Taking on OH's debt

ladybez

Laura, I know exactly where you're coming from, I'm in a very similar situation. I have always controlled our household finances and tried to live within a budget but a few months ago my OH told me he was in a financial mess owing somewhere between 50-60K (I actually think it is more), which he is expecting me to sort out. He wants us to re-mortgage the house but while I feel morally obliged to do this, I have a lot of reservations. You are not alone with this problem and many people on here will, I'm sure, offer suggestions as to how to proceed. x

GeorgeUK

Not a good idea turning unsecured debt into secured debt - sorry, had to say it.
It would be better if he learned how to deal with it himself so he didn't get into that kind of mess again.

epsilondraconis

I'm a guy and I would say that you need to keep this debt at arms length. Do everything you can to help him, but the debt needs to stay in his name.

I would just sit down and be honest with him. Tell him what you have said on here. i.e. 1. You've been burnt before and left with £24k of debt. 2. You love him and trust him and will help him out but the debt needs to stay in his name.

Why not show him this thread?

The fact he can't even submit his expenses claim to his boss after you have done it all for him says a lot.

He clearly doesn't understand the seriousness of the situation as yet. Perhaps the reason you came on this site is partly because deep down you know that taking on all / part of his debt is wrong. I think there are times in our lives where we have to think of ourselves and not give in to what others want.

Keep posting...

dumpy

Please don't do it.

Have you a financial link? Current account, Mortgage or anything?

If you have no link then I'd let him sort out his own debts. Help him organise himself but don't do it for him, otherwise as you have found, he will just let you do all the worrying.

I was in a similar situation, I paid all the bills and asked him to use his money to sort out his debts. He didn't, he just spent more on himself.

We've since split up. I was getting resentful as I was paying everything whilst he had a cushy life and I was worrying abouthis debts and he didn't care a jot.

However because I didn't have any financial links I was able to leave the relationship and I don't have any of his debts to pay off.

At the moment you are still very in love with this person and would do anything for them. I was there as well but a small part of me said "Am I really helping him by taking away the problem that he has created and has to sort out" because of this small sane thought in the back of my head I am now free.

If he was working with you and saving like mad to pay off the money I might have different advice but he sounds so much like my ex........

saveallmymoney

OP - he sounds like a right baby, stop being his Mum.

LilacPixie

To The OP-

If your OH was in recovery from his addiction and had taken responsibility for his actions and appeared truely remorsful I would consider the loan however your OH appears to be none of these things so IMO NO.

MY OH is also crap with money so I have assumed responsibility for the bills.

sarahs999

Laura - you sound lovely. You clearly care a lot about your family.

However, your OH is a liability. He has caused a mess, and he should pay for it. THat does not involve going on skiiing holidays. He has not had a lightbulb moment and you won't help him have one by taking on this debt.

Does he go to gamblers anonymous? Before you do this you need to ensure that he can't run up any more debt. Please dont' think that because you 'have control of the finances' he won't be able to find a way to do it. You have a ticking timebomb on your hands.

I speak as someone very like yourself, with a young family and a husband who has always been a bit of a numpty with money. He has just started his first ever fiull time job (retrained from a musician to a music teacher) and is for the first time bringing in a regular salary - but his years of head-in-the-sand mean he still doesn't really GET our debt situation, nor what we talk about on here all day, every day on here. He doesn't GET how much effort I put in to earning extra pennies, every day, to try and tackle our debts. He's always 'far too busy' and his job is 'so stressful' for him to make any effort (I work full time, plus have my own cake business, plus try to be a mum to our young son). He does still go gigs, but somehow the money stays in his account rather than goes on any of our credit cards. He's quite happy for me to take charge of the finances as it means he doesn't have to think about it. It's something I need to tackle soon (not that I haven't tried; and he is getting better).

Your OH has a huge debt. 50k is huge. He needs somehow to understand this. Gamblers anonymous would help. DON'T sign anything taking on his debt. It can only lead to heartbreak.

BEst of luck,
Sarah

laurasbump

Strong but sound advice. Re-reading my posts I sound pathetic. If it was someone else, I'd be thinking 'get a grip woman!'. :rolleyes:

I know that I shouldn't use the loan to pay off the debt. I get it all clear in my head but then lose the nerve to tell him. I must say that on the odd occasion he will sit down and go through the finances and seem honestly shocked at the sheer amount we owe. We will do an SOA and post. Just after finding out about the addiction (before I went on maternity) we rang CCCS and the recommended a DMP but we were put off by the likelihood that some of the cc companies would ignore and pursue with bailiffs anyhow. We share a mortgage and joint account, neither of which contain much equity.

He won't go to gamblers anonymous. I've raised the subject and he avoids the discussion. He'd be mortified to know that I'd shared this on a public forum but as it's also a big no-no to discuss with my family (whom I'm very close to) I feel utterly trapped.

I know that I'm being too soft but I'm not good in confrontation and he beats me handsdown in arguments. It's not that I'm not intelligent enough to hold my own I just get so emotional I can't speak!! :rotfl:

Pollycat

Sweetie, you don't sound pathetic at all.
You're in an impossible situation, stuck between your hubby's debts and gambling, not being able to talk things through with your family & friends.
It's so unfair on you.

I don't really know where you go from here, but I'll be following this thread to see how you are.

Best wishes.

GeorgeUK

Laura, if you can't get it all out when speaking to him, write him a letter. It'll let you get all your feelings out and let him know just how scared you are about all of this.

I don't go to GA either so there is hope without going down that path. Even if he doesn't wish to join the site and post, it may be worthwhile his reading the ex and wouldbe ex gamblers thread. It may help put things in perspective and possibly give ideas of how to possibly cope better without GA.
http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=1090463

The main thing here is communication and while it can sometimes be hard, it is usually worthwhile. The method of communication is up to you if you want to say something without arguing about it.