best way to communicate with a non-resident parent?

bestpud

Gosh, seems you guys have the opposite problem to me!

My ex is only interested in seeing our DDs if I am there too (as it isn't them he is interested in :mad:). He has shown no interest in seeing them otherwise, and neither will he no doubt.

I am glad the emails are working ritchie.

Just keep your cool, be fair (no more), and stand your ground. When you are dealing with people like that, it's the only way. If you've done what you need then she has no comeback and all she can spout is hot air.

As for the holiday, I understand you need to tell her but I've never heard of anyone giving all those details, and I wouldn't!

Make sure someone in the UK has contact details and tell her who that person is though, in case she argues she may need to contact you/her child in an emergency.

Have a great time!

Jane2112

Just got to this thread. I was PWC ( kids now 22/20) but I had the same problem with NRP. He only lived a 5 min walk away but would not reply to any letters etc. I kept copies of everything I sent him ( and his sparce replies).
I found the "list of dates take your pick or not at all" method worked very well.
He wasn't that interested in having them anyway, luckily for them.

ritchie

Woes still continue. I have been communciating with ex by email only. She does still not seem to grasp that i make child available to her as much as possible and she gets more contact than stated in contact order. yet ex is still unhappy and always complaining.

i thought i had finally agreed dates and times for contact. I cancelled my half term break away just so ex gets more contact time.

But now get an email where ex has changed the collection times again:mad: Meaning i have to either change my plans again. On top of that ex sent an abusive email stating that journey time using weekend public transport is going to be more than 6hrs (normally 3 hrs) because of me and that they cannot gurantee child can be returned home on time. ARghhhh why the h*l why cant she plan transport in advance and leave earlier if need be.

Apologies rant over from a father in despair. :huh:

mummy_Jay

(((( Hugs ))))

Does you LO at least enjoy their time with the NRP?

I haven't any solutions to this problem other than to suggest you set the visits for next year up front and in stone, so you can both plan your lives round them.

daska

Do you have a residency order as well as the contact order? If so then you are within your rights to call the police or social services if she doesn't return the child at the agreed time. You are also within your rights to refuse to let the child go on a contact visit if you have been told the child won't be returned at the agreed time.

Your ex is a spoilt child and a bully.

We have found a way around the NRP, basically we now insist that all the travel details are finalised before we agree to dates, the NRP then has to book and send the travel tickets to us to prove that they have booked appropriate travel. If they don't turn up by the day before the child is due to travel then the contact is cancelled. End of. In return she can basically have as much contact as she wants. Her problem if she can't be bothered to arrange it in time or book a taxi to meet the train she's paid for.

And a contact centre isn't a bad idea. The child doesn't have to stay at the centre for contact. What it does do is provide a neutral handover and a record of which parents turn up, in what state and what is agreed about return. You then have a respected, independent witness of what is agreed. (Our NRP denied point blank having received letters and on one occasion deliberately read out part of a letter over the phone - in front of her daughter - leaving out the conditions which she was breaking in order to convince her daughter that she was in the right.)

ritchie

daska wrote: »

Do you have a residency order as well as the contact order? If so then you are within your rights to call the police or social services if she doesn't return the child at the agreed time. You are also within your rights to refuse to let the child go on a contact visit if you have been told the child won't be returned at the agreed time.

Your ex is a spoilt child and a bully.

We have found a way around the NRP, basically we now insist that all the travel details are finalised before we agree to dates, the NRP then has to book and send the travel tickets to us to prove that they have booked appropriate travel. If they don't turn up by the day before the child is due to travel then the contact is cancelled. End of. In return she can basically have as much contact as she wants. Her problem if she can't be bothered to arrange it in time or book a taxi to meet the train she's paid for.

And a contact centre isn't a bad idea. The child doesn't have to stay at the centre for contact. What it does do is provide a neutral handover and a record of which parents turn up, in what state and what is agreed about return. You then have a respected, independent witness of what is agreed. (Our NRP denied point blank having received letters and on one occasion deliberately read out part of a letter over the phone - in front of her daughter - leaving out the conditions which she was breaking in order to convince her daughter that she was in the right.)

Yes i have full res order in my favour. Ex lives far from me. I tried to check travel arrangements before but i was advised my a sol that is not within my right, its ex's responsibility to look after child when in their care.
Travel is not the problem i am having. Its ex failing to read emails correctly and keep stating different dates and times to when contact is available, plus being rude and abusive on top.

for example i have said they can collect child at 12pm, but they are keep insisting to collect at 10am. That means i have to change my morning plans (again) they played this game when i said dates when child was available. Its becoming frustrating now, previous legal advice i sought suggested i keep all communication to minimum (which i do) but i have no idea how to deal with their ignorance now.

daska

Different solicitor, different advice? ours said it wasn't unreasonable to demand 6 weeks notice when there's a long trip (250 miles for us) involved. Care while the child is with NRP yes, as long as contact order doesn't have conditions, but how easy would the NRP find it to take you to court? You could consider insisting that all contact is made through your solicitor - yes you'd have to pay but at least you wouldn't have to put up with the abuse, and if she's forcing you to pay her then you might not be any worse off.

