Possible dilemma over paternity of unborn baby

gorgeous_gwen

A friend of mine has quite a dilemma and I'm doing a bit of finding out for her to help her out.

Basically: she is in a long term relationship which was quite rocky a while ago. She found out she was pregnant, however she slept with someone else as well as her boyfriend around the time baby would have been conceived.

She is sure of her dates as in when her last period started before she became pregnant, and using an online conception calendar, we have sat and worked out about the time she would have conceived, depending of course on the traditional 28-day cycle and ovulating on day 14.

She says her and her boyfriend were together around that time and knows they slept together on those crucial days. Her worry is because she was with someone else, just once 5ish days after what would be the date of ovulation, and although she says they used protection, is becoming more and more worried that it could mean that her boyfriend might not be the father.

I wasn't sure what to say, my initial feelings and then using the calculator tell me her boyfriend is more than likely the dad. Thing is she is petrified because she hasn't said anything to her boyfriend and has no idea whether to or not whilst she only has the doubt or what she should do.

She's a really nice girl and I really feel for her because she wants to be honest if her boyfriend isn't the father but I basically have no idea what to advise her, not knowing much about looking at getting DNA testing or anything like that, or even if she'd need to do that! She wants to do the right thing but isn't sure how to go about it.

What should I say to help her?

Francesanne

Think I'd be arranging a visit to my GP if I was in her position.

frivolous_fay

Looking at your post as an outsider, I'd say that there's an excellent chance it's the B/F's. Assuming the protection was used properly. I'd have thought the dilemma was less about the parentage of the baby than what to tell the B/F.

tiamai_d

Really she needs to see her GP and get a scan arranged, only then will she be sure when conception took place. Conception and ovulation are tricky to work out unless you have been monitering it. For example, if her cycle is always 28 days, ovulation can still happen before or after 14 days. Sperm can live for upto 7 days too, so just knowing when you had sex does not mean you will know when you conceived.

What contraception did she use with the other partner? If it was a condom and stayed on as it is supposed too, then in all probability it is her boyfriends.

However, without a scan she can't be sure, and there will still be the question of whether a paternity test will be done after the birth (if that is what she chooses to do).

Hope she finds a solution to her problem.

simpywimpy

You cant find out the paternity until the baby arrives with a DNA test. We used whozthedaddy.com. Just waiting for the results now....

Savvy_Sue

But you can't (legally) find out the paternity without the father's knowledge and permission, so if she wants to go down that road then she needs to tell him.

If this is going to eat her up, I think she needs to tell him. But I might suggest doing it after relationship counselling: they were rocky, they were on-off, if they're going to stick together now then some help probably wouldn't come amiss. That's how I'd suggest presenting it.

alternatively she needs some good impartial counselling to work out whether she can live with not telling him.

As a friend, I'd want to help my friend access that kind of impartial support rather than advise her myself.

gizmo111

But you can't (legally) find out the paternity without the father's knowledge and permission, so if she wants to go down that road then she needs to tell him.

So when the baby is born tell the non boyfriend and use his DNA and see what the results are. Depending on the results will determine if she needs to tell the boyfreind, unless of course she wants to come clean about the one night episode in any event.

Voyager2002

There's an old saying: least said, soonest mended. So long as she stays with her long-term boyfriend, and he plays the role of father in the baby's life, she should keep quiet. Only if the break up again, and he is faced with paying child support, should she mention her doubts so that the right man ends up paying.

Savvy_Sue

gizmo111 wrote: »

So when the baby is born tell the non boyfriend and use his DNA and see what the results are. Depending on the results will determine if she needs to tell the boyfreind, unless of course she wants to come clean about the one night episode in any event.

Visions of Jeremy Kyle ... :eek:

If the non-boyfriend responds to a request for his DNA by storming round and calling her names, and the boyfriend then takes off because she hasn't been faithful ...

No, I really think that if she wants to go for paternity testing, she has to come clean about why. Who knows, maybe the bf didn't keep his trousers zipped up while they were apart either?

cheepskate_2

Voyager2002 wrote: »

There's an old saying: least said, soonest mended. So long as she stays with her long-term boyfriend, and he plays the role of father in the baby's life, she should keep quiet. Only if the break up again, and he is faced with paying child support, should she mention her doubts so that the right man ends up paying.

Sorry i have got to disagree with this big time.

What you are advocating is let the dad bond with baby and vice-versa and if which is a high probabilty , they split up.

8/10/15 years down the line you would expect to wreck the mans and babys life, how shocking, that people can work this way.

I dont think there is a best way kjto do it. but paternity has to be sorted asap.

kyssyn

Prenatal paternity tests exist but she'd need a dna sample from one of the men. There is also a small risk to the foetus. She should really see her GP.