (which he loves), meeting up for quietish pints & out on the boat.

I do take a lot of what you have said on board and I think the biggest message for me is that you're right, long term partnership is not a bed of roses and it can and mostly likely will become stale. It's working through this and putting big effort into it that needs to be done.

Which is what I will do..... because yes, as I said I do love him very much, and he is my best friend.

And, if I look back after a year or so and still feel this way, then yes, I agree with the other camp on this thread that it will be time to move on. Caseyface vbmenu_register("postmenu_19932857", true); put this perfectly "if i had settled for what i had, yes i may have been content but i would never have experienced the kind of intense love i have for my fiance now and for that i wouldn't change a thing."

So, I just need to find out if it has just gone a bit stale and I need to put a lot of more effort in and see how things go. Then, at least if I still feel this way after a huge amount of effort, it will be time to part. I agree with a lot of you - some peple don't need lots of friends around them and am introverted. I never said he needed to have masses and masses of friends - but to not have any real close friends at all ?

Thanks all for your comments - you really have helped me put thoughts straight in my head.

Pigpen - yes, he is hardworking, but so am I! Didn't understand that point.

bestpud

That seems a good plan to me.

Good luck with it; I hope you both end up happy, whatever the outcome.

ailuro2

Go out on a pre-arranged date with him, and ignore your friends for a night. Agree in advance to switch off your phones and concentrate on each other, and get frisky when you get home after your date. choose something that doesn't involve alcohol.

Just like the days when you were first together.

It might help to phone him at work during the day and tell him what you'll be wearing later.;)

Lois_and_CK

Not_Sure_How_I_Feel wrote: »

I never said he needed to have masses and masses of friends - but to not have any real close friends at all ?

Why not? I still don't see what's wrong with this.

I know a couple who don't have any close friends, never had. Neither are sociable people and are content with their own little unit. Someone once told him that he'd regret having no friends when his partner dies, to which he replied 'no, I'd regret wasting time with other people when I could have spent more precious minutes with her.'

My point is, everyone's different. This couple I know are perfectly content as they are. And if your OH is content with his lot and having no close friends doesn't bother him, then I don't see why it should bother you.

squirrelchops

OH has a close knit group of friends he went to school with..he is now 37 and i am amazed their friendships are still so strong and admire it too.

I, on the other hand have a few friends from previous jobs and Uni but no one I have known for as long as OH has known his.

The problem we have is that we have moved and niether of us has friends in the town we now live in. At times I have found this very isolating and due to the distance we only see our old friends once every 2 months maybe. I am lucky in that I am at Uni so see people who I count as good friends often but it is worse in the summer holidays. OH gets on with people at work but none are really friends.

Neither of us like big social gatherings and to be honest would rather just go out as a couple. We usually end up chatting ot others in the pub...like last night. (mind you is all a bit hazy)!!!!!!! LOL

seven-day-weekend

I have never had 'loads of friends' and I'm now 59. I'm not even sure whether I have ever had a 'best friend' (other than my husband.). Now I live in Spain, although I know quite a few expats, I wouldn't class any of them as my friends, they are just people I know and can have a drink with, I wouldn't confide my deepest thoughts to any of them. The person I talk to most is my husband.

Some people are quieter than others, like quieter and more reflective pastimes, find large groups too loud and inyerface, they prefer their own company or perhaps just one or two other people.

It doesn't mean that they are unsociable or social pariahs. Just that they are quite happy without an all-singing, all-dancing socialising life.

I don't really think this man is for you, you seem ashamed of him and that is no basis for marriage. If I'm wrong please forgive me, but that's what it sounds like.

If this is not the case, then stop worrying about his lack of friends and accept him as he is.

aliasojo

I think you are over analysing. You're a bit confused and uncertain of your feelings at the moment. Feelings can't be measured as such so you're questionning things that are tangible and more able to be measured in your thoughts, like amount of friends, number of invitations etc.

You're obviously at some sort of emotional crossroads just now and wondering if you should veer off the path you're on. Recognise your feelings for what they are, dont cloud the issue by transferring your uncertainties into his 'failings' as you see them and use that to decide your future.

I think you should try to spend less time on the negatives and look for ways to improve the positives. Effort in = reward out. (Ooooooh get me...counsellor aliasojo :rotfl: )

Seriously though, something is making you feel like this. If you put in some effort into freshening things up and you still feel the same in time, then maybe it's time to move on. Remember though it usually takes the same amount of time to recover from a relationship blip as it did to get there in the first place. So it will be unrealistic to expect a quick fix.

westcountrymaid_2

I think you're just a bit bored. Most relationships go through this, I've felt like it many times but I love my DH to bits and wouldn't change him for the world now, we're closer than we've ever been and we've been married for 30 years.

Maybe after six years of being together nothing new is happening in your lives? Things can easily get stale and we can easily think the grasses is greener on the other side.

I don't think you should worry about his lack of friends, a lot of men don't seem to 'need' close friends like us woman . Just because 'good friends are an important part of your life' it dosen't mean to say that they are important to your partner, obviously you are all he needs and wants. I must admit my friends are important to me too but although my husband has a few friends they are not close friends.

Its sounds to me like you do love your partner, go and have fun together, forget his lack of friends, looks etc. and appreciate all that is great about him.