Taking on OH's debt

laurasbump

My OH owes £50k, I owe around £5k. OH is a compulsive gambler. We seem to be coping at the moment as I have control of his finances and pay a set amount into a current account each week.
I've now gone back to work after maternity leave and (with careful budgeting) we can manage on my salary while all of his goes on paying off the debt.
There's one debt in particular that I worry about - £12.5k on an MBNA card charging 29.9%. I've made him call them and they won't reduce the rate. We decided to consolidate some of the high interest rate cards into loans. I've been approved for a £10k loan at 8.6%, with which I plan to put toward his MBNA card.
Has anyone else taken on debt for their OH?
I've moved all of my debt to a low interest credit card - 6.9% so it's much less of a priority than his.
I'm kind of nervous as in my early 20's I naively married a bit of charmer, loaning money to pay for wedding and honeymoon. He left me 2 months after wedding owing £24k.
My OH is a completely different kettle of fish - I trust him completely (except for the gambling problem which he acknowledges) and we have a baby and home together. I'd just like to hear of other people's experiences of helping their OH with debt.
My only reservation is that he doesn't seem to realise how much deep-do-da we're actually in. I'm on this site everyday - looking for new ways to reduce our spending, make efficiencies at home and in the kitchen and earning extra cash. Whereas he still went skiing this year with his friends and seems to think that we'll be flying to Spain to visit his parents this year. I'm probably not assertive enough and should nag him more but he's older than me and I feel guilty because I've been off with the baby (something that I wish I could continue, but there's no way).

Thanks all,

Laura

GeorgeUK

Can't offer any advice from the OH point of view withregards debt, but would advise caution as he doesn't seem to have had his lightbulb moment yet.

Has he looked at a SOA or anything for the household and tried to see what budget you are working to, or is he just leaving all of that up to you as you now control his money?

I think you will need to get him fully on board if you are going to make an impact on the debt and his addiction.

good luck

MrsTinks

NO NO NO NO NO NO

Unless you get a legal agreement set up that if you should split/divorce then this debt will become his and even then I would get some legal advice first before you agree to it...

Otherwise as you have already discovered once - if he does leave then YOU are stuck with his debt. And it doesn't sound like he's faced reality yet - dashing off with his mates on hols and so on... he's not grown up yet by the sounds of it. Please don't risk YOUR future if something goes wrong down the line... you have an obligation to him as your husband certainly - but you have a bigger obligation to your child to protect her future by not risking your financial future... help him pay off the debt by all means but do NOT take it on in your name...

Oldernotwiser

DON'T DO IT!! This sounds like a one way trip to financial disaster - protect yourself, your child and your financial future. PLEASE!!

nova

Hiya, have you actually showed him the figures on paper? Otherwise if you say this,this and this, they say, yeah,yeah,yeah!! They dont really know the reality and seriousness of the situation, l think you're being very kind BUT you need to sit him down, show him the figures of where you are at and get him to take responsability, all the time you're helping him out he will continue this lifestyle.
My OH has no vices but when things were getting tough financially, he did'nt really know how bad until l sat him down and told him.
Hope it all works out for you. XX

laurasbump

Yes I do let him know how much he owes. Every month I check the amounts that we owe and update a shared spreadsheet that we have on google docs. I always let him know what the figure is and let him know what I've paid off that month. When his gambling came to light I printed off his account statements and toted up the amount of cash that he was withdrawing - it averaged at £4k a month - he was balace transferring from credit cards to his current account to fund the habit. At first, the figures did shock him but now he seems to be a bit more relaxed because 'laura will sort it out'.
I get so frustrated, whereas I'm trying to stick rigidly to a budget he comes home regularly with a bag full of crisps, biscuits, paper, etc. I've decided that as it comes out of his spending moeny that I will let it pass but it sort of proves he doesn't listen (or doesn't care!), all the same.
I also get annoyed that he doesn't submit his expenses each month. Using his diary I compile and fill in his expense forms each month. All he has to do is check them, sign and submit to his boss with the receipts that I've sorted into date order and stapled(!!). Each month he could be owed £2-300 on average. However, much I nag him the message doesn't seem to get through that we're having losing out as we're paying interest at 22.9% on his expenses. He submits them every 6 months on average.
I'm sorry that this has turned into a winge. I just feel so alone. I'm usually a happy, easy-going type of person but after months of tearfulness my GP has prescribed anti-depressent, which are helping. Maybe, I should take the loan, pay off my debts and pay for the roof to be re-felted and a new bathroom as we're desperate for both. Thing is he'll want to know why and how do I say to him that it's because I can't completely trust him?! We're very committed to eachother (although he's managed to dodge the marriage bullet) and I love him very much, I just despair that I'm going to spend the rest of my life worry about money and mothering him. The latest thing, is that he wants another baby but only a month ago was giving me a hard time about not being back in work (as if I'm being lazy by looking after my son all day - it's the hardest thing I've ever done!).
Again sorry for the rant!!

