Financial faux pas and other disasterous decisions

moo2moo

Thanks FF. Just needed to get it off my chest. I've spent 15 years of my life with OH, don't want to throw it all away over an addiction but equally I don't want to be in exactly the same situation in another 15 years. Can't get through to him that all the other problems we have are a direct result of his drinking. They won't go away over night but there would be some hope in the distant future. I don't want to spend my life being yelled at for being me or giving up the things I enjoy so that he has less ammunition. There comes a point where theres nothing left to give up and that point really isn't that far away.

Mags_cat

I'd offer a dodgy hug :grouphug: but coming from a total stranger off the interwebs I dunno how welcome it'll be...

Life sounds bloody rough, moo. I hope you (all) can find a way to work things out. Sitting back and trying to rise above it sounds like a recipe for diaster to me, but what do I know?

x

moo2moo

Thanks Mags_cat.

Having had a bit of time to mull it over (or rather obssess about it for the past couple of hours) I have to conclude that the people at AA have a point but they are rather biased. By their very nature the people of AA are or have been alcoholics and their views would be more likely to be the selfish outlook of the alcoholic rather than their nearest and dearest and so I can quite see why they'd recommend the wait and see and hope approach that would leave everything in the addicts life as normal with the people around them pretending things are hunky dory. Unfortunately I don't think I can do that. I'm not normally a confrontational person, in fact I'll do pretty much anything for a quiet life but that approach doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere either. The basic problem (from my point of view and not OHs as he views this as perfectally acceptable) is that a minimum of two bottles of 11% wine each and every night is too much and the ability to skip a single night for some reason is not proof that its all under control. Knocking back a couple of paracodol tablets as a nightcap to help him sleep is even more concerning.

Problem is hes not your typicl cheap alcohol out of a paper bag wino. Hes just like everyone else apart from having a self induced ridiculously high tolerance for alcohol which is steadily increasing. Six months back he was content with a bottle a night, then it became a bottle and a beer, which became a couple of beers and lo and behold we've reached the point where the only alcohol in the house is a bottle of champagne we were given when we moved in. Apparently thats more because I use the wine rack as a shoe rack than because someone drinks everything we have. Its all a matter of perception. I percieve he has a downward spiraling problem and he doesn't.

So at this point you're wondering why I'm still here. You and me both. We have two wonderful children who see him drink but rarely see him drunk. Hes a fabulous father to them (yep I know you're wondering how). In fact if you didn't see him drink you'd never know he had been right up until the bottom of the second bottle which seems to be just enough to tip him over the edge from a normal person into an incredibly argumentative, verbally abussive person. Once again you're thinking and you're still there because.... because history counts for something. Because I promised to love, honor and obey him and because deep down I do still love him although its becoming more and more difficult to convey this to him on a daily basis. Once hes started drinking he becomes physically repulsive, lecherous, groping and he doesn't know when to stop. Its easier to go to bed at 8pm with a book than it is to spend an evening watching himself drink his way to whatever place it is that he goes inside his head. I'm sick to death of crying. Its not getting me anywhere. Nor is arguing.

Clearly something dramatic needs to change, although I'd be more than happy with tiny imporvements on a daily or even weekly basis. I've had enough of being told that everything thats wrong with our lives is because of me. Because I'm too lazy to do this and too lazy to do that. Because I spend too mouch time on the internet, because free scratchcards are annoying because my penny pinching ways prevent him having anyfun and mostly because I won't allow him to do anything he enjoys. Yep you do wonder if hes talking about a different person don't you but then hes very Jeckyl and Hyde. During daylight hours hes the company golden boy, the brains behind everything, a walking talking genius in his field of expertise and during the hours of darkness hes a total stranger. Sadly I usually only get the shadow man.

moo2moo

So I need a masterplan because I function better when I've got things straight in my own mind.

Operation living with the shadow man

Aim
To be happier than I am now

Method

• Accept that which I cannot change and tolerate it (easier said than done)
• Do more in the house so at least thats one less thing to irritate me.
• Do less on the PC. If it really does irritate him that much I'll be making a point of doing it only when hes not around to object although I really need the outlet to vent at the moment.
• Do something for me. No matter how small. Because I am not worthles no matter what.

rupe34

Moo - wish I had words of wisdom - but I don't. Just so sorry you are going through this.

x

beanielou

Not sure what to say.
I have had many ups & downs through life but havent dealt with this one.
Huggles xxx

beanielou

You know all of a sudden one day you wont be able to live like this anymore.
It happenned to me for a totally different reason.
All I can say is keep hold of who you are.
I agree you need somewhere to vent.
If it wasent the PC it would be something else.

moo2moo

I have tackled the ironing board. Its only a small thing but having applied a very big hammer and a drill to a snapped rivet it no longer collapses at random. Of course its still a decade old with a threadbare cover but its a start. Going to blitz the ironing next.

beanielou

*Chucks ironing over*
More snow here~gah.

WorkingHardDFW

I can't offer any advice other than my thoughts are with you M2M. You've shown such homour, determination and drive in your numerous actions to get you and your family to where you are today.

Lots of virtual support winging its way through the ether to you