Daughter 22

smallpackages

could i also just say that for her not to be working means she is missing out on the social aspect of things and the longer it goes on the greater the danger she may become depressed. it is terribly soul destroying to be on the dole a day can feel like a week. make sure she has routine and is productive

3plus1

What does your daughter use the car for? Is it to help her social life or does she primarily use it to go get your groceries, get to interviews...?

If you are funding your daughter's social life, I agree you should stop. If you're going to offer her money, pay for her travel to interviews, pay for a new suit if she needs one for a big interview and can't afford one... that sort of thing. Don't cut off all her Bank of Mum and Dad funding, but do be more creative with how you give it to her.

How was she at the beginning, with regards to her attitude to job hunting? It can be really demoralising as a final year student or graduate to apply for lots of jobs and get either ignored or rejected by the majority. It might be that she needs her confidence boosting - not sure. Maybe she doesn't care. She's your child, you know her best.

remembered_nights

I'm job hunting at the mo and give my parents £15 of my £43 JSA. I certainly wouldn't expect them to fork out money on luxuries for my jobless butt!

amersall

Cambridgegirl wrote: »

My daughter graduated last year form university and has not yet found a job apart from a few weeks temping at the end of last year. I cannot seem to motivate her to apply for jobs, evrything I suggest to her is not what she wants to do. She has a degree in an artistic subject and wants to work in that area. Although I can see no evidence of her looking for this type of job, she just looks in the local paper, and I think it's very unlikely she will find anthing in the area locally.

She is now signing on the dole (which took some persuading) but at least she has some money coming in. Currently I pay for her car and DH put petrol in it. I now plan to ask her for £50 per month towards her car (I pay £98 per month for it) and I feel that her dad should make her pay for her own petrol. I also feel that this might motivate her to find a job if she suddenly finds she is expected to pay out form her dole money.

Am I being to hard on her, whay do others think?

Cambridgegirl

why does your daughter need a car?

Francesanne

Don't think you're being at all hard on her. She's 22 and not 12. Time she got herself motivated, got off her backside and found herself a job. It might not be easy and she might not get her 'dream' job but there is work to be had.

Cambridgegirl

A lot of people have asked why does she need a car, before she went to uni she had a Saturday job and saved her money to buy a car, she then went off to uni and the car went with her. To cut a long story short, due to various issues she came home every weekend during her first 18 months at uni, originally shw was going to sell the car after her first term but in the end it proved to be her life-line and she probably wouldn't have stayed the course without it.

After 2 years the car became unreliable so we helped her to buy a new one and she did contribute from her savings as well, orginally the idea was that she would take on the payments once she had finished uni and got a job, little did we realise that we would still be paying for it 2 years later.

To be honest she doesn't soicalise very much as most of her friends are from uni and are now scattered all over the country and I do worry about her becoming depressed. What I also havn't mentioned is that she does have a few health issues, nothing life threatening but she has an inherited blood disorder which causes her to appear juaundiced and this is something that I feel holds her back, so she is not really a spolit little rich girl, she is a very sweet and caring girl but it is very difficult to motivate her to get out there and work. One of the reasons my DH persists in paying for her car and petrol is because he feels guilty that she has this condition which she has inherited from him.

Anyway, sorry to go on it's not always easy to talk to people about these issues especially when you work with people who don't have children.

Cambridgegirl

xxlaurissaxx

Dont feel sorry for her - she needs to learn to hold her head up high and be proud of who she is. Feeling sorry for her is normal as a mother, but you arent helping her.(with her skin condidtion and lack of friends)
I was working when I was 15 and still at school. I have learned I need to work and pay for my luxuries. I have my own car, insurance, contract phone, pay my way in my b/f's flat,and a very bad shopping habit I know If I want these then I have to work. I work 2 jobs 37hrs and 12 hrs p.w which is purely my choice.
She'll get to the point where she doesnt want to wrok and will (and can) live off her parents. (My friend is like this and it annoys me soooo much)

Tell her to get bar work or something so she can pay her way and maybe pay for a gym and go to classes to build her confidence and find new friends.

xx

BuddyBonthenet

Cambridgegirl wrote: »

A lot of people have asked why does she need a car, before she went to uni she had a Saturday job and saved her money to buy a car, she then went off to uni and the car went with her. To cut a long story short, due to various issues she came home every weekend during her first 18 months at uni, originally shw was going to sell the car after her first term but in the end it proved to be her life-line and she probably wouldn't have stayed the course without it.

After 2 years the car became unreliable so we helped her to buy a new one and she did contribute from her savings as well, orginally the idea was that she would take on the payments once she had finished uni and got a job, little did we realise that we would still be paying for it 2 years later.

To be honest she doesn't soicalise very much as most of her friends are from uni and are now scattered all over the country and I do worry about her becoming depressed. What I also havn't mentioned is that she does have a few health issues, nothing life threatening but she has an inherited blood disorder which causes her to appear juaundiced and this is something that I feel holds her back, so she is not really a spolit little rich girl, she is a very sweet and caring girl but it is very difficult to motivate her to get out there and work. One of the reasons my DH persists in paying for her car and petrol is because he feels guilty that she has this condition which she has inherited from him.

Anyway, sorry to go on it's not always easy to talk to people about these issues especially when you work with people who don't have children.

Cambridgegirl

I don't think she is a spoilt little rich girl, but I do think you have got into a situation where despite that fact she's been 'away' at uni she seems to be still totally reliant on you for support. It doesn't look like she is going to be the one who will make the first move to change the current situation, so if you want things to change it will have to be you instigating that change!

What about thinking about what it is specifically you would like her to do differently (apart from get a job!) and then discuss this with your husband before talking to her? If you've not got his support it is going to be hard to change anything. If he still wants to support her financially you could suggest he does this to supplement any job she gets - particularly if it is not a well paid job.

If she is registered for JSA now then she will be interviewed about her job search and you could hint to her that it would be better for her to start thinking about her job searching now.

If there are no jobs in her field at the moment, perhaps she could think about what other jobs would improve her chances of her getting a job in her field? Discussing this with her might help you understand more about her 'ideal' job, so that you can then make useful suggestions that could push things a bit further. Just some thoughts.

pinkshoes

I spent 10 weeks living at home after uni, until I started my Graduate job 160 miles away. I struggled to get a job, so had to live off JSA, which I had to save every penny of to afford my car insurance.

My parents had strict rules when I lived at home, and I had to do my share of cooking, cleaning, gardening, washing, and doing the shopping. They paid though. Being kept busy actually stopped be getting bored.

In the mean time, I volunteered at an old people's home, playing scrabble and talking to the folk living there. Could your daughter not get some sort of volunteer work to motivate her and keep her spirits up?

Could you not spend some time with her, help her look/apply for jobs? She's restricting herself by only applying to local jobs. Times are tough, so if she wants a job, she'll have to open up her search to UK wide.

listerofsmeg_2

Could there be any other reason why she's not motivated to get a job? ie: depression...?

I just ask because I was in a similar situation when I was 17. My parents were threatening to kick me out and not pay for anything unless I either went back to school or got a job. Truth was, I was so clinically depressed/bulimic/anorexic I couldn't get out of bed and it got so bad I was hospitalised a few months later. It's amazing that parents sometimes can't see what's in front of their eyes. I think it's because parents love their children and simply 'block out' bad things, as self preservation.

If I were you I'd have a good objective look at the situation.

If she is merely being lazy, then yeah, take her car and don't give her money. But if there are other issues, she needs support.