When it comes down to it, if you're not there at 10 because you've agreed 12 in writing, she doesn't have a leg to stand on, she cannot demand that you change your plans as long as you are being reasonable and complying with the court order. If she gets abusive tell her you'll call the police. If she's abusive on the phone tell her you're going to record everything she says (machines are easily available to do this but you don't need to have one because she can't see through the phone - and it saved us hours of being ranted at). It's amazing how well behaved people can be if they think their bad behaviour is going to be witnessed...

You have to find the courage to stop changing your plans for her, because all the time you carry on giving in you're reinforcing her belief that she is acting reasonably and it won't improve.

ritchie

daska wrote: »

Different solicitor, different advice? ours said it wasn't unreasonable to demand 6 weeks notice when there's a long trip (250 miles for us) involved. Care while the child is with NRP yes, as long as contact order doesn't have conditions, but how easy would the NRP find it to take you to court? You could consider insisting that all contact is made through your solicitor - yes you'd have to pay but at least you wouldn't have to put up with the abuse, and if she's forcing you to pay her then you might not be any worse off.

When it comes down to it, if you're not there at 10 because you've agreed 12 in writing, she doesn't have a leg to stand on, she cannot demand that you change your plans as long as you are being reasonable and complying with the court order. If she gets abusive tell her you'll call the police. If she's abusive on the phone tell her you're going to record everything she says (machines are easily available to do this but you don't need to have one because she can't see through the phone - and it saved us hours of being ranted at). It's amazing how well behaved people can be if they think their bad behaviour is going to be witnessed...

You have to find the courage to stop changing your plans for her, because all the time you carry on giving in you're reinforcing her belief that she is acting reasonably and it won't improve.

Hi thanks for reply. Did not really want to go thro sols for all info, done that before and its expensive and also sol suggested such matters are done direct as its many times a year, unless there is a serious breakdown or breach.
I tried recording calls, got fed up and said enough is enough hence now use email means i dont have to hear her swearing and moaning at me.

i would be interested in knowing how other set dates and times for contact matters? Do you just suggest dates/times to NRP and its up to them to be there, or do you change plans to suit NRP each time?

lynzpower

ritchie wrote: »

Woes still continue. I have been communciating with ex by email only. She does still not seem to grasp that i make child available to her as much as possible and she gets more contact than stated in contact order. yet ex is still unhappy and always complaining.

i thought i had finally agreed dates and times for contact. I cancelled my half term break away just so ex gets more contact time.

But now get an email where ex has changed the collection times again:mad: Meaning i have to either change my plans again. On top of that ex sent an abusive email stating that journey time using weekend public transport is going to be more than 6hrs (normally 3 hrs) because of me and that they cannot gurantee child can be returned home on time. ARghhhh why the h*l why cant she plan transport in advance and leave earlier if need be.

Apologies rant over from a father in despair. :huh:

Its the last bit that gets my ritchie. this is what adults have to do, think of all the strainstrikes in london people get up at X o clock to walk get buses and any-whichway thats only for work, not even seing thier own child.

I would point out that directly to her, give her notice say 6 weeks, but if you havent heard within 3 weeks, then youll make your plans. If any of those plans involve the child though such as medical appointments, sports clubs etc, she should be supportive of those and fit around them. If she cant manage this :rolleyes: then maybe she will have to move closer- at the end of the day its up to her how she makes journeys shes the adult.

I fear you are reversing your decisions, because she cant do it, to be flexible so she makes contac with the child.Its a sad state of affairs that a parent cant be bothered to sort transport out 6 weeks in advance. Most parents I know would move heaven& earth but there you are. I reiterate a lot of the advice on here about contact centres,, it neddnt cost you anything, you simply need to call them. What about somewhere midpoint - would help with her transport wouldnt it?

You need to draw a line under this behaviour- ENOUGH NOW! She needs to learn she cant pull your strings anymore- and you shouldnt let her:A good luck ritchie

mummy_Jay

For my ds contact was given by the court they gave frequency, day of the week and times, start and end, location was also agreed due to my ds age at the time. This was the time I had to have my DS available for a visit, it was up to ex to turn up, they were non-negoiable.

You need to stop letting her walk all over you, if she can't be bothered then I bet your child would be better off with you during that time. Your are not responsible for the NRP, they are responsible for the transport and adjust thing THEIR diary to fit with your agreement not you changing your plans to suit them.

Don't be bullied. I know its hard but how about adhering to the contact order for 6 months so she doesn't get the extra time just what ahe has been alotted. I know this sounds harsh but either she wants to see her child and stops all this or she doesn't. Whilst she is pulling you and child from pillar to post neither of you are going to settle or move forward with your lives. I could easily see the child resenting the NRP for constantly messing up plans and missing out on holidays, in the near future.

Contact should be about fitting around the childs life not the child fitting around theirs.