Possible dilemma over paternity of unborn baby

Pssst

It amazes me how many females are advocating that the long term boyfriend is mislead and deceived as to possible paternity. She needs to tell him and let him make his own decisions instead of being selfish and trying to preserve her own cosy situation.

Savvy_Sue

Unfortunately, I don't think she can check the paternity without at least the risk of her bf knowing, and given those risks, I'd say she either needs to keep quiet or 'fess up. If she can't keep quiet, then 'fessing up sooner rather than later would be my preferred option. I can only echo what Whitewing said, and say again that impartial relationship counselling might be the best way to go.

gorgeous_gwen

Pssst wrote: »

It amazes me how many females are advocating that the long term boyfriend is mislead and deceived as to possible paternity. She needs to tell him and let him make his own decisions instead of being selfish and trying to preserve her own cosy situation.

In her defence, my friend isn't saying straight out that she would keep the secret of 'maybe' her boyfriend might not be the father. What she is saying from our conversation yesterday is that she would rather not create a messy situation where it may not be necessary, i.e. confess her 'infidelity' then find out that her boyfriend was the father all along.

She is saying that she would rather do the finding out herself, with the help of the other person, as she will know definitively whose the baby is then, and if the baby is her boyfriends then she would keep quiet. If the baby turned out to be the other persons, she does want her boyfriend to know, she wouldn't keep that quiet.

Obviously there is the issue of what happens in the meantime, ie should the baby turn out to tbe the other persons and she has held off saying anything, thus her boyfriend believing, as he does now, that he is the father.

It's quite hard for me as I'm a straight-down-the-line sort of person and if it were me I'd imagine I'd be telling all now and facing up to it... but it's not me and I feel like I should be her support, but also point out the issues that might arise concerning any decisions that she might make.

I also feel awkward as I know both her boyfriend and the other person involved. My friend's relationship started off being quite rocky for a while, and ironically it was only when she found out that she was pregnant that her boyfriend did a remarkable about turn, and they've been getting on really well, you can see the difference in them. The other person is a nice man, I am sure he'd help out with testing but wouldn't want to be involved on a day-to-day basis.

I'm going to give my friend a call later to see if she is going with the DNA testing idea, she was going to look into it as well so I think that's what she's going with.

Thanks again, all the responses are really appreicated.

Savvy_Sue

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

In her defence, my friend isn't saying straight out that she would keep the secret of 'maybe' her boyfriend might not be the father. What she is saying from our conversation yesterday is that she would rather not create a messy situation where it may not be necessary, i.e. confess her 'infidelity' then find out that her boyfriend was the father all along.

Being blunt, but she is ALREADY in a messy situation.

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

She is saying that she would rather do the finding out herself, with the help of the other person, as she will know definitively whose the baby is then, and if the baby is her boyfriends then she would keep quiet. If the baby turned out to be the other persons, she does want her boyfriend to know, she wouldn't keep that quiet.

And if her bf finds out that she had paternity testing, even though the baby is his? Given that there is at least one other person (you) who knows both potential fathers, I'd have thought that was a not unlikely scenario.

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

Obviously there is the issue of what happens in the meantime, ie should the baby turn out to tbe the other persons and she has held off saying anything, thus her boyfriend believing, as he does now, that he is the father.

And if she can't establish paternity until after baby is born, there's all the difficulty of arranging this without him finding out, and meanwhile him being in blissful ignorance, and her hormones being all to pot with joy at the new baby, and fear of what if it's NOT her bf's, and all the other normal new mum worries.

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

It's quite hard for me as I'm a straight-down-the-line sort of person and if it were me I'd imagine I'd be telling all now and facing up to it... but it's not me and I feel like I should be her support, but also point out the issues that might arise concerning any decisions that she might make.

Good plan: tell her that you will absolutely not tell her what she SHOULD do, but you will support whatever decision she takes. And recommend that she talks it over with someone completely impartial as well, who doesn't know ANY of them - she may be able to arrange this through her GP, or through Relate (she can go on her own) - but who will see all the pitfalls of whatever decision she takes.

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

I also feel awkward as I know both her boyfriend and the other person involved. My friend's relationship started off being quite rocky for a while, and ironically it was only when she found out that she was pregnant that her boyfriend did a remarkable about turn, and they've been getting on really well, you can see the difference in them. The other person is a nice man, I am sure he'd help out with testing but wouldn't want to be involved on a day-to-day basis.

