Have no idea what to do next very very long....

paddy's_mum

Kimmywim - whether or not you feel you can afford it, you are going to need good legal advice, not least because of the financial position regarding the house. Should that get repossessed, plus the outstanding debts, you may have no options about what days you work or whether you and your husband can agree childcare or access.

Would he go with you to your nearest regional Shelter office or CAB?

Shelter may be a good first step for you

nixinix

Kimmywim,

I have no experience of things like this and I fully sympathise (I have a 3 1/2 year old and 2 year and cannot imagine how they would cope with this situation.) it must be really difficult for you.

Your children are obviously your number one priority and also they are your husbands number one priority. You both have many years ahead of you of having 'shared childcare'.

I know this is difficult but for the sake of your children you need to seperate your emotions - between 'husband' (when you rant and rave etc but NEVER in front of the kids) and 'Father to your children' (when he is the best daddy in the world) (ALWAYS in front of the kids!). Of course your husband has to do the same - you still need to back each other up 'Daddy's right/Mummy's right etc etc'

I know this is difficult and you are really hurting and have another million issues going on but if you get this right with your childrens dad now- i.e. sorting out the childcare - then hopefully you will save your children from a lot of hurt and confusion.

Maybe you could suggest a compromise. As you now don't work weekdays could you have the children for ONE extra night - e.g. They go to his parents on Friday morning and then they have the benefit of seeing their grandparents during the day and then have their dad when he gets home from work and all of the weekend as well. All then your husband is missing is one night (I think) but his parents still have involvement. I think if you go at this like a bull in a china shop by saying "NO WAY" very loudly everything will become so much harder for you and it will all be a battle. So offer a new solution, such as mine above. (You can always make arguments for changing the rules again later - to disruptive to schooling etc etc but for now I think it is important to make the peace and be civil for your children and future relationship with the Father and Grandparents of your children.) You need to do all this calmly though and 'like adults'. If you can't do this yet then I would suggest you leave things alone at the moment in case things get said that can't be undone.

Also as the above post says can you afford not to work during the week?

I know this is a long reply and I apologise just having children of a similar age I am worrying about them but they need stability ASAP (which also means your stability)they will have picked up on everything and you need to give them a routine VERY quickly for their sake, even if it is one you aren't happy with.

(I am not sure I could be strong enough to do this but I know this is the right thing to do.)

Good Luck, here's to a new start and wonderful 2009! Things can only get better surely!!
xx

peachyprice

tsstss7 wrote: »

well maybe she can get HER parents to babysit then....

Ouch, her problems escalated when her mum died

Kimmywim

hi guys,

well thanks for all your responses.

I have decided that for the time being we will stick to our original agreement of having the children for half the week, I'm still not happy about it but I figure its probably for the best. Am just hurting a lot right now. Eldest daughter will be starting school in september and youngest will go to a nursery full time to enable me to do more hours, at this point my husband will have to have the children at weekends as he lives an hour away and i cannot expect them to be ferried halfway across the county on a weekday. I can live with 9 months of this, I spose he will have to put up with 13 years of weekend visits.

Sorry if i have got everyones backs up.

Tinka21

I have just read this thread and seen all the comments made so thought I might just add to what other people have said.

I went through something similar when my DS was born as me and my Partner had split up while I was pregnant. We kept talking about getting together again but it never happened. Then when our son was born (and i literally had just given birth) I found out my ex was seeing someone else and she was probably the reason he had left in the first place.

I was very angry as he had been talking about trying again yet he was sleeping with someone else and texting her throughout me giving birth to his son!

Anyway he tried to be very difficult in those first few months and I admit so did I. I tried to refuse access and he said he would go for sole custody and his dad was backing him with it and paying for a solicitor for him. He also said he was going to force me out of our joint house and smash all the windows etc...

The best thing I did was go to the solicitors as well and with most you get a free half hour and I did qualify for legal aid while i was on maternity leave.

The solicitor made me see clearer on what was happening and even phoned his solicitor while i was there to confirm that he had been to the appointments, it turned out he hadn't and he had been making most of it up!

My advice would be to go and get your free half hour with a solicitor as it will make you feel much better and they can probably arrange mediation for you both to help you sort out the access etc...

Good luck x xx

Mely

Hi Kim...ive read through all the posts on this thread. Im so sorry for what has happened. But i think that you have made the right decision. Good luck and all the best for the future ((((hugs)))) xxxx

tootiefrooties

Hi Kim

I've just read this thread and thought I would share my opinion in case it helps at all.