GeorgeUK

Hi Laura

Sorry that this is getting you so down, but you really need to get him on your side to help deal with this instead of him just expecting you to deal with it. Does he know this is affecting your health? It sounds like you're more his caretaker than his partner.

I have a gambling problem too and although i no longer gamble, i think i will always have this as an addiction. When i was gambling i did not see the value of money. It was all just numbers and that is probably the hardest thing to realise as a gambler. A few hundred pounds doesn't sound like alot if you have gambled that much in an hour, but when you think in real terms of what a few hundred could buy, it's actually quite scary to see how blind it had made you.

If your OH is not thinking about the value of things he is buying and just expecting you to deal with it all, then he may not have learned that lesson. He has spending money to do with as he wants, do you also have spending money? Or does this get spent on the house and you as a couple?

The next step in his recovery may be not to inform him of how much you are paying in, but giving him some hands on tasks for budgeting and working out the finances. If you do this together it will help to show him the value of the money he is wasting and possibly get him more tuned in to what this partnership is struggling with rather than expecting you to mother him through everything.

He will need to take responsability at some stage and while he may not be gambling any more, he may not be good with money. That has to change. You can't be expected to do it all on your own and he will probably be lost if you aren't there to guide him through it all.

I would sit him down to complete the SOA - just a few little bills here and there soon n mounts up to a full wage packet. Even reading through some other people's SOA's i am sometimes surprised at the amount it adds up to even when there doesn't seem to have been any excessive spending.

It's time to give him a lightbulb and see if he can switch it on.

m0key

I really wouldn't do this, even if he had faced up to the seriousness of his situation. You already have all the stress and worry why should you be legally liable too? I really, really hope you resolve this, but the cold hard reality is he could leave you, and you would be saddled with this debt.

Think if your best mate was thinking of doing this - what would you say...

Pollycat

Hi Laura
I hope what I'm about to say doesn't sound too harsh.

From what you've said, you're making things too easy for him.
He's just transferring HIS problem to you - and you've accepted that burden. No wonder he's relaxed!
You let him know how much he owes, but Hey! So What! Laura will sort it out!

You're on a budget, he's spending willy-nilly on stuff.
You do his paperwork, he can't be bothered to submit his expenses.
You're on here trying to reduce your debts and cut your spending, he went ski-ing.
He wants another baby, but he's been nagging you to go back to work.

You've not said what your husband is doing (if anything) about his gambling addiction.

Laura, what you've said so far is NOT whinging.
Your husband should be thanking his lucky stars that he's got such an understanding, devoted, sensible wife.
I think until your husband has his LBM - both in relation to his gambling AND his debts - I'd be very wary of taking on that loan.
You owe it to yourself and your child.

Regards

Barneysmom

Seems to me he has it so easy, you're being his 'mommy' and sorting out his debts while he swans around and makes it worse.
It's his debt not yours, and you have to make him stand on his own 2 feet.
I wouldn't even live with a gambler, they have no control. It'll take years to pay all that off especially as he keeps running up more debts.
I don't think he can offer you happines.
Don't take on his debts, it'll mess your life up.

Oldernotwiser

Sorry, but "We're very committed to eachother (although he's managed to dodge the marriage bullet) " says it all really! Beware!!