best way to communicate with a non-resident parent?

ritchie

Susan_Frost wrote: »

In that case, CSA have said what the payments should be (her to you). So refuse to pay anything and if she will not see the child because of it then is it not best she has less to do with their lives.

She is their mum and only she can be a good mum. You cannot make her into one, however much you try to facilitate the contact.

Seems your child is better off with just you. Your happy being a 100% dad. You are giving dates and if she cannot bother to reply and make reasonable arrangements, then what are you worried about. Get on with your lives together and enjoy it. Good luck

Susan,
thanks for reply. Unfortunately contact is stated within a defined court order, so i do my duty my offering dates and make child available.
I cant refuse to pay, as one time she held time and threatened i would never see child again unless i pay her some money to help her costs! Yes this was an indirect ransom! It would not suprise me is she does the same again, but she does not realise the damage its doing to the child and even to the point of losing trust in all contact matters. I have told them before that such behaviour is not helping anyone but as usual NRO just shouts back at me and does not want to listen.

Soubrette

ritchie wrote: »

Susan,
thanks for reply. Unfortunately contact is stated within a defined court order, so i do my duty my offering dates and make child available.
I cant refuse to pay, as one time she held time and threatened i would never see child again unless i pay her some money to help her costs! Yes this was an indirect ransom! It would not suprise me is she does the same again, but she does not realise the damage its doing to the child and even to the point of losing trust in all contact matters. I have told them before that such behaviour is not helping anyone but as usual NRO just shouts back at me and does not want to listen.

I would have called the police in the first instance and reported her to social services asking for supervised access only, I would then have considered going back to court and asking for the access terms to be revised. That behaviour is not acceptable and as you rightly point out - it worked once and like any spoiled child she will try it again if she needs to:rolleyes:

If she is anything like my children's NRP then no ways of contact will be enough, he ignores texts and emails (except to send the odd snotty one) and never listens to conversations, just denying what has been agreed verbally. I have taken to telling him and confirming by email but that doesn't work very well either, apparently due to his poor memory but from my point of view because he simply doesn't care enough to make the children a priority in his life.

Good luck with yours, at least mine has made it very clear that he does not want the children to live with him and so would not try any trick like your ex has.

Sou

bananachip

It does sound like you need to have firm boundaries put into place about access, who arranges it, who pays for travel etc to stop being constantly messed around.

If going back to a solicitor is affordable then this may be the best option. Mediation may be an option if it is available where you live and is also free but it depends on both parties being able to be in the same room together and both be civil.

Otherwise email is better for speed, you have copies all all correspondence etc if needed in the future. keep all emails to the point and you then have the option of blocking the ex if they ever become abusive or otherwise a nuisance.

ritchie

bananachip wrote: »

If going back to a solicitor is affordable then this may be the best option. Mediation may be an option if it is available where you live and is also free but it depends on both parties being able to be in the same room together and both be civil.

Going back to court/sols is not really preferred option unless NRP wants to, been there and done it before.

Anyway tried giving my email address to NRP as an option - but no reply....how long would ypu think i should wait before i decide to make my own plans for Easter hols? Or should i send a recorded letter to NRP stating i have heard nothing? (a frustrated full time single parent here )

irish_eyes

Do you think you could arrange contact with the other party through a child contact centre? They provide a neutral meeting place (loads of toys for the kids) and keep a record of all meetings booked in advance and all the people who actually turn up. This would show that you are willing to do your part and any 'no shows' by the other parent would be on record. I've put on the details here

http://www.naccc.org.uk/cms2/index.php

So you can check if there is a centre near you. You can be referred by the courts or some parents just referr themselves. Hope it works out.

bestpud

Susan_Frost wrote: »

I am not too clear about what is happening. I feel you are trying to organise the contact dates that ex can have the child(ren).

Why are you struggling and going to such lengths to get it arranged. Sounds as though she is not that interested. Can you not inform her of what is available, state those dates will be held for (say) 2 weeks then be subject to change. Then, yes, using a newly established email address send it out and leave it at that. You have proof. But if I wanted my kids, I would do my best to get it sorted. Just dont get into dialogue. Ignore requests for money, save, but just dont reply.

Not easy dealing with a difficult ex, but what is her attitude teaching your child?

That seems the best option to me. Give her the dates and tell her you will hold your plans until such and such a date, and then leave it in her hands. You could put in an SAE if you want to make it as easy as possible for her.

If she doesn't respond then you have at least covered yourself and can make your own plans.

Personally, I think it unreasonable you have to make plans around her anyway. You are the PWC and, as I see it, have every right to make plans for the easter holidays, so long as you give her plenty of notice.

Does the court order say you have to do this?

Susan_Frost

Richie - she is just intimidating you.

Think - Why have you got custody and not her ? hhhmmmm must be a reason.

A recorded delivery letter gives you proof she has had it. Give a timescale. Then get on with your arrangements. You will be abiding by the court instruction and doing your part. That will be enough.

As said above, if at some future time she demands money for the child's return, get the police involved.

Never mind the verbal stuff. You dont have to convince her or anyone else that you are bringing the child up well. Just be happy in yourself with what you are doing. You dont have to justify or explain. When you reply to her nastiness or engage in any other way than simply - these are the dates, held until .... you are just buying into what she gets off on.

Dont get drawn in. I know it is difficult, but she knows she is upsetting you in the only way she can.

Get the kid an Easter egg and have a nice break.

Get yourself one too !!!

3onitsway

Best way to communicate with the non-resident parent?

:rotfl: For me, in an ideal world - via a medium! :rotfl:

ritchie

irisheyes - no way will i use a contact centre unless matters became very bad i.e. she threatened to hold child in ransom again.

bestpud - i like your idea, only think is as per court order i need to share travel arrangments with NRP and as NRP lives over 200miles away i go via train. Usually i like to book my tickets in advance to make use of the cheaper advance tickets. I think in this instance i need to "bite the bullet" and learn for future school holiday contacts.

BTW avoiding court and sols keeps it moneysaving!

bestpud

ritchie wrote: »

irisheyes - no way will i use a contact centre unless matters became very bad i.e. she threatened to hold child in ransom again.

bestpud - i like your idea, only think is as per court order i need to share travel arrangments with NRP and as NRP lives over 200miles away i go via train. Usually i like to book my tickets in advance to make use of the cheaper advance tickets. I think in this instance i need to "bite the bullet" and learn for future school holiday contacts.

BTW avoiding court and sols keeps it moneysaving!

In that case, decide how far you can afford to leave it and still pay a reasonable ticket price, and give that date as the deadline for her answer.

It is perfectly acceptable for you to need to know your plans for the school hols in advance. As said, you are the PWC, and you may need to make all sort of arrangements. What would happen if you needed to book childcare for the holiday period?

Personally, I think four weeks advance warning is not too much to ask.

If she refuses to return him/her, the call the police - she needs to learn that is not acceptable. I know it wuld be awful for your child, but her behaviour is not ideal anyway, and hopefully you'd only need to do it the once.

Sounds like you are well shot tbh!