Although it sounds as if your relationship is over, and probably for the best, you should count backwards through the stages which ended it, and hold those thoughts rather than doing anything spiteful or stopping the kids seeing their family (it's hard enough having your parents split, so the rest of the family should remain as a stable unit for them)

* The reason you're so angry with him and so sure that it's all over is because he slept with someone else, and you think "How could he do this?" ...

* His answer would probably be - as you said - because you rang the police, putting him in a frightening position where he could lose his family, and that you're quite happy to do that to him. He was probably wondering "How could you do this?"...

* Your answer would probably be that you were frightened, for yourself and the children. This is totally fair; violent behaviour should never be condoned. However, there was a reason that he thought it was acceptable...

* Previously, YOU were the one screaming and hitting walls whilst the children were in the house. This is serious double standards. But your reason for being this upset in the first place...

* Your suspicions about him flirting with another woman (and it seems that's all it was, if he said he only slept with her after the police incident). This must have been hurtful, but be empathetic and imagine why he was seeking to feel attractive at work...

* You don't have a sexual relationship and he doesn't even feel that he can even kiss you. After two years this would take its toll on anybody, and naturally, they would want to feel that they aren't repulsive. But you do have a reason for not being close to him, especially sexually...

* The reason seems to be that your mum died just before the birth of your child. This must have been horrendous for you, I can't even imagine it. And the reason for this happening was...

* Well as far as I know, you haven't said otherwise, your mum dying was nobody's fault. Death is the saddest thing, and the timing was awful, and it's going to hurt. But this seems to be where it all started, and nobody could help it. It's good that the two of you had relationship counselling - perhaps bereavement counselling nearer the time would have helped you, and the previous events may not have happened.

I just want you to see that either both of you - or neither of you - are behaving unreasonably. You each caused each other's actions and although you don't want to be together now, you both want your children to be happy - please remember that's the most important thing.

Good luck moving on and finding ways to be happy in your life

aliasojo

Kimmywim wrote: »

Sorry if i have got everyones backs up.

You haven't, I promise you. I'm sorry if you felt that.

Often when people are in the thick of an unhappy situation, their emotions are running so high that they cant see the wood for the trees. Replies that might sound as if they are against you, aren't really, they are just trying to focus on the facts more than the emotion. We're not involved so it's easy to offer more of an objective view than maybe you would have.

It was clear you were thinking with your hurt feelings more than your head and that's what we tried to get across to you.

I think you still feel wronged, which is why you have issues with the Grandparents not getting in touch or supporting you. Their loyalty and concern lies with their son, which is the way it should be. As far as I understand it, his part in all this only came about after years of being in a less that happy marriage.

Fast forward twenty years and imagine your daughter in a marriage where she has supported her husband for 2 or 3 years through upset and depression, mental health issues and has had no loving intimacy throughout it all. Her husband shouts and screams at her and the children. Life is very stressful. She gets to the point where she's thinking 'there must be more to life than this' and she deperately needs to feel the kind of closeness to another human being that sex can bring. She's at a low ebb herself and finds some respite with someone who she feels relaxed with and ends up sleeping with him. Her husband hits the roof and tears strips off her. She too erupts and decides she's had enough of always putting herself last, she needs to feel alive and loved again. She feels that the love she had for her husband has withered over the years and it can't be brought back, so she's decided to leave.

What are you as her Mother going to do? Are you going to support your daughter as you can understand her and see why she has done what she did? Or do you support her husband whose behaviour has made life difficult for years? I think most of us would support our daughters, whilst trying to not interfere. Which is all the Grandparents are doing, I think.

I know this is horrible for you and there's probably a lot more to the situation than just what's in your posts, but that's all we have to go on and we have to reply based on what's written. Lots of us on here have had break ups/divorces etc for lots of different reasons and no-one wishes that kind of pain on anyone. We certainly dont want to give anyone a hard time about it all so I'm sorry if you think you've put our backs up.

In my experience, the best way to cope and move on is to try very hard to ditch the emotion and deal with things with a cool head. Someone above mentioned perspective....I think that's exactly what you need but I know it's hard to be emotionally detached when your heart is in your mouth half the time and you are living on sheer nervous and tense energy. The thing is though, that's what your girls need. They dont need emotion and bickering and disputes, they need calmness and reason.

I hope you feel more settled soon. Remember that nothing is carved in stone so situations can be changed in the future, and mediation is always a helpful backup.

racer256

Just wanted to give you a big HUG! Your not mental and you are trying to help yourself. I would get a free 30 min session with a solictor!