Have no idea what to do next very very long....

Kimmywim

Oh my gosh i must apologise because this is going to be so so long....

Anyway so basically my husband and I have been married for 4 years together for 7 we have 2 little girls aged 2 and 4, at the moment my husband has been sleeping at his mum and dads for the last 3 weeks as we had a massive arguement and he went to live there for a bit, at present the girls are staying half the week at their nans with their dad which enables me to work 3 days a week and half the week with me.

So how it all started 3 years ago our sex life was practically non exixtant, the last time we had sex apart from a couple of times recently was the day that our youngest girl was concieved( and she is now 2). in the beggining our sex life was amazing but its just dwindled away into nothing, i have absolutely no desire for sex at all and the only reason that we have had sexc recently is because we were both very very drunk. Anyway 5 days before my youngest was born my mum passed away suddenly which was obviusoly very hard to deal with and I am only just getting over it now, there have been a lot of issues over this for example i have only just laid my mum to rest recently because her ashes were stuck in a funeral parlour for over 2 years. I started to have some sort of mini breakdown I guess and i would shout and scream at the children and my husband and wish that i was dead or that i wasn't a mum, I was referred to local mental health unit as an urgent case in march time because i was just at my lowest ebb ever, before that we were going to relate to have pyschosexual counselling to see if we start having sex again, and was also having some other counselling to try and deal with my grieving issues over my mum. So when I was reffered to MHU they prescribed me 2 lots of tablets - citalopram and tegretol, I started taking these religiously but after a few months i just couldn't remember to take them anymore. All the while i wa growing more and more apart from my husband- not wanting any kisses/cuddles for fear of it leading to sex but he always always told me it wasn't a problem, and that he understood, that he didn't need sex.

So anyway 3 weeks ago when it all kicked off my husband was acting very suspiciosuly - deleting text messages and call lists and having a shower straight after work ( which he never ever does) and one evening in particular i came home from a pub quiz about 11pm and he got a text message, so i said "oh who's that?" and he was like "oh I don't know" i had to ask him 3 times who it was, i wouldn't have ben bothered normally apart from the fact that it was really late and i was woried something had hapened. so anyway he said oh its just this girl from work, so immediately my hackles were up as why would a girl from work want to text him that late? so in the morning i got up really early before he woke up and checked his phone where he had deleted all his messages and call lists (why would you do that?) so i test this girls contact Emma to my phone cos i was so angry i wanted to call her and see what was going on. unfortuanatly he caught me doing this and accused me of not trusting him and that we would discuss this that nite when he came home. he came home and started talking and asked me wether i loved him, i thought about and said i don't love you in the way that you want i.e physically. and he said he was shocked and he knew all along, so he said he would stay at his mums for the weekend to give me time to think about what i wanted.

so a few days passed and we talked again and i told him i was willing to make the sacrifice for our children and give our marriage a go, whereas he turned round and said he didnt want to and that he was leaving!!! i started to go ballistic and said why the hell don't you want to work at this relationship, you have given up at the first hurdle! then he said that he didnt love me anymore, at which point i lost it and smashed up his phone, broke plates in the kitchen punched the walls and wrote a really bad word on the wall. that nite i stayed round a friends house and the next nite we tried to talk again whereas this time my husband was really angry and started shouting in my face and punching walls as well - this is so so unexpected from my husband and i was so scared that i called the police, they took statements from us and told my husband to go back to his mums. we decided to have a proper break after that for approx a month and thats when we decided to split the girls half and half.

so yesterday we agreed that enough time had passed and that we would talk again to both sort out what we were going to do, so anyway for hours and hours i begged and begged him saying that i di love him, almost losing him made me realise this and that i would do anything to change anything at all, he said it wasn't enough it would never go back to the way it was before and it was too late. i said well why the hell wont you give this a chance you won't know untill we try, then he told me the bombshell that he had slept with this girl emma, the day after the epolice was called because he was so angry!! i was absolutely devastated and was hysterical and being sick and i said please can you take the girls because i cannot look after them in this state. so he took the girls . in the night i tried to ring again and again but it would not answer until finally he answered 9 o clock this morning and i said why didn't you answer my calls and he said i didnt stay at home and i said well where did you go, he said it doesnt matter, i said yes it does matter as i need to know where my children were last nite, anyway you guessed it he took them to emmas house! i mean how the hell did he have the audacity to do that?

so all today we have been phoning eachother and i have organised to only work weekends so he can look after the children then and i can have them in the week, however he wants them half the week still, but i am sorry but i am notletting his parents look after the for 2 whole days whilst he works because i do not want them looking after them now after what has happened. where do i stand on this? he said that if i started demanding things that he would go for single custody and that he would win because i am "mental" how true is this? also we mortgage our house and he wants to sell the house whereas i don't, we owe 90000 on a property thats probably worth 120000 but we have 30000 of debst so any equity would pay these debts off, he is saying that he can force a sale on the house..can he do this?? i am just so lost , angry upset and confused and really don't know what to do, have tried speaking to CAB but they are always busy and theres no way i can afford a solicitors - the whole thing is such a mess.


please please help me.

aplogies for any typos/errors/text speak am crying as i type this
x

tinkerbell84

I was sorry to read your post and didn't want to read and run. I'm not sure what kind of responses you're looking for - you say that yesterday you were begging him to come back and the next you are asking about selling your house and access.

It doesn't sound like your husband wants to try anymore - you say you've been ill for a couple of years and it sounds like he has had enough. So his moving on may not be as sudden as it seems.

