Have no idea what to do next very very long....

Piggles12345

Kimmywim wrote: »

so a few days passed and we talked again and i told him i was willing to make the sacrifice for our children .....

at which point i lost it and smashed up his phone, broke plates in the kitchen punched the walls and wrote a really bad word on the wall. that nite i stayed round a friends house and the next nite we tried to talk again whereas this time my husband was really angry and started shouting in my face and punching walls as well - this is so so unexpected from my husband and i was so scared that i called the police, they took statements from us and told my husband to go back to his mums. we decided to have a proper break after that for approx a month and thats when we decided to split the girls half and half.

So you decided to stay together for the sake of your children?

So where were the children whilst their mum was smashing the house up and writing swear words on the wall?

Kimmywim

the same place when my husband was threatening me and punching holes in walls....in bed

tinkerbell84

unless your husband works 24 hours a day, i personally can't see a problem with the grandparents having the kids 2 days a week.

it does sound like you're using the kids/grandparents to get back at your husband.

paddy's_mum

I think you've had a husband with the loyalty and patience of a saint but that you have now pushed him over the edge - I suspect that his love for you has died and can never be resurrected.

What normal man could keep bouncing back from a situation where his love is spurned; his need for physical affection is viewed as something disgusting, repulsive and to be avoided at all costs, unless you are drunk; where you condescend to "sacrifice" in order to work for the the good of the marriage and the family but "go ballistic" and accuse him of failing at the first hurdle when your own words and actions eventually force him to give up hope that you have any feelings whatever for him; where you can lose it but if he does, you call the police on him.

To cap it all, now that they have upset you, you are saying that his parents are not fit to have the care of your children. Why? Are they evil and bullying monsters today when last week they were perfectly normal grandparents, whose help you were presumably often thankful to have? What's your beef with them - that they didn't prevent your hubby taking the children to Emma's house? How were they supposed to stop him? Grab his arm, call the police? ... or perhaps they were just relieved that he has someone he can flee to to find a few hours peace. When you fled to a friend's house the night of the first row, what were you up to? Something illicit or just desperate for a sanctuary? There may be no truth whatever in his admission that he slept with her. It may be his last remaining weapon to get free of a situation that he can no longer stomach and has no wish to repair. It may be that he knows how to hurt you deeply, as he no doubt feels he has been hurt by you.

I'm sorry that you are in this unhappy position but I feel even more sad for your husband who seems to have stood by you through thick and thin and who has apparently finally reached the end of his tether. This is a classic tale of the biter bit and it is tragic that you only valued what you had when it was truly too late.

As others have said (and I suggest you read aliasojo's excellent post very thoroughly indeed) this is no longer about you, your problems, your ballistics, your hysterics, your screaming and shouting, but about doing your best for the two innocent children.

You alienate your in-laws at your peril and in fact, it may be that they are the best people to talk to, assuming that they know and love their son but also love and have deep concern for their grandchildren. Have you any family left that you can talk to to try to gain some perspective during what is clearly an extremely fraught and difficult time for you?

Kimmywim

because they would already have them over the weekend, and the fact that they haven't once offered any support or contacted me in any way has really hurt me, so how can i be expected to be happy to let them look after my children considering how i feel about them, i m not denying them access just not happy with the fact that they would be looking after them on their own for 2 whole days when i am off work and could look after them, the whole point of having shared custody i thought was so we could spend equal amount of time with our children, well if he is palming them off to his parents for the majority of his time how does that work?

obviously I am extremely deluded in all this and should seek extra help with my CPN.

tinkerbell84

Kimmywim wrote: »

because they would already have them over the weekend, and the fact that they haven't once offered any support or contacted me in any way has really hurt me, .

They are supporting their son - i'm not sure i'd expect any kind of contact in this situation. They'd be putting themselves in the middle of a horrible situation. They may not want to interfere.

Kimmywim wrote: »

so how can i be expected to be happy to let them look after my children considering how i feel about them, i m not denying them access just not happy with the fact that they would be looking after them on their own for 2 whole days when i am off work and could look after them, .

because their child caring abilities haven't changed

why should the fact that your husband works reduce his access? if neither of you worked i doubt you'd happily hand them over for 3.5 days every week, you'd nag him to get a job!

Kimmywim wrote: »

the whole point of having shared custody i thought was so we could spend equal amount of time with our children, well if he is palming them off to his parents for the majority of his time how does that work?.

he is, i presume, in work for 8 hours of each 24 hour day. so he still has time with his children on those days, gets to tuck them into bed etc.

tsstss7

Hi Kimmy


I'm glad to hear you have started to sort out your pnd.

I have to say I disagree with post above of course you are going to want your children with you while you are at home..I wouldn't want either of my ds's grandparents essentially stepping in as another parent (whether my lot or his) while I was perfectly willing and wanting to do that job either.

However it's always difficult to change a "status quo" arrangement when it comes to contact issues so it will pay to sort this out now. I would say that if your ex will not shift on the 3.5 days issue (which strikes me as pedantic to the extreme but hey ho) then you probably need to make sure you get one FULL weekend day from that as it makes a real difference to what you can do once children are at school (and playgp etc which I imagine your older one is going to now). Weekends are pretty much the only time you can do certain things and to be honest I would say alternating wknds is a far better way as one day will never seem enough if you are off to visit rellies etc.

Also I reiterate go to a solicitor - they know about these things and as you are presumably on a low wage you may be able to get legal aid (I would check that out at the first appointment).

Please don't take any hard comments to heart - you have had a shock and may well have acted badly but that doesn't mean you are a bad mum.

tinkerbell84

tsstss7 wrote: »

Weekends are pretty much the only time you can do certain things and to be honest I would say alternating wknds is a far better way as one day will never seem enough if you are off to visit rellies etc.

Pretty sure the OP works on weekends :rolleyes:

hippychick1

Kimmy, have PM'd you
xx

tsstss7

tinkerbell84 wrote: »

Pretty sure the OP works on weekends :rolleyes:

well maybe she can get HER parents to babysit then....