Have no idea what to do next very very long....

loftus

emma12345 wrote: »

And get legal advice asap to find out where you stand. As said before don't allow him to walk over you. Find out where you stand. Keep a diary - if he starts verbal abuse again (as he did with calling you 'mental' because of your previous illness) - write it down. But don't ever let him know you're doing it! It might come in handy in the future.

Sorry did you miss this bit....

at which point i lost it and smashed up his phone, broke plates in the kitchen punched the walls and wrote a really bad word on the wall.

There are issues on both sides here - it's not just a case of the "nasty husband". You both need to try and calm down and talk about this in a neutral venue, decide if there is anything to save and, if not, how things will move on to make things easier for the children.

emma12345

Loftus, I think most people male or female would have some justification in 'losing it' temporarily if they had just been told they their other half had slept with someone else. The question is the cruelty the husband seems to be displaying now with regards to taking the children away.

But I agree, whatever her feelings this should be discussed calmly and rationally for the sake of the children. It won't be easy if one side is being unreasonable and threatening to take the children because of her past history. She may have to get a neutral friend to sit in if that's the case as he probably won't be so keen with the insults with a witness present.

It's not easy and I wish the OP and her family well.

swiss69

The fact you hadnt slept together for 3 years indicates that this relationship was over and whilst he should have had the bottle to end it before sleeping with someone else I think it is inevitable that one party will do this in situations like this due to lack of affection from the other. Affection in one form or other is a basic human need and people who dont give any run the risk of this happening. Women to a degree are more likely to bring it up and talk about it if they are not getting enough affection but if the boot is on the other foot men are much more likely to bury their head in the sand and say things like "It doesnt matter" when clearly it does!

I agree that he shouldnt be taking the kids to the other womans house though as its just very confusing to the kids.

I think the best bet now is to try to talk about this like adults, come to acceptable arrangements and not bring emotions into it. Quite often angry feelings are sparked by Jealousy rather than a particular desire to be with that person again.

aliasojo

OP, through no fault of your own, I suspect you haven't been the easiest person to live with over the last 2-3 years and your husband had reached the point where he had had enough of all the issues and stress and needed to feel better himself. I dont agree with his infidelity, but I can completely understand why he did it. I think perhaps being told you would 'make the sacrifice' to give the marriage a go was a bit of a kick in the teeth for him considering the sacrifices he had made during those less than happy years.

I dont think this is a situation where one party is necessarily more to 'blame' (awful word ) than the other tbh. The quicker both of you accept you both did things (whether intentionally or unintentionally) that caused problems, the quicker you can deal with it and learn how to move on and become the sensible people you need to be for your daughters.

My gut feeling is that you shouldn't make an issue of the Grandparents, you said you 'didn't want them looking after them now, after what has happened'. That sounds like an emotional reaction rather than a thought out one. I think it's all still too new and you're still reeling a bit so you really shouldn't make too many firm decisions whilst you're so upset. You wont be doing yourself any favours by alienating them ..... far better to keep them on your side by being reasonable about their involvement.

(Btw, I personally dont think saying the Grandparents can see them at your house is being reasonable.)

I also wonder if your husband is scared you are very emotional and might become really low again through all this and thinks he's doing his best for the kids by wanting to take them to his parents and he sees your refusal as just unreasonable, which is why he's doing the old emotional kneejerk anger reaction thing?

I think you both need to talk, talk and talk some more, but you BOTH need to be strong enough to put your upset and anger to one side, otherwise the only people you will hurt are your girls.

Good luck.

loftus

emma12345 wrote: »

Loftus, I think most people male or female would have some justification in 'losing it' temporarily if they had just been told they their other half had slept with someone else. The question is the cruelty the husband seems to be displaying now with regards to taking the children away.

But I agree, whatever her feelings this should be discussed calmly and rationally for the sake of the children. It won't be easy if one side is being unreasonable and threatening to take the children because of her past history. She may have to get a neutral friend to sit in if that's the case as he probably won't be so keen with the insults with a witness present.

It's not easy and I wish the OP and her family well.

She didn't "lose it" when he told her he had slept with someone else. She lost it when he said he didn't want to try again having been told before that his wife didn't love him physically and that she would make a sacrifice for the children - implying that she still didn't love him in that way.
There are many many women who suffer from DV (and some men) but we shouldn't start throwing it around in every post.

Kimmywim

thanks guys for all your words of advice I guess I am just still so shocked and angry - my main issue is why should I let him have the children for half the week when for 2 whole days out of the 3 and a half that he wants with them he is just going to dump them on his parents? surely they will be better with there mother? And his parents would see them solidly for 2 days and 2 nights because he is currently living with them?

*Chattie*

I noticed previously you went for anger management yourself so perhaps you need to follow up on that? As regards who should have the kids you said yourself you couldn't look after them when you were upset so perhaps your husband realises this and that is why he wants to have the children half the week? You say this is your main issue, it really shouldn't be as your main issue should be making sure the children have a peaceful home life no matter where that is.

tsstss7

Kimmy

The first thing you need to do is make sure that emotionally you are able to look after the kids. I agree with you that it seems silly for him to take the kids just so that the grandparents can act in loco parentis but if you seem less able to look after them he will consider himself (and so would many others) justified in this action.

If you need to (and be honest with yourself here) got to your doctors and tell him/her what has happened recently and see if you can get councelling or maybe even a short course of anti-depressants. The fact that you are trying to fix the problem will go in your favour in court if it comes to that.

Don't rely on your ex to act in a way you consider reasonable. He has had a far longer time than you to get used to the idea of you two splitting up and will not be as emotionally tied to you as he was. This will enable him to focus on what he wants for the future without regard for your feelings because to him they are entirely unimportant. The only thing you can do is try VERY hard to stay on an emotional even keel for the sake of your children because as he has already indicated he will use that against you in future negotiations.

I'm not sure I understand the contact issue entirely however - I take it you are no longer working during the week and so feel that the kids should stay with you during this time?

As the girls are so young I would tend to agree with you that a boomerang living arrrangement would not be in their best interests as stability is particularly important before the age of 5...I would consult a solicitor with regard to this issue asap as you need to get this sorted before it impacts upon them. Ask around for the name of a good one ..it'll make all the differnce.

hth tss.

Kimmywim

i am on a course of mood stabilisers and anti depressants and am currently having counselling so am trying to help myself - i couldn't pysically look after the children at that tome because i was hyperventilating and being sick because he had jsut told me he had slept with someone - am fine now! just upset

Becles

Kimmywim wrote:

he said that if i started demanding things that he would go for single custody and that he would win because i am "mental" how true is this?

Sorry to hear of your problems. This comment caught my eye.

My ex did said exactly the same thing to me and claimed he would take the children off me as I'd had PND. The courts won't take your children off you if you have PND, unless it's so bad that the children are at risk from your actions. Just let it wash over your head and ignore him when he says horrid things like that.

Take care and hope everything works out for you xx