MONEY MORAL DILEMMA. Insult by paying or let them struggle?

valk_scot

Oh for goodness sake. Let's for the sake of the arguement say that you went with your UK based friend to the shops, they bought some presents then you took them directly from the hands of the checkout assistant and parcelled them up yourself. Guaranteed non-dodgy, okay?

Then go with the question.

Yes, I'd let them pay, but I'd try to not add to the bill in any avoidable way ie stop him ordering more drinks by me saying I'd be driving or desserts by saying I was totally full. And before I left I'd make a courtesy call with gifts for the children or his wife or whatever was appropriate. And send a thank you note when I got home, in appreciation of his hospitality.

Sometimes pride and self esteem is worth more than cold cash. And I'd not like anyone to think I trying to be superior just because I came from a more prosperous country. Would we do the same if the situation was reversed and a complete stranger appeared on our doorstep with a parcel from long-lost Auntie Edna in far-flung land? Less likely, I think. Certainly not a visit to the top restaurant in town to break the credit card's back. And if you did take them to a posh eaterie and they turned out to be a millionaire, would you let them pick up the tab?

tinribs69

I would say that in my country it is usual to at least halve the bill and hope that this will at least ease the burden on them.

foreversomeday

Um yes, parcel aside, I would let them pay, but repay them later with practical gifts such as food parcels etc. Saying thank you for their hospitality.

Culture differences are very important, it's not so trivial in some other countries as it is here.

phf

I have had this happen a number of times to me. I have a friend who lives in Hungary. I know how much they earn since they have told me- they are a fully qualified doctor and yet their salary is so small it seems rediculous to me.

Yet every time I visit them they insist on taking me out for meals etc. It is very flattering, and I am incredibly greatfull, but everytime I feel very embarrassed that they are spending so much money on me. Especially since what they spend is nothing to me, yet an enormous amount to them.

I tend to let them pay for a couple of things first, and then insist on paying for the next outings. But it is always difficult, and I do have to inisit..

I do try to buy them presents, but that doesn't give them back the money they have spent on me..

I don't want to insult them, but I get so embarrassed and upset by it all- and I never know what the right solution is!!

purplegaily

As the whole dilemma set up says - the contents of the parcel are not in question.

My good friend would have shown me what was in the parcel before letting me go off with it to set my mind (and customs) at rest, and then they would have warned me that their dad was likely to make this gesture.

Said friend would then advise that they make regular financial payments (via Western Union or whatever other method is considered safe and legal) to their family on a regular basis, and please do not worry about cost of the meal, as friend would be picking up the tab.:beer:

I would then be happy to go along with this, and to ensure the no insult was taken, would offer to buy the drinks (as we try to do if my parents take us out) and if that was politely declined, then purchase presents for the children of the family before leaving.

digitig

MSE_Wendy wrote: »

The bill's huge, a struggle for them, but not a big deal for you, yet the father refuses to let you pay, saying it’d insult him.

You really should have done your homework about the culture beforehand. In some the haggling over who pays bills is as fierce as any haggling in the market, with everyone trying to pay the bill (China, for example). It may well be that he needs to day that he'll be insulted if you paid in order to maintain face by showing how hard he's trying to pay -- but he'd still be disappointed if he did end up paying. In such cultures, think of it as a gambit on a par with "How much? Are you trying to starve my poor, widowed mother" in the bazaar.

IainCMartin

I have no friends - so for me, the dilemma is how do I get a friend in the first place ?

PDave_2

I'd let him pay for the food and insist I pay for the drinks instead...
:beer:

Argie_2

foreversomeday wrote: »

Culture differences are very important, it's not so trivial in some other countries as it is here.

Absolutely. I have experienced similar situation in Africa (no dodgy parcels as that's NOT the issue here). Being able to entertain friends or relatives to a posh meal out that costs as much as they earn in a whole month (but costs less than I'd have spent at a MacDonald's here) does not mean they are going to be grateful to you, you risk them feeling that you are showing off how rich you are.

Accept their cultural/economic differences, its very easy to upset them.

abinanthanb

I will enjoy the meal, offer to pay and accept if he wont allow me to.
Buy a gift which is more worthy for them, probably something which was on discount, in that way I will be able to get a gift which will be more money worthy than the meal. :money:


BTW, i will check what is inside the parcel before taking it with me.