Coping with broodiness?

Glen0000

Pauper_Princess wrote: »

Glen, sorry to ask, but what do you mean? Pm me if you want (or tell me to sod off, it's okay).
.

The only way I can explain is that you have a whole persons life in your hands. If you mess up it could f*** them up for life or even risk their life (an extreme example is Maddy Mccain) You might be messing up and not even know it. It is a VERY scary feeling. Take your eye off the ball, even for a minute and their life, your life could be ruined. It is the huge burden that parents carry around with them. A far bigger emotion than "worry".

For example, my wife went back to work and around the same time our daughter started to fail in school. We did not put the 2 together until a few years later and now my wife is full of guilt and worried she has ruined out daughters chances at school. That one action, that my wife thought would help the family, has brought about much heartache and pain.

A GREAT book on this topic is Freeing ourselves from the Mad Myths of Parenhood by Susan Jeffers. It is written for parents, but has some great reviews from infertile couples on Amazon and helped them "get" the other side of parenting and find peace.

xxlaurissaxx

Princess have you considered surrogacy. just think Pheobe in Friends when she helped her brother out. Do you have any sisters? Or close female friends that would do thi and know how you feel? I know a nurse who just adopted a 1 month old baby. She was over the moon as she couldnt have any herself and she knows he will get a great start in life. Have you spoke to a cousellor and explained how you feel?
Another girl I know her mum fosters new borns and has done for years but I suppose its not the same. Why dont you volunteer at an orphanage or foster home. At least you are helping kids like a mum does and giving something back to the community.

xx

Nicki

Pauperprincess - do you know your husband would never look at an adopted child with pride and love, or are you just assuming that this is the case? My guess would be that very very quickly he (and you) would come to love that child as though you had given birth to it. Certainly that is the experience of those of my friends who have adopted.

Could you consider adopting a child with disadvantages - maybe a child with a physical or learning disability? Those children are hard to place, but provided you are ready and able to deal with the situation, being a parent to them can be very rewarding. Speaking as the parent of a child with a serious learning difficulty, I know that I (and my OH) look at her with pride and love every time she accomplishes something new (in a way we don't necessarily with our non-disabled child) and that my husband is also proud of me and what I do for her.

Whatever you decide, I wish you peace with it. We struggled very hard to conceive our first child (for 6 long years) and I experienced much of what you are feeling then. And to be honest nothing anyone said to me about enjoying a child-free life made it any better, and those who jokingly said I'd change my mind if I had to look after a child for a day were lucky to escape unscathed..

elainew

Ive done 6 rounds of IVF and was succesful on round 5. No one unless theyve been there understands the pain you feel when you are childless. Jokes about take my child-they'll make your broodiness disappear used to make me really upset as you would love to take their child!!
Friends of ours are about to have a baby through surrogacy--theyve been to hell and back to get to that stage.
Have a look at www.fertilityfriends.co.uk they saved my sanity
hugs
Elaine x

Claire3121

OMG am soooooo broody right now. Am off my meds now and can safely start trying in april. Am feeling tho that as i'm nearly 36,time isnt really on my side. Just wish I had another baby close to my son,who is almost 15....oh well.....

Liquorice_Twirls

I feel for you both, there is so much loss involved in knowing that you probably/definitely won't be having any(more) children.

I don't think these losses are often recognised by other people, who in the hope of helping try to encourage you to "find a distraction" or "think of the positive aspects of not having any(more) children".

I think giving yourselves time to reflect on what you have lost (or never had - another way of looking at it) might be painful but may allow you to grieve properly and accept that this is part of your life now.

If you are finding this hard to do on your own, a counsellor would be someone who may be able to help you explore your feelings about this.

Thinking about you both x

(Stuff in brackets for those who can't/won't be having anymore children - I think this loss is important and can be significant too)

Pauper_Princess

Thanks for all your replies

laurissa, there is no one I'm close enough to consider asking such a thing unfortunately. Most of my friends aren't even aware of my problem, even those that know my past don't realise the extent of it.

Nicki - my brother and sister both have learning difficulties and I know I couldn't cope with a child that had as well. They're leaving their residential home later this year to move into supported living and that's going to be a challenge enough as it is, because they'll need a lot of support. Thanks for your comment about "escaping unscathed" - that's a feeling I know VERY well!!!! :rolleyes:

elainew - someone else who understands the hurt behind those remarks - thank you! I haven't looked at the link yet - to a fertility-type site? Our problem isn't treatable unfortunately, I'm not able to have children at all.

Liquorice Twirls - thank you for your post. I think you're right in that we/I am still very much grieving. Saw a counsellor a couple of years ago but to be honest it made me feel far, far worse. That's one of the reasons we've not gone back to looking at adoption - as kingfisher said one of the first questions they'll ask is whether we've come to terms with our infertility, and quite clearly we haven't.

Thank you all, it means a lot xx

elainew

The site also has a moving on section so take a look--like minded people and all that

Pauper_Princess

Thanks elaine, that'll teach me to assume things won't it!! Will have a look in a minute, ta x

Debt_Free_Dreamer

:grouphug: Just wanted to send hugs.