Possible dilemma over paternity of unborn baby

galvanizersbaby

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

A friend of mine has quite a dilemma and I'm doing a bit of finding out for her to help her out.

Basically: she is in a long term relationship which was quite rocky a while ago. She found out she was pregnant, however she slept with someone else as well as her boyfriend around the time baby would have been conceived.

She is sure of her dates as in when her last period started before she became pregnant, and using an online conception calendar, we have sat and worked out about the time she would have conceived, depending of course on the traditional 28-day cycle and ovulating on day 14.

She says her and her boyfriend were together around that time and knows they slept together on those crucial days. Her worry is because she was with someone else, just once 5ish days after what would be the date of ovulation, and although she says they used protection, is becoming more and more worried that it could mean that her boyfriend might not be the father.

To be honest I would say that if she did indeed use protection with the other chap I would say given she likely ovulated 5 days beforehand it is nigh on impossible that he could be the father of the baby she is carrying.
If her periods are usually regular she should have a fairly good idea of her average cycle length if she was not taking the contraceptive pill - even if not then considering she used protection I can't really see why she is so concerned.
Unless of course protection wasn't used and she has a history of irregular periods?
Horrible situation to be in but my feeling is that because she is so concerned she is considering paternity tests maybe protection was not have used with the other chap.
I really hope it all works out for her - I can't imagine how she has been able to leave it so long without voicing her concerns

gorgeous_gwen

viktory, I see your point, although in her defence they weren't actually together when she slept with the other person. Not that it makes it any better if you see what I mean, and she hasn't told her boyfriend about it, but she hasn't been unfaithful within their relationship in THAT sense.

whitewing, to the best of my knowledge, no one else knows about this. The other man isn't one for kiss and tell and said he would keep it to himself when it actually happened (I can believe this, knowing him), and as far as I know my friend would be mortified for anyone else to know. Of course, that doesn't mean something won't get said somewhere along the line, so there is always a possibility that my friend's boyfriend could find out in the future.

galvanizersbaby, I had the same feelings as you, upon working it out I didn't think it was very likely at all that the other man would be the father. She says they used a condom, which was what the other person told me also (the things you get to know!) which made me feel it even more unlikely... but then again I suppose not impossible?

Silverbird

In my opinion she needs to come clean with her boyfriend.

It's absolutely disgustingly unfair to him and he's done nothing wrong here. He has the right to know about this and the remote fact that he may possibly not be the baby's father (any doubt about this is his business).

Try to put yourself into a man's shoes ... imagine that you loved your girlfriend and you were so excited she were pregnant and you were really looking forward to it. Do you see how wrong it all is to keep this from him? Try to imagine what it would be like if men were the ones that got pregnant. Would any of us ladies like it if the man had had a one night stand and the baby may or may not be yours, but he decided not to tell you. It makes me feel sick to be honest.

I also feel it's besides the point whether she just 'wants to make sure' before causing problems - tough! Surely a relationship is about trust and honesty, or is that not true any more? Coming clean about this will save any future upset, embarrassment, anger and disruption.

I really hope you can talk some sense into her because I really feel for the boyfriend here.

viktory

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

viktory, I see your point, although in her defence they weren't actually together when she slept with the other person. Not that it makes it any better if you see what I mean, and she hasn't told her boyfriend about it, but she hasn't been unfaithful within their relationship in THAT sense.

Sorry, but you defending the indefensible, in my opinion. If it were so unimportant that she slept with another man then why didn't she tell him that the child might not be his as soon as she realised?

Does she (or you) have any idea how hurt he is going to be if the child is not his? From your earlier posts he is already excitedly anticipating the birth of his first child. It will be devasting for him. I feel so much pity for both these potential fathers and none for this silly girl.

Savvy_Sue

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

Well, I kinda do know because the other person is actually related to me :eek: Must admit it was a surprise when I found out... or not, knowing him! He's a very upfront person, knowing him as I do, and having talking to him about it, he would be happy to clarify the situation, and do his part in testing and supporting the baby if it is his, but IMO he's not in a position where he would want to be more involved than that.

:eek: Step Away From This Situation Now! Keep your hands up and step away ...

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

As for her boyfriend, he's made up about having a baby,

Could you have predicted that? Would you have predicted that? No? That's what I mean about you not knowing how the other chap might react. At the moment it's a theoretical but unlikely possibility that he's got someone pregnant. If that turned into a reality you don't know how things might change.

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

he was talking the other day when I saw my friend about how he's so excited, he can't wait for baby to arrive and all the plans he has for them, and me and my friend exchanged glances... Sometimes I want to say, just tell him, but of course it's not my place.

He's going to find out. It will happen. He'll see one of those glances, it will come out in a drunken argument, the other chap will say something, someone will say "Baby looks a bit like you, Gwen, are you two related?"

It's not my place to tell you what to do, but I think in your position I would be saying to your friend "I'm sorry, I really can't talk about this with you any more unless you want me to sit with you while you tell your bf what you're worried about." I'd let her practice what she wants to say on me. I'd help her write it down. Heck, I'd probably offer to say it for her, as long as she'd be there with me!

I just wouldn't collude any longer in pretending she can keep it a secret until she can find out one way or another. It'll end in tears ...

Savvy_Sue

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

whitewing, to the best of my knowledge, no one else knows about this. The other man isn't one for kiss and tell and said he would keep it to himself when it actually happened (I can believe this, knowing him), and as far as I know my friend would be mortified for anyone else to know. Of course, that doesn't mean something won't get said somewhere along the line, so there is always a possibility that my friend's boyfriend could find out in the future.

So, that's you, your gf, your relative - and you all know each other, and the bf. Then there's the midwife, if she lets out that her bf might NOT be the father or the midwife intercepts a 'look'. And the possibility of it ending up on her notes. And anyone else your relative gets close to and confides in in the future, even if the baby isn't his, something might get said and a whole can of worms opened later.

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

(the things you get to know!)

My point precisely ...

gorgeous_gwen

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

:eek: Step Away From This Situation Now! Keep your hands up and step away ...

It's not my place to tell you what to do, but I think in your position I would be saying to your friend "I'm sorry, I really can't talk about this with you any more unless you want me to sit with you while you tell your bf what you're worried about." I'd let her practice what she wants to say on me. I'd help her write it down. Heck, I'd probably offer to say it for her, as long as she'd be there with me!

I just wouldn't collude any longer in pretending she can keep it a secret until she can find out one way or another. It'll end in tears ...

I think people have made some very valid points here. I do think that she is going to decide for the testing away from her boyfriend's knowledge... As I said, she wants to know the truth, but at this moment in time I can't see that she is going to tell her boyfriend unless it comes to the point where she has some truths to tell if you see what I mean.

Personally I can again see her thinking, not wanting to rock the boat and all that unless she has to, but what worries me is the 'if she has to' scenario. I think she's 99% convinced it IS her boyfriends baby, it's just that 1% doubt: but considering that possibility, I can see it will only make things worse from having held off saying anything if the doubt is a reality.

I also don't think her boyfriend would stick around... Of course, completely his prerogative, and again I don't KNOW this, just from what I know of him, but my friend and him are otherwise in a good place and I'll be honest, knowing her previously, I'd be worried about her state of mind being left alone with a baby. Of course, of course I understand how this is of her making but it doesn't make me worry any less.

carbonmonoxide

She should tell him. He can make his own decision then. He has a right to know if there's any chance its not his.