You see, you knowing both chaps is one of the things that would scare me rigid. It's so easy to let something slip.

You say that his gf getting pregnant has really changed things, and they're getting on really well. I guess I'd want to test that sooner rather than later. If things are going to go back to being 'rocky', I'd personally find it easier to come to terms with that while pregnant than with a noisy, demanding, exhausting baby on my lap. I think.

And however nice the other man is, however much you think he'd help out with testing but wouldn't want to be involved, you just don't know!

One argument FOR the testing is so that everyone can look him in the eye and say "It's not your baby" if in the future he starts to wonder. And same for the bf, there will be no doubt it's his baby if in the future he finds out about this fling and starts to wonder.

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

I'm going to give my friend a call later to see if she is going with the DNA testing idea, she was going to look into it as well so I think that's what she's going with.

Best of luck. You might also feel able to offer to be with her when she talks to either her bf or this other man: she may need some moral support ...

Krystaltips

DNA testing might not be neccessary after the baby arrives anyway... My daughter was born looking so much like the bloke that got me pregnant it was undeniable... (Even if he went round telling people she wasn't his)

Bettyboop

What a situation to be in. Being pregnant is one thing but worrying about who the daddy is, is very stressful indeed. The problem is if the boyfriend is at the birth and the baby is born and looks the image of the guy she will have a huge problem. Sometimes you cannot tell at newborn who the baby looks like but sometimes you can iykwim. Anyway, if I were her I would go and speak to her GP in confidence because whatever medical family history she has is sort of inconclusive for the time being. Hope she's okay.

ailuro2

Could she wait until it's born - some babies look REALLY like one parent then if it doesn't look like him she could get the tests done. It might help make things clearer if she doesn't really want to fess up, but would come clean if the other man WAS the father, iyswim.

gorgeous_gwen

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Good plan: tell her that you will absolutely not tell her what she SHOULD do, but you will support whatever decision she takes. And recommend that she talks it over with someone completely impartial as well, who doesn't know ANY of them - she may be able to arrange this through her GP, or through Relate (she can go on her own) - but who will see all the pitfalls of whatever decision she takes.

You see, you knowing both chaps is one of the things that would scare me rigid. It's so easy to let something slip.

You say that his gf getting pregnant has really changed things, and they're getting on really well. I guess I'd want to test that sooner rather than later. If things are going to go back to being 'rocky', I'd personally find it easier to come to terms with that while pregnant than with a noisy, demanding, exhausting baby on my lap. I think.

And however nice the other man is, however much you think he'd help out with testing but wouldn't want to be involved, you just don't know!

One argument FOR the testing is so that everyone can look him in the eye and say "It's not your baby" if in the future he starts to wonder. And same for the bf, there will be no doubt it's his baby if in the future he finds out about this fling and starts to wonder.

Best of luck. You might also feel able to offer to be with her when she talks to either her bf or this other man: she may need some moral support ...

Well, I kinda do know because the other person is actually related to me :eek: Must admit it was a surprise when I found out... or not, knowing him! He's a very upfront person, knowing him as I do, and having talking to him about it, he would be happy to clarify the situation, and do his part in testing and supporting the baby if it is his, but IMO he's not in a position where he would want to be more involved than that.

As for her boyfriend, he's made up about having a baby, he was talking the other day when I saw my friend about how he's so excited, he can't wait for baby to arrive and all the plans he has for them, and me and my friend exchanged glances... Sometimes I want to say, just tell him, but of course it's not my place.

viktory

Oh what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practise to deceive!

My opinion is simply that she should tell her boyfriend. She has done something quite wrong that could have huge ramifications for so many people. Your friend needs to take responsibility for her actions and be honest with her boyfriend. It is the least she can do.

He can then decide if he wants to have a relationship with someone so deceptive they not only sleep with someone else but is also prepared to let him got through her pregnancy believing he is about to become a father, knowing there is doubt. What a cuckold.

Most unpleasant.

whitewing

I agree with Viktory that this has gone plenty far enough and the BF should be told.

(Although in all fairness, she was actually split up with BF when she slept with someone else).

What an awful, awful situation. Someone at some point, maybe soon, maybe years from now, will tell the BF anyway. (Even if it is his child).