Taking on OH's debt

Lottebear

Have you contacted Gamblers Anon, they will have support network for family. While you continue to take this on alone he will not change.

Please look after yourself and daughter first, by not telling your family you are helping him, lots of people won't tell their familes about their debt, but if they will be supportive and understanding then do it, they are not your secrets to keep.

RAS

Laura

Please do not take on any of OH's debt until you are very sure that he is taking full repsonsibility for his own debt repayments and is getting help for his addiction.

Do you have any/much equity in the house?

belfastgirl23

laurasbump wrote: »

I know that I'm being too soft but I'm not good in confrontation and he beats me handsdown in arguments. It's not that I'm not intelligent enough to hold my own I just get so emotional I can't speak!! :rotfl:

Ok then you need to reframe things and not have arguments. it takes two to argue. Pick your position and stick to it. EG Sorry if it upsets you but I've decided not to take on that loan. There is no reason on earth why you should take it on - it isn't your debt. If he keeps asking about it then go for the broken record technique, just keep repeating that you don't feel comfortable taking it on but you're willing to support him to pay it off. Don't get sidetracked into other arguments, ask him to explain why you should take on his debt instead and at the end repeat that you aren't comfortable. And don't let it become about anything else.

And however unintelligent you might think you are, you're managing a huge amount on your own and you weren't stupid enough to run up £50k debt!!

PS I do also feel if he hasn't managed to speak to anyone about his addiction (I mean including friends or family) he has not properly dealt with it yet...so if it helps you to stick to your resolve, you should realise that by transferring debt to your name you are potentially leaving him with credit 'capacity' in his name if he slips again, at least if he's in debt to the max he can't take any more on!

ILW

Sorry to sound a bit harsh, but I think you need your own lightbulb moment. The bloke is a selfish loser. You appear to be supporting him and he shows you no respect. Get out before he drags your whole family into the gutter with him.
Bet I get some grief for this, but someone needed to say it.

BILLIE

ILW thank you ... you have had the guts to say what I have been thinking all the way through this link. I was married to a guy, who although not a gambler, had no conception of money. I did the books for his business, organised our own finances (so when things went wrong he had someone to blame), ran the home and had the children. Who went back to work full time when things got tough? Who went cap in hand to family when things got tough? It was never his fault. Sorry they don't change their spots and the relieve I felt when I was alone was immense. I have had my lightbulb moment so many times, but am too frightened to admit it on here. Well done to you Laura for coming on here, I so want to but............. No one can tell you what to do, but I hope that you come through it either together or alone. See ILW now it will be me getting the grief.

twirlypinky

Please don't do this! I did it and learned big time never to do it again. In fact, not only will i never take on another persons debt again, but I'll never have joint finances of any sort with anyone else.

My ex H racked up loads of debts, most of it on i don't know (or want to know) what. In his final attempt (while I was with him) to consolidate these debts the back wouldn't lend him the money on his own, it had to be a joint debt (because we owned the house together I assume). So I stupidly said yes.

Fast forward three years and I have nothing, no home, no savings, no husband and nothing to show for the last 10 years of my life but a few wrinkles and a pale circle on the finger on my left hand where my wedding ring used to be. I get so upset sometimes I can't breathe - i wouldn't wish that on anyone. No matter how much you trust him, please don't get into this, or if you really have to, get some kind of agreement like a pre-nup to say that if you split it's his debt.

gratefulforhelp_2

Hold fire on the next baby until things settle down a bit. Good luck xx

applesandredpens

hi laura,

just wanted to send my hopes! Im in a similar situation, im sure OH hasnt had his LBM yet, although he assures me he knows how serious it is! he talks of holidays and nights out, buys himself breakfast and paper everyday!
I was too soft for months and months. I kept finding out little by little how much debt he was in, now i believe i know everything thank god! i kept being really nice and reassuring until i got scared like you!
I had a really stern talk and it seemed to do the trick. I said i would NEVER deal with this again and things had to change. Since then he has paid big chunks off his debt every week

I would advise not to take on the loan yourself, at least not until you know he is serious himself about paying it off, and maybe never. I know it will help on interest rates but it also takes the load off his shoulders and slams it down on yours. He needs to feel the pressure to realise how serious this is.

best of luck, let us know how it goes!
apples

laurasbump

...I'm pregnant. Have had an inkling for most of this week but I didn't want to waste money on a test. However, I did one yesterday and it was positive. Had a blazing row with OH about finances this morning and it looks like he's got his LBM.

I told him that he lives in his own little dreamworld - i.e. skiing holiday and buying stuff, with complete disregard for 'my' budget. I said that I was scared that this would never stop. Am going to bring up gamblers anonymous this afternoon. I just want him to commit to one session.

I got a lot of things off my chest this morning, which makes me feel tons better. We're irresponsible maybe but I'll get through this with my babies. Whether OH decides to make the journey with us is entirely up to him but there are terms that he must meet first.

Thanks for all the advise. I know that there's more coming ;-) and not all will agree with me sticking with him but I want my children to have a father. I also believe that we can deal with the debt and (if willing) we can control his gambling addiction.

We're off to make the most of this beautiful weather for a 'free' afternoon at the beach - have packed a picnic that we can eat on a bench with a flask of tea. Yum!

Jolly2009

Hi Laura,

Firstly CONGRATULATIONS All will be fine I am sure.

Just wanted to wish you the best of luck, what ever you decide to do. Have subscribed to your thread and will keep watching with interest.

It's only natural that you would want to help your OH in anyway, that is what we do. But there are other ways you can do it without taking on his debt and you already are by keeping the totals, giving him a few home truths etc and I am glad you feel better by getting things off your chest.

I'm sure with your determination and hopefully your OH realising the problems re money you will get there.

Wishing you lots and lots of luck!!

xx