I don't think it's fair that you deny his parents access to your children because you aren't happy with him being with someone else. Children aren't gaming chips and shouldn't be used to score points. You agreed to split access and I personally think you should stick to that.

You do need legal advice about the house and access - wouldn't you be covered by legal aid?

Kimmywim

hi tinkerbell thanks for replying,

i begged and begged him to come back before i realised that he had slept with someone else so now i have realised that i dont want him anymore if he can do that to me

the whole parents thing, i am not denying access to them they can come over here and see them whenever they want and of course when my husband has the girls over a weekend they will be staying at their house anyway, but for my husband to say that he wants tham for the half the week but then palm them off to his parents for half of that time i dont think its fair, and why should they look after them if i don't want them too? i just don't want them looking after them i don't mind them seeing them.

legal aid hadn't thought of that! my heads such a mess

tinkerbell84

do his parents want to look after the children?

Kimmywim

tinkerbell84 wrote: »

do his parents want to look after the children?

ys if they had there way they would want to look after them all the time

MrsTinks

Honestly? I think you need to take a couple of deep breaths and realise this has probably been a long time coming. He may have slept with someone after you had the bust up but whether he has or not there is one over riding factor here...
YOU HAVE KIDS!
Stop trying to fight with each other. You have some issues you need to work on and that's ok - who doesn't! But right now you have 2 little girls who need BOTH of you to be responcible and think about what you do... if both of you fly off at eachother every time you speak then don't speak directly but get a "go between". If you fall out for good right now both of you are making a much harder future for your children. If mummy and daddy can't get along at all then you will always be fighting each other for custody and their affection. My parents divorced and to this day have remained civil and even friends. They never argued to my knowledge or did so away from me as a small child at least... although I in later life learned that my father certainly had plenty of reason to be un reasonable. He never was. Because he wanted me to have a mum and a dad and to never see them argue even if that meant 99% of the time never in the same room... (yeah it took me YEARS to work that one out... )

So instead of arguing about access and where they are so long as they are safe... take a deep breath and push your feelings about him aside for a second and think about the children...

You should still get legal advice about the house and access if you still feel that strongly about it after having a chance to calm down a little...

robster1964

Hi Honey,

I am so sorry that you are going through this, especially at this time of year.

You have a long way to go, to try and make sense of this mess, and you will need lots of support.

Things are still raw at the moment, & it will take a while to see a clear way forward. Don't let him threaten you, re custody & try not to do it to him.

The 'Rebuilding our Lives' thread tells the story of quite a few girls going through break -ups. They have all got a lot of great practical advice and support for each other. I suggest you try to calm down (I know its hard) & ask those girls for a bit of advice. They are a lovely bunch, chick & I think you need a friend.

Try to stay calm, problems are not unsurmountable, these things happen in relationships every day.

Take care

Robster xx

pinkshoes

This isn't a competition of who's done what! There are two children involved here.

Firstly, I think you need to calm down and sort yourself out, as you're obviously very upset over this.

Just because he slept with someone else, it isn't the end of the relationship. I know he said he was "fine" with no sex or physical contact, but he might have just said that to support you. To go through all that, and then have you turn round and say you don't love him in that way probably really hurt him, so he went out and did something stupid as he was no doubt really hurt.

The two of you need to speak calmly to each other, preferably on neutral territory, with a 3rd person present. Would counselling be worth a try? You've both hurt each other, so are both upset, and things might seem clearer with some help.

simpywimpy

I'm really sorry to hear of your upset.

It does sound as if it's been coming a long time as previously said but don't allow yourself to be walked over. Can you ask him to wait until the New Year and then sit down and talk about it with someone else there to stop it getting out of hand?

As for using your mental illness against you, that was a low blow but probably just said with the emotion of the situation. If you are well now which you seem to be, there is notway it should be used against you for custody I'm sure.

Good luck with it all and stay strong if you can. There are loads of people on MSE who can listen at any time of the day or night. You are never too far from a listening ear. ((hugs))

secretary192

Hey Kimmywim,

Im really sorry to hear all this. Its really hurtful to be cheated on especialy when you have begged the person to come back (trust me i have been there) its hard yes it really really is but you know what you have your health and your children and thats all that matters. You have to be strong for them its alot to ask i know but you have to be.

Girl, cry your eyes out if you want if it makes you feel better without getting all religiuos tears are a healer they most definately are.

Be strong everything happens for a reason you have to look within to see what the reason was only you can do that, once you have established that you will be able to move on.

Take care of yourself x

HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH

emma12345

Hi Kimmywin

Sorry to read what you and your family are going through. I think your husband is behaving very cruelly, how would he like it if the tables were reversed and you decided the children were going to your parents instead of him! Very unreasonable.

Having said that and having been through a similar thing myself I do think it's important you grit your teeth and try and stay calm when talking with him for the sake of your kids. By all means find a close friend, support group or even forums to let it all out. You need support to get through this and to stay a good mum to your kids. You've been through a lot already.

And get legal advice asap to find out where you stand. As said before don't allow him to walk over you. Find out where you stand. Keep a diary - if he starts verbal abuse again (as he did with calling you 'mental' because of your previous illness) - write it down. But don't ever let him know you're doing it! It might come in handy in the future.

Take it one day at a time, looking after your children, doing practical things like finding out where you stand and very importantly getting the support you need for you. It does get easier eventually.

Take care,
Emma
xx